Unanswered [8] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by mamaton
Joined: Dec 27, 2011
Last Post: Dec 29, 2011
Threads: 2
Posts: 8  

From: Viet Nam

Displayed posts: 10
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mamaton   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / "Crumbs" -- Brown, Rice, Tufts [12]

Hi Aromie,
I think ur essay isn't cliche. It sounds honest. I didn't find any grammatical errors. But yea, I agree with Zhou, the word 'boring' does sound negative, especially when it comes from someone else but u.

All the best for ur app! :)
mamaton   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / Why Upenn - Upenn Supplement 500 word essay [9]

Aromie: thank u very much!
Kevin: that definitely helps. Thank u!
Looks like I have some more work to do with my essay. Pheww! :p
mamaton   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / Why Upenn - Upenn Supplement 500 word essay [9]

Lee and Zhoe: Thank u so much! :)
Zhoe: okay useful really doesn't work. I'll find another way to write it. Okay looking at ur essay soon!
mamaton   
Dec 29, 2011
Scholarship / Hispanic Scholarship Fund extracurricular activity essay: Giving back to the HYI [7]

Hi thanks again for helping with my essay juz now. Generally ur essay is okay, I can see what u want to tell the readers. But I think it's not detailed enough. Maybe if u add some descriptions here and there, the readers will be able to feel better why u liked the program and felt happy coming back as an alumna. U have less than 500 words now so it should be okay to add some more.

Some other minor details:
"my continuous participation"
"As a student the program allowed me to meet..." - 'as a...' phrase describes the subject, which is 'the program'. I think u may need to rearrange this sentence.

"a special bond, that we could all feel..." - there should be no comma here.
"new school year being around the corner"
"all I wanted to do was to give back"
"to the community, I knew needed" - no comma here either.
"I knew how it was like to lose sight of what was truly important..."
"students' lives"
"early morning to late night" - this is just to describe the duration, u don't need the plural form.
"90 degree" - woa I got shocked cuz I'm used to using degree Celcius. Oh never mind this, it's just a side note hehe.

All the best for ur app! :)
mamaton   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / Why Upenn - Upenn Supplement 500 word essay [9]

Hi Nathalia!
Yea u're right, I should combine the 2 paragraphs. Uhm okay I'll look at the useful part again. And yes I meant "instills". Thanks for ur comments! :)

Yup I'll take a look at urs.
mamaton   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / Why Upenn - Upenn Supplement 500 word essay [9]

This is my Upenn supp essay. My first time writing this sort of essay so I'm not really sure how I should sound like. Just give any honest comments. The word limit is 500 and it is now exactly 500. Thank u! :)

Two a.m., my room is dark. My ward's power supply has been cut, so I only have one hour left to look at my dream school: Wharton School, University of Pennsylvania (Upenn).

I have recurrently imagined walking in Upenn's enormous campus. It instills in me a sense of adventure (where will my secret spots be?). And I admire Van Pelt Library's grandiose beauty. Its high ceilings and brown color inculcate an invigorating but still cozy feel; not to mention the huge amount of available research materials. Van Pelt makes working much more enjoyable.

Now let's tab the "Interdisciplinary Study," it sounds interesting. Wow! The college allows me to design my own curriculum. This is perfect for me. Accounting and Finance has long been my favorite, but Psychology is intriguing, too, especially Consumer Psychology. I would not be able to pursue both interests simultaneously in many other colleges. In Upenn, I can!

While designing my own timetable, I will definitely make time to continue dancing. Performing in Platt House sounds really thrilling. My dream of choreographing a Vietnamese dance and a hip-hop item can also be accomplished. I may even take up something new, like Archery or Martial Arts.

Large and diverse as Upenn is, staying put for four years still seems dull. In two Junior College years, I participated in two overseas school trips, and cannot imagine four university years without one. I want to explore new economies, cultures and learn more useful skills. One click into "Innovative Learning" reveals Wharton Leadership Ventures and Wharton International Programs, both willingly aid qualified students. I should never miss such precious chances to learn beyond classroom. I can try signing up for the organizing committee, too. Hopefully my secretarial experiences while organizing Spectra events in Singapore will help.

How about "Life at Wharton?" Majority of the alumni appreciate the social life here. Let's see, they have eight cohorts in just one school. Fascinatingly, cohorts are named after currencies! I like Rupee's maroon color, but Shekel and Yen look more enthusiastic and united in their photos. Perhaps each cohort has its own strengths and characteristics. As long as I can be in one of them, I'd be over the moon.

"Geez, no more battery?" I sighed. My laptop screen has turned black. Lying down, I can still visualize Upenn, Wharton, and their question: what can I, in return, contribute to their community?

I am no Hercules who can lift up a thousand-kilogram statue. However, I danced for nine hours with only one hour break while preparing for my 2011 dance concert. I guess I am physically useful.

I am no Jasper Cullen who can control people's feelings. However, my family and friends like to tell me their problems. My Project Work groupmates say they would never mind me being their leader. I guess I am mentally and socially useful.

Despite having no superheroic capabilities, I still hope to benefit the Upenn community, because I will dedicate my most valuable possessions: my heart and brain.
mamaton   
Dec 27, 2011
Poetry / When I return from New York [7]

Thank you! :)
But I guess I should switch the postitions of verses 3 and 4. Is there anyway to edit the poem above?
mamaton   
Dec 27, 2011
Poetry / When I return from New York [7]

Hello!
Glad to know that my work helped you a little. All the best for your MIT application :)
mamaton   
Dec 27, 2011
Poetry / When I return from New York [7]

It's my first poem so I feel very encouraged reading your comment. Haha I'm blushing. Thank you so much!
mamaton   
Dec 27, 2011
Poetry / When I return from New York [7]

When I return from New York,
Bring me a handful of soil,
Let it dirty my glossy suit,
Let its smell fill my thirsty nose.

When I return from New York,
Make me a bowl of soup,
Where parsley blends with fish sauce,
Where the country taste defrosts my tongue.

When I return from New York,
Take me back to my cozy room,
Well as the American heaters work,
None parallel the duck-feather blanket with a ginger scent.

When I return from New York,
Take me on a bicycle ride,
To admire the fishmongers' beauty,
Far better than the long-legged girls and the tuxedoed lads.

When I return from New York,
Hold me in your secure arms,
Tell me never to leave,
Tell me the hamster wheel won't go on.
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