Please tell me whether this seems to be an apt topic! This is still a rough draft! I know, it's the typical food vs. you comparison.
"You have a lack of talent, personality, and resourcefulness," my older sister declared. "You're just . . . a piece of toast."
I jerked my head up from the kitchen counter, gazing critically at her. "I'm sorry. Did you just call me toast?"
I'm not a prodigy and I haven't done anything incredibly exciting. My accomplishments aren't miraculous and my tastes are a little bland. Yet, to be called toast of all things? Now I seriously have to consider this.
I would have been a white toast years ago. Back then, I was faceless, a blank slate who would experience frequent shifts in personality. I'd let people smear me with jam and jelly I engaged in "I Spy" games every time I looked in the mirror. I was the shadow of the crowd, trying to find a place among the masses, struggling to make a big impression on those around me by expressing my "uniqueness." Was I enough for people? How much of an impact can I make when I led a mundane life?
It took me a while before I realized that I didn't have to be "big" to be substantial. I'm created by thousands of little crumbs that by themselves are insignificant. I find that I'm defined by what most would call trivialities. I have turned a Polly Pocket house into an exotic zoo of animal figurines where both domestic dogs and elephants could exist. Simple walks along the shore-side with my parents are more enjoyable to me than water-skiing. Finishing my poems and completing books over five hundred pages long are my Olympic feats. Little events, from wasabi-eating contests to waking up for the sunrise, are the things I most look forward to. Somehow, I've made the forgettable events into treasures.
With these crumbs, I've led Hansels and Gretels back home. Using my mundane experiences and the simple beliefs I derived from them, I have somehow led my self-abusive sister back to sanity and urged my friends to confront their problems instead of running away. I wasn't the best guide, but I did try my best. I suppose the fact that my sister is still talking with me and my friends are still laughing is a good indicator of success.
If I'm toast, I'm a multi-grain one, flecked and speckled with all kinds of perspectives and accomplishments that many can't see. I don't need jam or jelly, luxuries and awards, to be more appealing; I'm fine the way I am, even if I do appear boring. All the crumbs that make up my entire being, the little quirks and beliefs I have, are invaluable. I retain every fragment of my identity .
"You know, maybe I am toast," I finally responded to my sister.
"So you finally admit you're boring?" she snorted.
I grinned. "I wouldn't say that."
I REALLY like this!! the concept is really cool and you tie it all together very well! My only criticism would be to check over again for minor grammatical errors and delete wordiness to make it precise. If it helps, I get from this essay that you are quietly interesting. You may appear to be bland, but there's definitely interesting things in there. Please read my NYU one if you can. Thanks!
good introduction, it made me giggle with a sense of humor from your sister.
Very very good description and use of humor.
I love your wording and use of creativity with the whole jam sentence
I really really love your essay. Just a great approach in general!
Maybe you could limit your uses of I's as a critique trying to rephrase some sentences.
Beautiful overall. You deserve that acceptance letter.
Best of luck!
Thank you so much! Is the analogy clear between me and the toast? I fear it isn't and that the admissions officer will be confused.
Is it cliche in any way?
Cliche?! Heck no!
I LOVE the analogy you used. As the above posters have said, this is a great essay. Everything flowed together nicely.
I don't think the admissions officer will be confused at all. Your essay was very clear and creative. It wasn't flowery with over extravagant words, but rather simple, in a very good way. Your essay is kind of how you described yourself when I think about it! And as karissa said, one can tell from your essay that you are quietly interesting. Perhaps bland and simple on the inside, but definitely interesting underneath.
I wouldn't change anything about this essay, just look over it again for grammatical errors.
Overall, great job. I really enjoyed reading this one! :)
Please look at mine as well if you can, I would really appreciate it!
Kim
As the other poster have expressed you have an excellent essay which was not boring or cliche in my estimation. I found it to be very refreshing and genuine and the tidbits of your personality were nicely incorporated.
Thank you so much! I'm in the process of editing it.
I just hope I don't make it that I'm truly "boring"...haha
Kim
Mhmmm, I was worried about that boring part, because it kind of connotes negativity.
Hi Aromie,
I think ur essay isn't cliche. It sounds honest. I didn't find any grammatical errors. But yea, I agree with Zhou, the word 'boring' does sound negative, especially when it comes from someone else but u.
All the best for ur app! :)
I'm struggling to make it so that I'm not truly boring because I appreciate the small things. Are there any suggestions?
This is really very good. I like the unique topic you've chosen. A few of your sentences are a little awkwardly phrased. For instance:
"I'd let people smear me with jam and jelly I engaged in "I Spy" games every time I looked inthe mirror."
^ I would reword this to "I had let people smear me with jam and jelly; I engaged in an "I Spy" game every time I looked into the mirror"
There are a couple of similar sentences like that. Overall, very well done. Just read it aloud to yourself to see what else you could tweak.
Good luck! Hope to see you at Brown next year :)
It was an awesome comparison! I loved the Hansel and Gretel sentence-- it shows how big a seemingly insignificant crumb is!! Good job!!
