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Posts by bommy1994
Joined: Dec 29, 2011
Last Post: Dec 30, 2011
Threads: 3
Posts: 8  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 11
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bommy1994   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / "My life's calling and without a warning"; Why Carnegie Mellon? [3]

I am so lost..I can't think of how to improve this essay...but I know it need improvement! Help will be appreciated! thanks!

Please submit a one-page, single-spaced essay that explains why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon and your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s). This essay should include the reasons why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know. If you are applying to more than one college or program, please mention each college or program you are applying to. Because our admission committees review applicants by college and programs, your essay can impact our final decision. Please do not exceed one page for this essay.

Growing up, my career plans changed seemingly an infinite amount of times. One day, I wanted to be a lawyer to help people who faced injustices, the next, a nurse to travel to third world countries to provide free medical care, a singer to bring joy to peoples' ears, and even the first Asian woman to play professional soccer in America. But, as the moment to decide on one option came closer and closer, I had difficulty putting my finger on one aspect that I had the most passion for. I contemplated and thought about each option carefully for quite a long time, and I was able to come to one conclusion. Although quite different from each other, every career plan had one aspect in common ï a longing to impact a person's life. With this in mind, I lived on, searching for my life's calling and without a warning, I found it.

It was raining as I got off the church van at the homeless shelter in Buena Park, where I had visited every month to sing and feed the homeless families. As I walked into the hallway, my eyes met with a little girl in her mom's arms, who was coughing and crying. Anyone could tell that she was sick but no one was paying attention to her. I embraced her in my arms and I prayed for her, as that was all I could do at that moment. The sad eyes from that little girl kept me up at night wishing I could help her. She greatly reminded me of myself and my own personal memories of financial hardships. At that moment, it was obvious to me what my life's calling was; a pediatrician.

Diving into my journey of college applications, I knew exactly what I wanted in a school. I was searching for a place that offered an abundance of research opportunities and a place that can help prepare me for my future career plans. Carnegie Mellon had just what I was looking for. The Mellon College of Science had the resources and experienced teachers necessary for educational success and I felt at ease after seeing the 85% medical school acceptance rate. I was especially attracted to Carnegie Mellon's health professions program. In this program, I would be able to have access to academic advising that will keep me on the right track of achieving my goal of getting accepted into medical school ,as well as be exposed to many volunteer and internship opportunities that will help me gain enough experience in the medical field. Carnegie would be an ideal place to explore a wide range of possibilities for my future.

Aside from the statistics and facts, I also came across the values of Carnegie Mellon University: dedication, collaboration, compassion, integrity and inclusion. These values seemed to match my moral beliefs and values perfectly and seemed like a place that can understand my thoughts and ways of thinking. Home. It felt like home. Ever since my first visit to CMU, my heart knew that this was the place that I wanted to be. With the renowned reputation of creating a foundation for some of the world's greatest minds, Carnegie Mellon holds special qualities that most schools do not have to offer. The abundance of opportunities and connections that I would be able to establish through my undergraduate studies at Carnegie can help me use my passion in medicine to help many children in need. As long as eyes like those of that little girl that had kept me up all night are still out there, I will continue to push myself to become not only a successful pediatrician, but to be a person that can bring relief and joy into a child's life. At Carnegie Mellon University, I would be able to achieve these goals and also plant an endless amount of new dreams into my future.
bommy1994   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'algebra II and trigonometry' - Common app- Elaborate on an activity [22]

I know this might be a little mind-boggling...but i feel like your extracurricular essay should be about something that you do that is unique.<--everyone does math...and everyone had the experience of overcoming a hard math class...but that is just my opinion haha
bommy1994   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / "Did you dye it?" - Commonapp main essay [5]

These are what I am truly; along with my differently-colored hair, these facts create a genetic map of who I am as an individual, different from the stereotypical presumption, trespass the categorical boundaries, transcend the limit of any definition.

Im not the best at grammar so I won't tell you how to fix it...but I will say that this sentence seemed a bit awkward... ^^ you might want to look it over and make sure this is the sentence you wanted!

overall, I really liked it! your topic is very interesting and unique~ good luck revising it! :D
bommy1994   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the masters paid off' - my passion for singing [3]

I had to redo this because I thought this was 1000 words instead of characters. :( help will be appreciated!! thanks in advance!!

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).

The king of pop himself, Michael Jackson, once stated, "The greatest education in the world is watching the masters at work."

