salam001
Dec 14, 2011
Undergraduate / Making a friend on holiday (common application) [7]
Thank you guys! i really appreciate it. i will definitely make those changes
Thank you guys! i really appreciate it. i will definitely make those changes
salam001
Dec 14, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I connected myself to the space' - aerospace engineering, transfer common app [6]
i think it would be better to say i had always wondered what the familiar sounds and sights or rockets, dust and smoke were.
basically, you need to watch your tense and verb structure and read your essay with a critical eye because there a quite a few of such mistakes. in addition, you ommited some verbs like in
and there are quite a few repetitions and unnecessary information like how you said wonderful twice.
if you sort out the grammatical errors, it will be a really nice essay
So familiar for me the sound of rocket and dust, smoke in the sky, I was always wondering what that is.
i think it would be better to say i had always wondered what the familiar sounds and sights or rockets, dust and smoke were.
basically, you need to watch your tense and verb structure and read your essay with a critical eye because there a quite a few of such mistakes. in addition, you ommited some verbs like in
When I finished my high school I faced with a problem.
and there are quite a few repetitions and unnecessary information like how you said wonderful twice.
if you sort out the grammatical errors, it will be a really nice essay
salam001
Dec 14, 2011
Undergraduate / Making a friend on holiday (common application) [7]
thank you! if you could telll me how strong and interesting this piece is i'd doubly appreciate this. :)
thank you! if you could telll me how strong and interesting this piece is i'd doubly appreciate this. :)
salam001
Dec 13, 2011
Undergraduate / Hostel living (the environment you grew up) [3]
i think u should scratch the first sentence and last 2 sentences! first because i really dont understand how u were staring in the dark if u were asleep. delete the last because they are a bit mundane and a bit unnecessary
um i thinki ur essay is pretty storng. i went to boarding school as well so i definitely know what you are talking about
you do need to tighten the essay and remove the unnecesssary words and stuff, like a senior(dorm captain) and earlier the morning before sounds a bit clumsy
i noticedd a few grammatical errors like in: I was a junior and by virtue of hierarchy at the bottom of the chain on everything even nightcap. i think u could say at the bottom of every single chain and food was no exception. or something like that cause nightcap isnt a chain, its a meal.
Sometimes, nightcap finished even before I got to the front of the line. it would be stronger if u said at the middle of the line cause it'd be more dramatic
i think you should elaborate on why you enjoyed your time as a junior despite all the circumstances that came along with it.
honestly i feel like you just need to tighten up your prose, re-read with a critical eye and focus on the little details
pls can u also edit mine? :d
i think u should scratch the first sentence and last 2 sentences! first because i really dont understand how u were staring in the dark if u were asleep. delete the last because they are a bit mundane and a bit unnecessary
um i thinki ur essay is pretty storng. i went to boarding school as well so i definitely know what you are talking about
you do need to tighten the essay and remove the unnecesssary words and stuff, like a senior(dorm captain) and earlier the morning before sounds a bit clumsy
i noticedd a few grammatical errors like in: I was a junior and by virtue of hierarchy at the bottom of the chain on everything even nightcap. i think u could say at the bottom of every single chain and food was no exception. or something like that cause nightcap isnt a chain, its a meal.
Sometimes, nightcap finished even before I got to the front of the line. it would be stronger if u said at the middle of the line cause it'd be more dramatic
i think you should elaborate on why you enjoyed your time as a junior despite all the circumstances that came along with it.
honestly i feel like you just need to tighten up your prose, re-read with a critical eye and focus on the little details
pls can u also edit mine? :d
salam001
Dec 13, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Storytellers' - Common Application Essay, perhaps using for Brown [4]
hi,
i think its unsociable not dissociable and i dont think u should hyphenate between pitch and break-time. the double hyphen isnt too pleasing to see so i think you can maybe say it reaches a higher pitch and signals break-time.
i think it would flow more if you put "drop" as a single paragraph as it will give more of a dramatic effect.
work (at the end of the last paragraph) doesnt seem to go with the flow of the story because you havent mentioned anything of the sort before and the essay doesnt portrat you as someone that is bogged down by work
you wrote setting of instead of setting OFF
the first sentence of the second paragraph is too long, maybe you could try and break it down, make it less complex or something
but i looooove ur essay! ur a really talented writer tbh. your descriptions are very nice and you draw the reader in to the story
please could you read mine as well? im new! just joined and posted tonight! thanks
hi,
i think its unsociable not dissociable and i dont think u should hyphenate between pitch and break-time. the double hyphen isnt too pleasing to see so i think you can maybe say it reaches a higher pitch and signals break-time.
i think it would flow more if you put "drop" as a single paragraph as it will give more of a dramatic effect.
