aijw824
Dec 21, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Not molding myself to fit in anymore' - BU supp essay [8]
Great thanks!
I've cut it under 500 words now :]
Great thanks!
I've cut it under 500 words now :]
aijw824
Dec 21, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Not molding myself to fit in anymore' - BU supp essay [8]
Ok I see. It'd be great if you can point out more places where I can cut stuff. Or shorten my sentences
I'm still well 70 words over the 500 word limit. I'd be more comfortable if I could it cut down to at least around 550
Ok I see. It'd be great if you can point out more places where I can cut stuff. Or shorten my sentences
I'm still well 70 words over the 500 word limit. I'd be more comfortable if I could it cut down to at least around 550
aijw824
Dec 21, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Life on a Ping-Pong Table' - YALE ESSAY [3]
First I'd like to say that I feel little incompetent editing your essay since you're applying to the ivy league schools (you must be very smart). xD
In your essay you come off confident.
You have a lot of metaphors (There is no elevator for success; I need to take the stairs. I kept telling myself: how can I make a rainbow without rain?)
No one will laugh at a player for missing a ball, but everyone will despise a player who lets go of a ball. <-I found the message of this sentence a little contradictory
When I moved to the U.S., the most powerful country, <-I'm not sure if you want to say that. Maybe substitute with another word.
Now, this experience turned into a life-changing journey of self-enrichment and dream-realization. <--what's your dream?
Hope that helped. I just went along my natural reaction as a reader.
First I'd like to say that I feel little incompetent editing your essay since you're applying to the ivy league schools (you must be very smart). xD
In your essay you come off confident.
You have a lot of metaphors (There is no elevator for success; I need to take the stairs. I kept telling myself: how can I make a rainbow without rain?)
No one will laugh at a player for missing a ball, but everyone will despise a player who lets go of a ball. <-I found the message of this sentence a little contradictory
When I moved to the U.S., the most powerful country, <-I'm not sure if you want to say that. Maybe substitute with another word.
Now, this experience turned into a life-changing journey of self-enrichment and dream-realization. <--what's your dream?
Hope that helped. I just went along my natural reaction as a reader.
aijw824
Dec 21, 2011
Undergraduate / Introduce Yourself to Penn - TaCo Nickname [10]
Then, one fateful day, the ingenuity of my nickname, TaCo, was discovered. [A little confusion on how it was discovered, I'm guessing that it's not the important info here, but maybe try to reword it to be more subtle so readers won't wonder about it] Soon, I was no longer one Talia in the crowd. Rather, I was the distinctive TaCo.
My name helped me realize that it is okay to stand out. I use to feel that my talents were only for my own benefit. I didn't want to brag or seem conceited.[idk if that's really necessary, it's a question of tone though, so it's up to you]] However, with discovering of TaCo I have started to display my strengths on a regular basis. I have volunteered for numerous musical performances and have enthusiastically offered to read my creative writing in class.
Clever topic.
Good lucks.
Then, one fateful day, the ingenuity of my nickname, TaCo, was discovered. [A little confusion on how it was discovered, I'm guessing that it's not the important info here, but maybe try to reword it to be more subtle so readers won't wonder about it] Soon, I was no longer one Talia in the crowd. Rather, I was the distinctive TaCo.
My name helped me realize that it is okay to stand out. I use to feel that my talents were only for my own benefit. I didn't want to brag or seem conceited.[idk if that's really necessary, it's a question of tone though, so it's up to you]] However, with discovering of TaCo I have started to display my strengths on a regular basis. I have volunteered for numerous musical performances and have enthusiastically offered to read my creative writing in class.
Clever topic.
Good lucks.
aijw824
Dec 21, 2011
Undergraduate / 'more analytical approach towards my life' - how you became interested in art [13]
No prob! :]
Could you please look over mine when you get the chance?
No prob! :]
Could you please look over mine when you get the chance?
aijw824
Dec 21, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Not molding myself to fit in anymore' - BU supp essay [8]
Thanks for your feedback!
If it's not too much trouble, could you point out the sentences that you think sound awkward? (I'm not a native speakers so sometimes I don't catch it)
Thanks for your feedback!
If it's not too much trouble, could you point out the sentences that you think sound awkward? (I'm not a native speakers so sometimes I don't catch it)
aijw824
Dec 21, 2011
Undergraduate / 'my parents are Danish' - essay [15]
The money situation is good I think, since you suggested that it was the thing that showed that your family are dreamers and how it didn't stop you guys from achieving your dream.
