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Posts by zman9264
Joined: Dec 27, 2011
Last Post: Dec 28, 2011
Threads: 2
Posts: 9  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 11
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zman9264   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / My name is Jason - Common App Essay [9]

Hi, would anyone be willing to offer further feedback? Mostly I would like to know about how the maze analogy flows. Also, would it be necessary to explicitly state some overarching theme about my dedication and introspective nature? I felt it was implied throughout the essay, but maybe I am tainted by my own bias as an author. I'm willing to critique your essays as well! :)
zman9264   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / Movies- "Tell us something you do for pleasure" MIT [19]

I'm not sure I agree with your progression of thought. You talk about how you can immerse yourself in a movie, but at the very end, relate it to advancing yourself in real life. The jump seems a little unnecessary and random to me. I would just try to focus on how you can immerse yourself in movies. I offer a mere suggestion - it is up to you whether you want to follow my advice.

Good luck!
zman9264   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / "The Captain" - Harvard Supplement- The prompt is write about anything [32]

One concern: Could you explain a little more in the beginning how there was discrimination on the team? I love being able to infer, but I feel like you left too much up to interpretation. I would be less distracted if you would provide, say, an example of this discrimination.

Overall, well written piece. Good luck!
zman9264   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / My name is Jason - Common App Essay [9]

Thanks for the feedback. I'm really busy tonight so I don't have time, but I will try tomorrow to review your essays. @Max, do you mean the word "maze," or the metaphor? Thanks again!

Any further feedback is appreciated!
zman9264   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / My name is Jason - Common App Essay [9]

Any feedback would be appreciated. To be honest, I don't really like it but don't really know how to improve it. Please tear it apart.

Prompt: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

My name was Zhe Qin (pronounced like "joo-uh" - "chin"). It was the name I grew up with, and for much of my life, the name I shared with society.

At age three, I moved to the United States. Interacting with this new world, I became confused when those around me could not properly pronounce "Zhe." Overwhelmed by mispronunciation after mispronunciation, I grew self-conscious about my name. Luckily, my unease eventually disappeared. My name, I realized, conferred upon me a feeling of uniqueness. I had drawn my name into my identity and needed not worry about those who could not pronounce it - I knew I was Zhe.

Last year, my parents suggested legally changing my name to Jason. For a few years I had used "Jason" as a nickname, for the convenience of friends and teachers who enjoyed a more pronounceable name. Although comfortable as Zhe, I understood that others would prefer to know me by Jason in the future. Yet, as the court date for my name change hearing approached, I began having second thoughts. I worried that I should start identifying myself as "Jason" to everyone, including myself. My sense of identity, of which my name was an integral part, became blurred.

Hours dragged into days, days into weeks. Nagging anxiety consumed me; my mind raced and my heart pounded as I pondered who I was. Lost and confused, I was trapped in an intricate maze, each well-worn path leading to dead ends, to only simple memories or attributes I tied to my name; none led to the exit, to the answer to the question "Am I Zhe?"

When I heard "Zhe," I was reminded of my identity and my past. I thought of my best qualities: cheerfulness, dedication. I recalled memories and emotions, for instance my feeling of belonging when friends or family pronounced my name correctly - something as simple as "Hey, Zhe!" - telling me I was with people who cared about me. Now, I wondered, "If I am no longer Zhe, who am I?" I was paralyzed by fear and apprehension that I would lose myself and all I had become.

Gradually, however, as I struggled through my identity crisis and endeavored to complete my maze, I began seeing myself anew. I had associated each dead end, each aspect of my identity, to my distinctive name, but realized that those features also exist independent of the single word "Zhe." I still have the same memories, ideals, friends, and interests. With this in mind, I finally, and readily, became Jason.

