I am so lost..I can't think of how to improve this essay...but I know it need improvement! Help will be appreciated! thanks!
Please submit a one-page, single-spaced essay that explains why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon and your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s). This essay should include the reasons why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know. If you are applying to more than one college or program, please mention each college or program you are applying to. Because our admission committees review applicants by college and programs, your essay can impact our final decision. Please do not exceed one page for this essay.
Growing up, my career plans changed seemingly an infinite amount of times. One day, I wanted to be a lawyer to help people who faced injustices, the next, a nurse to travel to third world countries to provide free medical care, a singer to bring joy to peoples' ears, and even the first Asian woman to play professional soccer in America. But, as the moment to decide on one option came closer and closer, I had difficulty putting my finger on one aspect that I had the most passion for. I contemplated and thought about each option carefully for quite a long time, and I was able to come to one conclusion. Although quite different from each other, every career plan had one aspect in common ï a longing to impact a person's life. With this in mind, I lived on, searching for my life's calling and without a warning, I found it.
It was raining as I got off the church van at the homeless shelter in Buena Park, where I had visited every month to sing and feed the homeless families. As I walked into the hallway, my eyes met with a little girl in her mom's arms, who was coughing and crying. Anyone could tell that she was sick but no one was paying attention to her. I embraced her in my arms and I prayed for her, as that was all I could do at that moment. The sad eyes from that little girl kept me up at night wishing I could help her. She greatly reminded me of myself and my own personal memories of financial hardships. At that moment, it was obvious to me what my life's calling was; a pediatrician.
Diving into my journey of college applications, I knew exactly what I wanted in a school. I was searching for a place that offered an abundance of research opportunities and a place that can help prepare me for my future career plans. Carnegie Mellon had just what I was looking for. The Mellon College of Science had the resources and experienced teachers necessary for educational success and I felt at ease after seeing the 85% medical school acceptance rate. I was especially attracted to Carnegie Mellon's health professions program. In this program, I would be able to have access to academic advising that will keep me on the right track of achieving my goal of getting accepted into medical school ,as well as be exposed to many volunteer and internship opportunities that will help me gain enough experience in the medical field. Carnegie would be an ideal place to explore a wide range of possibilities for my future.
Aside from the statistics and facts, I also came across the values of Carnegie Mellon University: dedication, collaboration, compassion, integrity and inclusion. These values seemed to match my moral beliefs and values perfectly and seemed like a place that can understand my thoughts and ways of thinking. Home. It felt like home. Ever since my first visit to CMU, my heart knew that this was the place that I wanted to be. With the renowned reputation of creating a foundation for some of the world's greatest minds, Carnegie Mellon holds special qualities that most schools do not have to offer. The abundance of opportunities and connections that I would be able to establish through my undergraduate studies at Carnegie can help me use my passion in medicine to help many children in need. As long as eyes like those of that little girl that had kept me up all night are still out there, I will continue to push myself to become not only a successful pediatrician, but to be a person that can bring relief and joy into a child's life. At Carnegie Mellon University, I would be able to achieve these goals and also plant an endless amount of new dreams into my future.
I really liked how you stressed why *specifically* CMU for this essay.
I would suggest one thing:
"Growing up, my career plans changed seemingly an infinite amount of times. One day, I wanted to be a lawyer to help people who faced injustices, the next, a nurse to travel to third world countries to provide free medical care, a singer to bring joy to peoples' ears, and even the first Asian woman to play professional soccer in America. But, as the moment to decide on one option came closer and closer, I had difficulty putting my finger on one aspect that I had the most passion for. I contemplated and thought about each option carefully for quite a long time, and I was able to come to one conclusion. Although quite different from each other, every career plan had one aspect in common - a longing to impact a person's life. With this in mind, I lived on, searching for my life's calling and without a warning, I found it."
I feel that the intro to the essay is a bit weak and it doesn't seem to tell me as much about you as the rest of the essay. It's common for high school kids to switch their career plans all the time. I think that if you started right off the bat with the second paragraph, it would be more captivating.
ok I'm not that good editing and proof reading but here's what I have to say:
note: - I'm a blunt person so no take offence from what I say
Your story about choosing your career is lame and hard to believe (even if it is true)
the reason it is hard to believe is because a career choice is not chosen by a small experience like that especially if you were not sure what you wanted to be for a long time. I myself decided what I would be a long time ago have had years to justify it. Even if you have only decided recently, you have to show that you spent time justifying it and that you actually care about what you are going to do not just based on one small experience.
Your structure is weak.
your 1st paragraph is purely about what you want to be - yet this is your intro
the essay is not what you want to be, but why you want to go to CMU
"I felt at ease after seeing the 85% medical school acceptance rate"
This is a very bad thing to mention. Although everyone does feel good when they know that they into med school, it shows that you are trying to look for an easy way in and are not up for the actual challenge. It shows that you are not confident in your own abilities and that your insufficient to get in by yourself. I suggest you stay away from admission rates altogether.
I hope I helped! :D
can you look at my essays?