work (at the end of the last paragraph) doesnt seem to go with the flow of the story because you havent mentioned anything of the sort before and the essay doesnt portrat you as someone that is bogged down by work
you wrote setting of instead of setting OFF
the first sentence of the second paragraph is too long, maybe you could try and break it down, make it less complex or something
but i looooove ur essay! ur a really talented writer tbh. your descriptions are very nice and you draw the reader in to the story
please could you read mine as well? im new! just joined and posted tonight! thanks
salam001
Dec 13, 2011
Undergraduate / Making a friend on holiday (common application) [7]
im not sure which prompt to put this essay under. i would appreciate any constructive criticism annd help with diction, grammar and style. please also let me know what picture this essay paints of me. thanks
1 Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
3 Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
5 A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an
experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you.
6 Topic of your choice.
"I don't know what that sign is in English!" Zara said as she drew + on the ice.
My only memory of snow is linked with Zara, someone I met on holiday in Dubai three years ago. A vivacious and energetic girl marched up to me in Ski Dubai and gave me an offer I would have been a fool to refuse.
'Hello, my name is Zara. Can i be your friend?' said the girl with exotic looks.
With a cheesy smile directed to my sisters, I went off to experience a day that hasn't been replicated to this day. Zara, a Saudi Arabian, was also on holiday in Dubai and was staying in a hotel at Mall of the Emirates where Ski Dubai was located. She took me to the best attractions in the ski resort and introduced me to the friends she had made over the week. Soon enough, Zara and I realized we had a lot in common. We both wanted to be architects, we were Muslims and we loved playing games. We traded stories about our lives and switched to personal issues when it became clear that our cultural similarities had been exhausted.
Zara did more than become my friend that day; she exemplified new experiences for me. It was no coincidence that the first snow angel i made was with the girl who taught me the meaning of letting go. Over snowball fights, we taught each other about our different cultures. I learned that it was disrespect to show the soles of my feet to an Arabian; I introduced Zara to Nigerian music. Zara was the antithesis of the average Nigerian. She was extremely friendly and had been brought up to embrace other people without an air of suspicion. She was open and unpretentious and she had no air of self-importance.
Zara taught me to let go of all my inhibitions about people and my actions simply by not being afraid to do so herself. Her befriending me portrayed the friendliness and confidence that I imbibed from that day. Zara helped me understand that no matter where you are, you can always make a connection with someone.
Later that day, I saw a picture of Zara and I. It was a striking portrait of a dark-skinned girl in glasses having fun with a dark haired milky-skinned girl. I refused to wait another thirteen years to meet such an amazing person and made a decision. I picked up the phone to call Zara and continued the friendship she started.
im not sure which prompt to put this essay under. i would appreciate any constructive criticism annd help with diction, grammar and style. please also let me know what picture this essay paints of me. thanks
1 Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
3 Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
5 A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an
experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you.
6 Topic of your choice.
"I don't know what that sign is in English!" Zara said as she drew + on the ice.
My only memory of snow is linked with Zara, someone I met on holiday in Dubai three years ago. A vivacious and energetic girl marched up to me in Ski Dubai and gave me an offer I would have been a fool to refuse.
'Hello, my name is Zara. Can i be your friend?' said the girl with exotic looks.
With a cheesy smile directed to my sisters, I went off to experience a day that hasn't been replicated to this day. Zara, a Saudi Arabian, was also on holiday in Dubai and was staying in a hotel at Mall of the Emirates where Ski Dubai was located. She took me to the best attractions in the ski resort and introduced me to the friends she had made over the week. Soon enough, Zara and I realized we had a lot in common. We both wanted to be architects, we were Muslims and we loved playing games. We traded stories about our lives and switched to personal issues when it became clear that our cultural similarities had been exhausted.
Zara did more than become my friend that day; she exemplified new experiences for me. It was no coincidence that the first snow angel i made was with the girl who taught me the meaning of letting go. Over snowball fights, we taught each other about our different cultures. I learned that it was disrespect to show the soles of my feet to an Arabian; I introduced Zara to Nigerian music. Zara was the antithesis of the average Nigerian. She was extremely friendly and had been brought up to embrace other people without an air of suspicion. She was open and unpretentious and she had no air of self-importance.
Zara taught me to let go of all my inhibitions about people and my actions simply by not being afraid to do so herself. Her befriending me portrayed the friendliness and confidence that I imbibed from that day. Zara helped me understand that no matter where you are, you can always make a connection with someone.
Later that day, I saw a picture of Zara and I. It was a striking portrait of a dark-skinned girl in glasses having fun with a dark haired milky-skinned girl. I refused to wait another thirteen years to meet such an amazing person and made a decision. I picked up the phone to call Zara and continued the friendship she started.
