Unanswered [12] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by shadglore
Joined: Nov 21, 2011
Last Post: Nov 23, 2011
Threads: 2
Posts: 12  

From: Ghana

Displayed posts: 14
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shadglore   
Nov 23, 2011
Undergraduate / My mother has shaped and molded my life and has made an impact on me [7]

This is a great essay.But in my opinion,to capture the reader's attention,you can hide the word"mother" until the second paragraph.

"As hopeless as you may think your life is, there are many whose only wish is for a warm plate, a pair of shoes, perhaps even a family." Mum would say.

I think thats what you meant...OR...??
Whether it's academic, social, or even spiritual, doesn't matter; what's important is to set out and accomplish my goals.(How about.."the most important thing to me is..")

but also believe you can achieve anything.(.."I".)

Overall great job.If there's a woman on the Admissions Committee,i bet she will be touched.
Would you mind giving mine a critique?I'd really appreciate it.

S.
shadglore   
Nov 23, 2011
Undergraduate / Passion Behind Computers (intended major) [5]

Whenever I teach computers to someone

Because of my curiosity about computer science, in college, I began to study about this subject

Wrong wording in both cases.What about "When i teach computing" and "In college,my love for computers led me to opt Computer Science as my major"?(I'm only suggesting...)

Learning about programming, like computers, has been a challenge, but I know that by pushing me to be my best, will convert me into a success, and eventually , the journey will be all worth it in the end.(how about .." but I know with perseverance,the journey will be all worth it in the end"?(Again..its just me suggesting...)

Good essay but you know as a transfer you need to sound more matured and specific in your essay.The essay should " show" and NOT "tell"..You can seek help from your school's writing center with your essays.All the best.

Would you mind giving mine a critique?I'd really appreciate it.
S.
shadglore   
Nov 23, 2011
Undergraduate / My weekends are filled with complaints, compliments, spills, and new releases [2]

Learning from all these experiences will definitely help me achieve my goals

I think this is quite vague...you can be more specific.what goals?Admission officers know you have goals that's why you want to continue your education.

Because I want to major in business, working in any type of sales is an important lesson

what lesson?..Remember,you would want to use every opportunity in your essays to make a case for acceptance.Please be specific.
But overall good job :)

Would you mind reading mine?I'd appreciate it.

S.
shadglore   
Nov 22, 2011
Undergraduate / 'grateful when all I have are food, shelter, clothing' Personal Statement-UC Prompt 1 [3]

*spoil* is supposed to be spoiled.
Money spent on...NOT money spent in.
*my club raise funds* not my club fundraise.

Wow,so many grammatical mistakes...I had to force myself to read to the end.Remember,admission officers have thousands of essays to read and would probably stop and move on to that of another applicant.You have the ideas but i think your writing is a bit sub par(I'm not trying to sound arrogant or mean). With help from your school's writing center,you will have a great essay and stand out as a unique applicant.Seek any professional help you can get and churn your great ideas into a wonderful work.

All the best.
S.
shadglore   
Nov 22, 2011
Graduate / 'stand up against the established Indian norms' - propel yourself beyond expectations [3]

Woohooo!!!strong essay!!!No wonder you are a graduate.I just had to look again to make sure i was still not on the undergraduate forum.Great job,concise essay.But i think there are few things you would want to consider.

I think your beginning sentence will be great if it was something like this(..I am only suggesting)...

I tried switching on the table lamp to banish the unusual gloom of a summer afternoon but my efforts proved futile.A bad omen,i guessed.Tired after several attempts,I leaned my torso against the sofa and reached for the ringing phone.

"... speaking..."My voice couldn't do any better in my tired state.
"This is Dr....I am sorry but he couldn't make it" a brittle voice at the other end of the phone wobbled.

Initially,i didn't believe it but few minutes later,the reality dawned on me.My father, the guiding light of my path was no more.I was shattered.

Still very young...

I don't know the word limit but you would have to remember that adcoms love essays that "show" instead of "tell". You would want to engage the reader while you keep your writing concise. * Atleast should be "At least". Apart from that great essay.I was really touched and you fully answered the question.Great job and good luck..