I remain the same individual I was before. Now, though, having persevered through my maze, I understand that an identity is multifaceted, that my name alone, while important, is not essential in determining who I am. Most importantly, as I finally left this arduous labyrinth, I found at the exit myself, Jason Zhe Qin, the coalescence of a lifetime of memories and values. Although I am no longer the child named Zhe, we are still the same person.
zman9264   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Fibonacci in Nature'- Harvard Supp't [8]

Not gonna lie, I saw this same video by ViHart on Youtube. Such interesting stuff, right? I admire your confident use of punctuation and your prose, both of which far outshine my humble writing skills.

I find very few issues with your writing. What I list below will be more suggestions than ideas you should follow.

"My teeth sat on edge with excitement as" - is this the proper idiom? I'm not familiar with it and a quick Google search yields few results. I found "set teeth on edge," but that has more of a connotation of being annoyed.

You use "thus" and "therefore" fairly often. I feel like your use of them reduces their intrinsic emphatic values, since you use them not so much for conclusion, but rather for transition. Then again, this is really up to you, as I'm no English professor.

In your third to last paragraph, you state that you want "conclusive numerical evidence that what I was finding was natural law." So when you write "I realized there was probably some meaning to this number, although I could not gather what," I would try to return to this idea that it is part of some "natural law," to tie this paragraph together more.

I do feel that the essay is a bit long, and I found myself getting distracted at parts. Overall, though, it is wonderfully written. If you choose to cut anything, then I suggest the part about the photograph, as it just emphasizes the points you make throughout your essay, without adding any novel concepts.

Good luck!
zman9264   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / I missed my train - Caltech ethical dilemma essay [6]

Thanks for the suggestions everyone! And yes, the incident is true, although I had to condense the time frame slightly to make it more concise as a written piece. Also, any further feedback would be appreciated!
zman9264   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / Molecular Gastronomy - Stanford Intellectual vitality [4]

Your topic is interesting. I agree with the comments made by Balanchine. I would like to emphasize that the last sentence could be much better.

You seem to jump around in your essay. One minute you're talking about waffles and pancakes, yet in the next paragraph you, with little transition, discuss miracle berries. "Miracle berries contain no sugar introducing another alternative for diabetics and dieters. Attending this lecture not only increased my understanding of science in food but changed my perception of the conventions of dining." - doesn't flow together very well.

Anyways, not counting the errors mentioned above, your essay is good.

Good luck, and thanks for looking over my essay!
zman9264   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / I missed my train - Caltech ethical dilemma essay [6]

So I'm really new to this forum, but from what I've seen it's a great place. I am hoping someone (or preferably - some people!) would be willing to look over my short response. Any feed back is appreciated - negative feedback is preferred!

Prompt: Members of the Caltech community live, learn, and work within an Honor System with one simple guideline, 'No member shall take unfair advantage of any other member of the Caltech community.' While seemingly simple, questions of ethics, honesty, and integrity are sometimes challenging. Share an ethical dilemma that challenged you. How did you respond? Your response is not limited to academic situations.

Nearly jogging as I traversed New York Penn Station, I glanced at the clock - "1:12." I sighed in relief; I had not missed the 1:14 train. Slowing down, I noticed a few homeless men near the stairs. Walking by, one of them suddenly cursed. I looked down, and saw him prod the other man, who appeared to be asleep. The first man did not seem anxious, and I, not wanting to miss the train and wait an hour for the next one, ignored them.

Boarding the train, though, my indifference morphed into fear, worst case scenarios flashing through my mind. "Is he conscious? Is he breathing?" I was stunned by my actions; "Am I so selfish that I would ignore someone possibly unconscious only so I could get home an hour earlier?" Especially since I knew CPR and could help him, I could not forgive myself.

I rushed off the train, flying up the stairs. Relief flooded through me as I saw that the unconscious man was breathing and being examined by a security guard. The situation was bad; that man, [name], had suffered a seizure and was unconscious, but luckily was breathing and had a pulse. After five long minutes, the EMT's arrived. By now the train had already left, yet I felt fine, even happy, having made an insignificantly small sacrifice to try to aid [name] instead of ignoring his plight.

I'm running into the issue of trying to convey how I felt while also communicating the passage of time in a mere 1300 characters. Any suggestions on what I should cut (if needed)?
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