About your mom's part, I think you can leave the part about moving to US to be with her love since you said it was her dream, but not as much details about her. Instead maybe you can write about how her actions/decision has influenced you in pursuing/realizing your dreams? The focus should be on you/your developments.
And I find the details of the last two paragraphs a little unnecessary to the overall idea(about the apartment, comment about how costa rica is a great adventure. how you're not ready.etc) So I'd cut that out.
To wrap it up, I think it works to say that you feel blessed to attend school here where you are close to your family.
&&I hate to ask, but could you please help me with mine?
The money situation is good I think, since you suggested that it was the thing that showed that your family are dreamers and how it didn't stop you guys from achieving your dream.
About your mom's part, I think you can leave the part about moving to US to be with her love since you said it was her dream, but not as much details about her. Instead maybe you can write about how her actions/decision has influenced you in pursuing/realizing your dreams? The focus should be on you/your developments.
And I find the details of the last two paragraphs a little unnecessary to the overall idea(about the apartment, comment about how costa rica is a great adventure. how you're not ready.etc) So I'd cut that out.
To wrap it up, I think it works to say that you feel blessed to attend school here where you are close to your family.
&&I hate to ask, but could you please help me with mine?
aijw824
Dec 21, 2011
Undergraduate / 'more analytical approach towards my life' - how you became interested in art [13]
Except for the last paragraph, you response is flawless.
The last paragraph is vague on how it's related to art. Maybe try to reword it so, it's more clear that you think art has impact on people, and you believe through your expression of art you wish to influence others. etc
But wow, overall, it's very well written!
Except for the last paragraph, you response is flawless.
The last paragraph is vague on how it's related to art. Maybe try to reword it so, it's more clear that you think art has impact on people, and you believe through your expression of art you wish to influence others. etc
But wow, overall, it's very well written!
aijw824
Dec 21, 2011
Undergraduate / 'my parents are Danish' - essay [15]
In my opinion, the opening is fine. You mentioned how your parents are divorced. And how your mom works hard to support you guys. Then you mentions how it's a lil embarrassing to not have cars in a rich private school environment. That's you're a family of dreamers.
I think that's a perfect opening for you to go in-depth about how this living situation has effected you. And how is your family dreamers.
Instead I feel like you just dropped it completely and jumped to your mom's new relationship. Then it leads to moving and traveling to new places.
My suggestion is if you want to describe your experience of living in different countries, put less attention on your family&&money situation. Though I think it's a much stronger essay if you talked about what I said above.
((I hope I don't sound rude, I just think that straight out honest feedbacks are the most helpful, esp since we're so close to the deadline haha))
In my opinion, the opening is fine. You mentioned how your parents are divorced. And how your mom works hard to support you guys. Then you mentions how it's a lil embarrassing to not have cars in a rich private school environment. That's you're a family of dreamers.
I think that's a perfect opening for you to go in-depth about how this living situation has effected you. And how is your family dreamers.
Instead I feel like you just dropped it completely and jumped to your mom's new relationship. Then it leads to moving and traveling to new places.
My suggestion is if you want to describe your experience of living in different countries, put less attention on your family&&money situation. Though I think it's a much stronger essay if you talked about what I said above.
((I hope I don't sound rude, I just think that straight out honest feedbacks are the most helpful, esp since we're so close to the deadline haha))
aijw824
Dec 21, 2011
Undergraduate / 'educational career from the school of my village' - US application [3]
You have a very unique story. That alone, without additional writing skills, will make you stand out.
I understand that you listed the things you've accomplished and it shows that you're dedicated and hardworking, but I'm wondering if it's better to include more details about your struggles and how being in this special situation has made you stronger. etc.
These are just my reaction to the paper, I hope it helped.
Good lucks.
You have a very unique story. That alone, without additional writing skills, will make you stand out.
I understand that you listed the things you've accomplished and it shows that you're dedicated and hardworking, but I'm wondering if it's better to include more details about your struggles and how being in this special situation has made you stronger. etc.
These are just my reaction to the paper, I hope it helped.
Good lucks.
aijw824
Dec 21, 2011
Undergraduate / 'my parents are Danish' - essay [15]
What's the prompt? Is this for the common app?
I think this essay shows that family is very important to you.