S.
shadglore   
Nov 22, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Ghanaian smiles' - cultural experience supplemental essay [5]

Thank you ank2jpr.I will definitely work on that and also remove "as well as Ghana's low level of development despite the country's rich mineral and forest resources" from that sentence.I think an example should be fine else it makes it superfluous.
shadglore   
Nov 22, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Why so serious?' - Common App favorite quotation [4]

I think your essay is O.k but you've got few things to work on.Remember,adcoms like essays that "show" instead of "tell" .You should infuse words that will make your essay come alive.Good luck :)

S.
shadglore   
Nov 22, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Ghanaian smiles' - cultural experience supplemental essay [5]

2. Describe a situation where you had to work or closely associate with someone from a culture very different from your own. What challenges did you face and how did you resolve them?

Tall buildings, wide asphalt roads, light-skinned people, dark-skinned people and people of mixed complexion exuding "American" smiles were all I could see at every turn. No more bamboo-thatched huts, concrete-tarred roads nor Ghanaian smiles. "Ha! Welcome to America!!" I shouted as I left Nashville International Airport. I had to remove my five thousand shekels coat because it was too hot (...I should have known it was summer).

Across the street, a distant wave of hand caught my attention. He looked like somebody I knew on Facebook. As he got closer, I recognized him. "Brian!!" I exclaimed as I leaped across to hug my assigned roommate. . To escape anymore of the sun's fury (...I had endured enough back home), I quickly hopped into Brian's car as we headed to XY University to spend the semester under the same roof. Exactly a month earlier, I had met this precocious mixed-race Tennessean American on the "XY University Class of 2015" Facebook page. There were other members in the group but his persistent curiosity to know more about my African heritage as well as his respect for my identity as "an international student" each time we chatted online made me realize he would be a perfect roommate. Luckily, we ended up being assigned as roommates.

It has been two months now and the experience has generally being awesome. Though there are times we argue and quarrel about trivial issues like the fact the Ghana National Black Stars soccer team has beaten the U.S soccer team in all their recent encounters at the World Cup as well as Ghana's low level of development despite the country's rich mineral and forest resources, we have learned to quickly bury our differences. Despite our different Ghanaian and American backgrounds, we've realized with time that there are things in which our cultures confluence-our passion to succeed and desire for a better world. For instance, after telling Brian about my humble beginnings and how I had to resort to hawking in the streets to cater for my educational expenses, he broke into tears and asked how I managed to combine that with my academic work. I was also very touched by how he had endured growing up under single parenting since his mother died at his birth. For a better world, while Brian yearns to teach in remote villages in Vietnam upon graduation; I look to help make brain surgery affordable to all Ghanaians and Africans in the future.

But have these experiences affected me in any way? Yes, they have. Few months ago, I was so worried about how to adapt to American food, clothing and language but today, these worries are no more. I have learned to make certain adjustments of adaptations in my usual behavior and attitudes and know that I can quickly adjust to any culture anywhere. Brian? I guess he has also similarly benefited. If not, he would not be considering a study abroad term in South Africa next semester.
shadglore   
Nov 21, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Certified Public Accountant' - Why attending Johnson C. Smith University? [3]

I think you have a problem with wordiness.Why don't u change the 4th line into something that starts like: Johnson C. Smith's mission to provide a world-class education...

And also,you should mention certain specific names or things which are unique to Johnson C Smith since the essay looks like their school-specif essay.
shadglore   
Nov 21, 2011
Undergraduate / 'A virtuoso in teaching' - Commonapp "short answer" essay [5]

1. Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).

A virtuoso in teaching? I can't tell whether I have completely mastered the art of teaching, but I can say with certainty that I have gained significant experience in the field.

Coming from an economically-disadvantaged background, I have spent the past decade of my life not only helping children of ages four to fourteen in my immediate community to realize that they can break free from the traditional mold of failure and poverty but also to imbibe moral virtues which will enable them fit perfectly into society, by helping them in their studies.

In my life, some of my most gratifying moments have emerged from tutoring experiences with others. When I get to see the look of understanding in these children's eyes, hear that tone of pastiche in their voice, or learn of their high test score or results of evaluations well received, my heart is warmed. The gratification for me is rising to the challenge of communicating a wide range of new concepts and ideas to people I know and venerate.
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