Posts by ravenclaw

ravenclaw

Dec 3, 2011

Undergraduate / common app essay "The homeless man" Issue of local,international concern. [4]

The only suggestion i would made is to made the first paragraph past tense instead of present since in the beginning of the second paragraph you say "when I remember the man" which implies the previous event already happened

Please comment on my essay if you can!

ravenclaw

Dec 3, 2011

Undergraduate / "Who am I?" - Common App Essay [28]

First off, you wrote an amazing and unique essay. You not only left me wanting to read The Fountainhead, but you also left me with some food for thought.

honestly, i can't find anything you really change should change, except for one typo (you wrote mould instead of mold) it was pretty much perfect!

- " I no longer find purpose to mould myself to in order to belong somewhere or necessarily gain someone's approval. "

Though I would to suggest is not to start sentences "but"
- But I could not be good if I broke my best-friend's crayons, could I?
- for example you could change "But" to "However" and in the next line "But as I matured, so did the nature of my questions." you can remove "but" altogether

Eventually, these queries got piled up in the mound of the questions that were left unanswered.
- you could say, got piled up into a mound of question

These are just minor suggestions and thank you for reading my essay!

ravenclaw

Dec 3, 2011

Undergraduate / Common App- How Sherlock Holmes has Influenced Me [6]

Thanks for your suggestions!

Taking what both of you said into account, changed my last paragraph to:

Lastly, Sherlock Holmes used his powers of observation and deduction in order to become the most well-known detective and the one and only consultant detective. We all have our strengths and weaknesses and we have situations we can thrive in better than others. The important thing is to use our strengths to our advantage. From Sherlock Holmes I have learned that that it's okay to be one of a kind. I have learned to be comfortable in my own skin as well as to accept my strengths and weakness, but at the same time I have matured because I have learned from my mistakes. For all these reasons, I can proudly say, I am who I am- a vegetarian guitarist, pianist, and saxophonist with a love for reading- and there is no one else like me.

although i'll probably change the last sentence (it seems a bit awkward), i think this revised version of the paragraph helps show more about me

ravenclaw

Dec 3, 2011

Undergraduate / 'I'm a hoarder' - Tufts consider the world within- knowledge [6]

Just a few changes, hope this helps! please read my essay also!

owever, my hoarding is not that of the type that gets rehab and therapy for it on another ridiculous personal interest-type tv show;

instead, you can say that what you hoard isn't physical or tangible so you're not running off topic

However, I do not keep these things all to myself, just collect them.

i would suggest rephrasing this, maybe say, "However, while I collect, I do not keep these things all to myself"

Knowledge and beauty are inexhaustible;

I'd suggest moving this up to right after you say, "I hoard words and knowledge, beauty and creativity."
I'd flow better and it doesn't really fit where you currently have that sentence.

ravenclaw

Dec 3, 2011

Undergraduate / I have a Mohawk---commonapp essay for upenn, princeton, amherst, rochester [14]

This was a really good essay! It was amusing, interesting, and definitely different. It also flows smoothly like happykid93 already said. Although I didn't realize you were using your mohawk as a metaphor for atheism, I did get the feeling you were talking about something more or deeper than hair and conservatism.

As for shortening, the only thing I could suggest is to possibly remove some examples you have when taking about your family.

ravenclaw

Dec 3, 2011

Undergraduate / 'A volunteer in the Falsecreek Community Center' - University of BC supplemental [5]

This is pretty good, it's easy to see you really care about these people. I quoted a few things and made just a few suggestions in red:

Volunteers will be assigned

volunteers are assigned

work not only for offering help and companionship

not only to offer

techniques of taking care of elderly in order

taking care of the elderly in order

I think I have brought a little bright, help and emotional support to the residence in FCC.

i think you meant brightness to their day when you said a little bright, but it's not exactly clear what you mean

I often sit down and listen to their young stories

and listen to stories of when they were young saying you listen to their young stories could convey that the stories are young (or new)

As a member of the community, we certainly will all get old,

as members of the community, we will all certainly get old

they surely have contributed a lot when they were young.

surely had contributed

ravenclaw

Dec 3, 2011

Undergraduate / Common App- How Sherlock Holmes has Influenced Me [6]

Essay Topic - Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence.

We grow up hearing about brilliant people who are remarkable heroes, works of art that are beyond a doubt amazing, and stories that are simply galvanizing. Eventually we find someone who we personally look up to- someone or something that has inspired us, influenced us, and contributed to us becoming the person we are today. For me, that happens to be Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's fictitious and slightly eccentric character, Sherlock Holmes.

As a young child I would watch the show Sherlock Holmes in the 22nd Century every week like clockwork. As I grew older I eventually began to read the original Sherlock Holmes series by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle and loved it. At one point, I even fancied myself a detective, minus the distinctive hat, English accent, and amazing sidekick. This series has contributed to the love of reading and books I have today. It sparked my love of mysteries and has expanded my natural curiosity. From Sherlock Holmes I learned the value of curiosity and how it doesn't always kill the cat, but it can also save it.

With his brilliant power of observation and deduction, Sherlock Holmes could meet a person, observe every detail of their appearance and demeanor, and tell you all about them. He had ability to analyze the details most people wouldn't pay attention to while still considering the big picture. With his power of deduction, he not only learned about people through these details, but also deducted what took place at a particular crime scene. He imparted on me the value of observing and learning from my surroundings.

Sherlock Holmes used many problem solving approaches, and if one approach failed he would simply try another one. He never backed down from a challenge. He is the reason I cultivated the habit of thinking outside the box, because as he is famous for saying, "Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth." The Sherlock Holmes series has led me to acquiring the motto, 'expect the unexpected'.

Lastly, from Sherlock Holmes I have learned that that it's okay to be one of a kind. We all have our strengths and weaknesses and we have situations we can thrive in better than others. The important thing is to use our strengths to our advantage. Sherlock Holmes used his powers of observation and deduction in order to become the most well-known detective and the one and only consultant detective.

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Please feel free to suggest any improvements!! (did i talk about Sherlock Holmes a bit too much and not enough about myself?)