Music was always a big part of my life. My mother, a vocal performance major, started training me in piano at a young age. As time passed however, I noticed that my passion for singing was much greater than that for piano. Refusing to let her own daughter go down the harsh road of a musician, my mother continued to deny my request for lessons. Determined to satisfy my craving for vocal training, I turned to television and the internet for help. I carefully observed each singer that performed and picked up the techniques necessary to develop my own style. Eventually, observing the "masters" paid off and I was fortunate enough to become the lead vocalist for a church band, perform in many benefit concerts, and even gain my parent's support. I was able to realize that self-discipline and determination can be the foundation for accomplishing what you really want.
bommy1994   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Soccer and jealousy' - common app essay! (elaborate on an extra-curricular) [5]

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).

Jealousy was the triggering factor of my soccer career. Witnessing my brother practice with his team and playing games on weekends sparked my interest and therefore convinced my parents to sign me up for a soccer team as soon as I turned 5. No one could foresee that from that point on, my life would eventually revolve around soccer practices and games which allowed little room for much else. What had started off from a pure emotion of a toddler eventually became a way of life and a major contribution to who I am today.

Being able to practice with a father who grew up playing soccer in Korea as well as a brother who started playing before I did, I was able to pick up skills and game strategies much quicker than most children. I started improving my game and eventually was selected to play for the Spring Select B-Team, a second string all- star team for the city I was playing for. Being in a Spring Select team for AYSO at the age of nine was an eye opening experience. I began seeing the coach favoring his daughter and assistant coach's daughter by playing them at the positions they preferred and giving them much more playing time than the rest of us. I tried talking to him about the biased decisions that were being made, but soon ended up quitting the team when the coach remained adamant in his decisions. Rather than exiting from the sport however, I swore that from that point on I would improve so that the coaches would not treat me unfairly. My parents gladly signed me up with a private trainer and with undying determination I gradually saw improvement in my own skills. By the next season, I was selected in an A-Team and became a superstar in the team throughout the season. Not running away from the problems I encountered, I faced them headfirst and learned a valuable lesson in life about the need to be proactive.

Realizing the limits of soccer within the AYSO soccer leagues, I convinced my parents to sign me up for a club team, which was a competitive league consisting of girls much like myself. Playing soccer in a club team changed my view on the sport and was yet another eye opening experience. I quickly learned that this was a team sport and I needed to be the best at the positions I was told to play. I also learned that winning in this stage of club soccer was much more important than being a superstar of a losing team. I learned to play under the instructions and game plan that was set by the coaching staff which, without my knowledge, helped me become a much better player.

When my club team was not capable of advancing further into higher divisions, I had to decide between leaving the team and trying out for different teams that were in higher levels. This became an extremely difficult decision for me. I needed to choose between the friendships that I had built playing on this team and moving teams in order to improve my own self. The decision to try out for a better team signified the start of my journey in striving to reach the premier league team: an ultimate goal of a club soccer player. After moving teams, the challenges never stopped, but by overcoming each obstacle, I helped the Silver team to reach Silver Elite league, Silver Elite team to reach Gold league, and finally, with the help of my teammates, reached my goal of being in a Premier team. I had set my eyes on the Premier League and through hard work I eventually reached my dream during my junior year of High School.

When I think about my soccer career, it wasn't easy. Though there had been many bumps in the road, I bounced back each time in order to reach the top. Memories of self discipline and training proved my desire to show that I was better than what they had always thought of me. Motivated by these convictions, I tasted the sweet taste of victory that many others strove to acquire. By facing these challenges on my own, I gained the knowledge of knowing that in life, nothing came easy and everything must be earned.

Playing for such a high level club team meant much more intensive practices during the weekdays and traveling longer distances for games on the weekends. As I got older, the classes that I took became more demanding and required more time for studying. This meant I had no time to waste by hanging out with my friends and enjoying life like the other kids around me. I had to manage my time for studying, soccer practices, and soccer games. When my friends were hanging out at the mall, I was studying. When my friends were partying or watching movies on weekends, I was playing soccer games and catching up with studying at night. There were many nights I regretted getting heavily involved with soccer when I could not socialize with my friends. However, I now know that soccer has helped me become the person that I amïa proactive person.

Upon reaching my senior year of high school, I stopped playing club soccer after leaving my mark in the Premier League in order to work and help out my parents who were in a difficult situation. However, my passion for the sport remains within me and will never forget all the obstacles that I had to overcome to reach my long term goal. I know that this passion will continue as I go to college and will push me to play intramurals. No matter how much older I get, I will never be able to forget how soccer helped me define myself and who I am today. What started off as a simple hobby now remains as a significant life experience.
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