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Posts by mooseygirl89
Joined: Nov 27, 2011
Last Post: Nov 28, 2011
Threads: 1
Posts: 2  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 3
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mooseygirl89   
Nov 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'our niche in America among other Russians' - diversity [2]

I had to write about my thoughts on diversity and what I would have to contribute to the college in terms of diversity. Please read and critique honestly because it is essential that my essay is perfect! Thank you in advance! :)

"Don't speak English," I mouthed to myself. I wasn't' exactly sure what the strange phrase meant but it was my only knowledge of the new language and I practiced it with triumph. At four years old, I already knew that in America people didn't speak the way that we did in Russia. I sat on the hard airplane seat looking out through the little oval window at the vast and glorious Atlantic Ocean. My mother had told me that it would be a very long time until I would see my mountains and snow again. In the United States, I would have to go to school with children who spoke English and I would have to learn to read and write in the language as well. You may imagine how confusing this all was for a girl of my age. I wondered why American people didn't' simply speak Russian like everybody else I knew. My innocent childhood reflecting, however, developed over the years into a passion for cultural enrichment.

My family found our niche in America among other Russians in the community, but I still assimilated into American culture quickly-absorbing English at a rapid pace amongst my peers at school. I also received a simultaneous education at home, where my parents schooled me in reading and writing Russian. As I entered high school, I was reading Nathanial Hawthorne and Henry David Thoreau in class, while submerging myself in the Russian classics of Leo Tolstoy and Fyodor Dostoyevsky at home. In European History class I would perk up during discussions of Russian history and proudly boaster my first hand knowledge of the topic. I turned to the Russian poetic works of Alexander Pushkin and basked in the fluid and lyrical verses. I wanted to discuss the Russian culture and literature with anybody that would listen!

My friends suggested to me that I attend a meeting at the International Club at my high school. I jumped at the opportunity to embellish upon the wonder of being Russian, but the actual experience was beyond what I imagined it would be. I met students from various national backgrounds who like me, were also excited about animated cultural discussions. My fascination expanded beyond my own culture as I realized that so many other people had unique cultural tales to tell. As I became more captivated, I began to attend more meetings in order to further digest the cultural enlightenment. My new awareness evolved into a profound appreciation for diversity. Learning about Muslim fasting customs in Morocco, and German Christmas traditions, it dawned on me that diversity is a crucial component of personal insight. Sharing cultural awareness brings society and life into perspective. The enriching conversations and atmosphere of mutual respect brought everybody closer together, and helped foster a curiosity of worldliness.

I hope to incorporate similar cultural enrichment opportunities during my college experience.
mooseygirl89   
Nov 27, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the willpower to succeed in all my endeavors'- Personal Statement [4]

the last sentence is a little awkward, maybe change it up a bit? I also think your beginning was weak, it did not catch my attention very well. The rest of it flowed fairly well and was interesting to read. I would probably try to add a more alluring beginning "hook" to the essay, but other than that I'd say this is well written!

:)
mooseygirl89   
Nov 27, 2011
Undergraduate / Academic History (small part of my personal statement) [3]

you have a few awkward sentence structures fix such as changing " I got the opportunity" to "I had the opportunity" and change "weakness that I had in my English skills" to"despite my weak English." add a "with" after "provide me." Also: the first sentence in your last paragraph is a HUGE RUN ON..you need to cut it up into two or three sentences or perhaps seriously reword it. add "the" after "transfer to" change "to" after UW to "and" omit the "to" in the last clause.

:)
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