In the beginning you mentioned that you're a family of dreamers. You should elaborate on that.
The last paragraph is random. Instead of wrapping things up, it suddenly mentions a new topic "I love to travel".
Overall, it sounds like a list of events of you growing up. I think it's too unfocused and you'd be better off picking one aspect. Let it be traveling, the decision of whether or not staying in Denmark, how living with divorced parents effected you, etc.
Hope that helped. Good lucks.
What's the prompt? Is this for the common app?
I think this essay shows that family is very important to you.
In the beginning you mentioned that you're a family of dreamers. You should elaborate on that.
The last paragraph is random. Instead of wrapping things up, it suddenly mentions a new topic "I love to travel".
Overall, it sounds like a list of events of you growing up. I think it's too unfocused and you'd be better off picking one aspect. Let it be traveling, the decision of whether or not staying in Denmark, how living with divorced parents effected you, etc.
Hope that helped. Good lucks.
aijw824
Dec 21, 2011
Undergraduate / My love for guitar - Common App Activities Essay [9]
I agree with cup noodle123, esp in the beginning half, it's a lot of telling, not showing.
you should skip the whole line about forming bands and maybe even less details about how you learned from online/youtube etc. that will leave you more room to elaborate on specific events or feelings. (Maybe you can describe what type of music you guys play? and perhaps how long you've played? And since you mentioned your band, it's a good place to elaborate on things like friendship/teamwork.)
I liked how to mentioned the song by U2, it gives readers an insight to what type of music you play, and I think you did a good job on referring to the variety of experiences you had playing guitar.
Hope that helped. Good luck.
I agree with cup noodle123, esp in the beginning half, it's a lot of telling, not showing.
you should skip the whole line about forming bands and maybe even less details about how you learned from online/youtube etc. that will leave you more room to elaborate on specific events or feelings. (Maybe you can describe what type of music you guys play? and perhaps how long you've played? And since you mentioned your band, it's a good place to elaborate on things like friendship/teamwork.)
I liked how to mentioned the song by U2, it gives readers an insight to what type of music you play, and I think you did a good job on referring to the variety of experiences you had playing guitar.
Hope that helped. Good luck.
aijw824
Dec 21, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Not molding myself to fit in anymore' - BU supp essay [8]
So here's my dilemma...my essay is about 650 words which is a good way over the word limit. Can anyone give me some feedback and suggestions on what to cut/change?
Appreciate it.
Essay 1 Please respond to one of the following questions in an essay of no more than 500 words:
A. It is three weeks before the start of your freshman year at BU, and you are talking to your new roommate for the first time. Since you are trying to get to know each other, what are a few things you would want to share about who you are?
Well, I'm not very good at introductions, but I suppose I'll tell you a little about myself. I'm quite spontaneous and I tend to like doing whatever is on my mind at the moment, so please don't be alarmed if you catch me getting ice-cream two in the morning. I'm a big music fan, I have posters of Linkin Park to T-shirts of Nirvana. I listen to a lot of punk, rock, and metal; as long as it has a satisfactory guitar solo I'm content. Aside from music, I'm also a film camera enthusiast and I've spent a lot of my free afternoons doing art.
There's one other thing that I hope you won't mind; I play guitar everyday. It's not forced nor am I an aspiring musician, it's just that if I miss a day, I'd get the itch to play the next day. I first picked up guitar at the end of 6th grade, half in rebellion against my parents and half in admiration to System of a Down's new hit single, Hypnotized. Ever since, it's been a part of my life. At first it was very energetic. Energetic perhaps is not the best description; it was more like aggressive.
When I first entered adolescence, I felt the need to fit in, but having lived in China for 10 years, my English was poor, so as a result I was uncomfortable with my heritage. I didn't feel like speaking Chinese or celebrating Chinese traditions. I was unhappy with my family because they didn't celebrate Christmas with proper dinners or take me for egg hunts on easter. So when I turned all of my attention to playing guitar, it became the outlet of all the frustration and bitterness that I had suppressed inside. I spent hours in my closed room playing, and it provided me a sanctuary. In the wailing tunes of Guns n' Roses and the heavy drums of Bon Jovi, I purged all my negative emotions that has trapped and blinded me from thinking clearly. In many ways, playing guitar has helped me avoid many arguments and breakdowns. Whenever I felt like giving up, it was there to help me keep holding on and persisting toward my goal.
