Posts by pfrench

pfrench

Jan 22, 2012

Scholarship / 'the most disadvantaged to the human race' - freewrite essay scholarship [3]

This is a great essay that really shows your individuality and your struggles with prejudice.
That being said, I think you could make it even more powerful: " known to to be the most disadvantaged to the human race" could be said better and more powerfully. *beg to differ, not 'bed'

the sentence "According to history, we rebel against the white man, according to the white man, we rebel against authority." is interesting but could be a little alienating to a white reader--maybe focus more on rebelling against the status quo or people who believe that you're inferior. don't call yourself contentious, that's a bad thing! you can frame this more like "i question this type of narrow-minded thinking, asking people if really, they're not the ones who are confused." you don't have to censor yourself--the term oreo is not just slightly offensive, it is totally offensive. i like the list of things you do, it's very diverse...what do you mean by 'contradicting myself'? you could tighten up that sentence.. and i really like the end, it's very powerful.

i hope my comments helped!

pfrench

Dec 31, 2011

Undergraduate / 'Drawing an ocean' - Bates College essay [4]

When my 5th grade art teacher asked ~~our~~my class to draw an ocean~~, for some reason,~~ I decided to paint the whole paper red instead. When she scolded me for messing up my picture, I told her thatI ~~drew~~had drawn the inside of anthe ocean ~~when~~with the sun ~~was~~ shining on it. Taking my precious picture away from me, she told me to stop being so "weird."

I think Bates ~~can be~~is a place where I can safely pursue my 'weirdness.' I can pursue effective ways of thinking outside ~~of a~~the box through a creative learning process. Also, my potential major, Sociology, requires ~~many combined~~the combination of many fields of knowledge such as psychology, law and economics. Through Bates' 'rigorous scholarship,' I will be ~~able to expose myself~~exposedto different branches of sociology while focusing on my main field, Social Inequality. Having ~~been tutoring~~tutored underprivileged children for four years, I realized that there are ~~numerous~~many hidden factors behind the veil of poverty that causes social inequality. Through a "collaborative residential community," I plan to engage myself with passionate Bates students to begin ~~a slow process to provide a~~the process of providing a better world for my underprivileged students.

maybe add something like "wholeheartedly" to "safely persue"
don't use persue again in the next sentence, too much repetition.
the idiom is "thinking outside THE box"
i agree, no quotes on "rigorous scholarship" maybe just capitalize.
"be exposed" is better. "expose myself" sounds like you're a flasher!
quotes off "collaborative res..." also.

overall, really good job! just a few grammar errors. the content is really good.

pfrench

Dec 31, 2011

Undergraduate / 'three dimensional problems' - BROWN Supp [6]

Why are you drawn to the area(s) of study you indicated?
(300 ch. word limit)

I am always amazed by the ways we interact with ~~the~~ nature and with each other, forming a giant network. From this simple truth, we have created a ~~quite~~ complicated interactive system, and by studying economics, I will be able to analyze this system and seek for ~~the~~ ways to improve efficiency and equality. (300 characters)

A distinctive feature of the Brown Curriculum is the opportunity to be the architect of your education. Why does this academic environment appeal to you?

(700 ch. word limit)

We live in a three dimensional world with three dimensional problems; they are multidisciplinary in nature. Though I want to major in economics, I know that ~~economics~~it alone will not provide sufficient answers to the challenges ~~we are facing~~face. Therefore, ~~during my undergraduate years,~~ I want to acquaint myself with various disciplines that will help me analyze ~~economy~~economics from various perspectives such as psychology, sociology, and history. I am ~~strongly~~ confident that my education and experience under the Brown Curriculum will prepare me to tackle ~~the~~ real life problems and to maximize my potential. I would like to explore the ocean of knowledge in a spirit of free inquiry at Brown University.

good, try to make it pop a little more--grab the reader's interest. explain your correlation between nature and economics in the first question.

pfrench

Dec 22, 2011

Undergraduate / 'I'm from Vermont' - Stanford Roommate question [3]

I'm wondering what you think about this essay: one, is it well-written; two, does it make sense to non-vermonters; and three, does it say enough about me? thanks so much for your help.

Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate - and us - know you better.

Dear Future Roommate,

I'm from Vermont, which, if you know anything about Vermont, should be enough to let you know a great deal about me and the place where I have grown up. If, however, you don't know anything about Vermont, which is actually more likely (Several responses I've gotten upon telling others that I live in Vermont: "Is that the one near Canada?" "Isn't that in Canada?" "Um...I don't really know what that is"), I probably have some more explaining to do.

For a state with only one area code (802), Vermont has many different geographical regions. In between the extremes of Southern Vermont (suburbanized, now part of Massachusetts) and the northern islands lie Burlington, the only part of Vermont that attracts decent musical acts; and Montpelier, the capital, which is where I live. Montpelier is home to a lot of aging hippies, though no McDonalds-We have SamosaMan instead.

Despite the many resident rednecks, who tend to the conservative, Vermont have a reputation for progressivity. Legalized gay marriage? Check. Socialist senator? Check. Police refusing to seek out illegal immigrants? That's Vermont, and a big reason that I'm proud to live here. Only in Vermont would my next-door neighbor be the head of a secessionist movement that is politically viable, though impractical (our GDP would have to come entirely from cheese and maple syrup, and of course, Ben and Jerry's ice cream).

As for climate, there's the ubiquitous snow. As excited as I am about going to a school where winter doesn't last for 5 months, I will also miss powder days, hot chocolate by the fire, and skiing. Other things I will miss: cows, chickens, recognizing half the people I pass in Montpelier. On the other hand, I will enjoy picking out new clothes without having to worry about their ability to protect me during a blizzard, and I certainly will be able to do without mud season (if you have to ask, you'll never know).

So that's Vermont (a little bit of it, at any rate). See you in the fall-I'll bring you an 802 VT sticker for you to put on your laptop.