As I made the transition from middle school to high school, my anger has subsided as I won more freedom from my parents and I begin to see things in a different perspective. One time in history class, we were learning Ancient Asian civilizations. I mentioned my familiarity of Chinese history and the whole class seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say about my experience living in China. It made me appreciate the unique chance of seeing different cultures. I begin to accept my heritage and embrace it as a part of me. In my junior year, I took up Chinese, and at the same time, I learned to open up to my parents. Whenever we had a disagreement, instead of shutting down, I tried to explain my feelings and opinions to them. In return, they listened with patience. Trust developed between us and our relationship grew stronger.
Around that time, I put down my electric guitar and grabbed an acoustic. I dropped my pick and settled for a gentle fingerpicking style. My music developed with me and has long been my habitual counsel.
Even though I still sport my studded leather jacket and heavy eyeliner wherever I go, it is merely a statement of confidence. I'm not worried about molding myself to fit in anymore and I'm comfortable with how I look. So don't worry, I'll spare you the head-banging and the stereotypical rude punk persona. While I have my quiet moments, I'm quite sociable. I can't wait to spend my first year of college with you.
So here's my dilemma...my essay is about 650 words which is a good way over the word limit. Can anyone give me some feedback and suggestions on what to cut/change?
Appreciate it.
Essay 1 Please respond to one of the following questions in an essay of no more than 500 words:
A. It is three weeks before the start of your freshman year at BU, and you are talking to your new roommate for the first time. Since you are trying to get to know each other, what are a few things you would want to share about who you are?
Well, I'm not very good at introductions, but I suppose I'll tell you a little about myself. I'm quite spontaneous and I tend to like doing whatever is on my mind at the moment, so please don't be alarmed if you catch me getting ice-cream two in the morning. I'm a big music fan, I have posters of Linkin Park to T-shirts of Nirvana. I listen to a lot of punk, rock, and metal; as long as it has a satisfactory guitar solo I'm content. Aside from music, I'm also a film camera enthusiast and I've spent a lot of my free afternoons doing art.
There's one other thing that I hope you won't mind; I play guitar everyday. It's not forced nor am I an aspiring musician, it's just that if I miss a day, I'd get the itch to play the next day. I first picked up guitar at the end of 6th grade, half in rebellion against my parents and half in admiration to System of a Down's new hit single, Hypnotized. Ever since, it's been a part of my life. At first it was very energetic. Energetic perhaps is not the best description; it was more like aggressive.
When I first entered adolescence, I felt the need to fit in, but having lived in China for 10 years, my English was poor, so as a result I was uncomfortable with my heritage. I didn't feel like speaking Chinese or celebrating Chinese traditions. I was unhappy with my family because they didn't celebrate Christmas with proper dinners or take me for egg hunts on easter. So when I turned all of my attention to playing guitar, it became the outlet of all the frustration and bitterness that I had suppressed inside. I spent hours in my closed room playing, and it provided me a sanctuary. In the wailing tunes of Guns n' Roses and the heavy drums of Bon Jovi, I purged all my negative emotions that has trapped and blinded me from thinking clearly. In many ways, playing guitar has helped me avoid many arguments and breakdowns. Whenever I felt like giving up, it was there to help me keep holding on and persisting toward my goal.
As I made the transition from middle school to high school, my anger has subsided as I won more freedom from my parents and I begin to see things in a different perspective. One time in history class, we were learning Ancient Asian civilizations. I mentioned my familiarity of Chinese history and the whole class seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say about my experience living in China. It made me appreciate the unique chance of seeing different cultures. I begin to accept my heritage and embrace it as a part of me. In my junior year, I took up Chinese, and at the same time, I learned to open up to my parents. Whenever we had a disagreement, instead of shutting down, I tried to explain my feelings and opinions to them. In return, they listened with patience. Trust developed between us and our relationship grew stronger.
Around that time, I put down my electric guitar and grabbed an acoustic. I dropped my pick and settled for a gentle fingerpicking style. My music developed with me and has long been my habitual counsel.
Even though I still sport my studded leather jacket and heavy eyeliner wherever I go, it is merely a statement of confidence. I'm not worried about molding myself to fit in anymore and I'm comfortable with how I look. So don't worry, I'll spare you the head-banging and the stereotypical rude punk persona. While I have my quiet moments, I'm quite sociable. I can't wait to spend my first year of college with you.
