bestcrayons911
Jan 7, 2012
Undergraduate / 'being Vietnamese' - University of Wisconsin: How will you enrich our community? [3]
Wow, thanks Ina. That's very helpful. I'll do my best!
Wow, thanks Ina. That's very helpful. I'll do my best!
bestcrayons911
Jan 7, 2012
Undergraduate / 'I have a lot of interesting and unique things' - unique about me [2]
i think you've got the right idea, but this essay focuses more on what you can do, not who you are as a person. i like the parts about having courage in front of people and being accepting of people of different nationalities. i would expand on this, maybe add some examples/stories or just describe in more detail.
i think you've got the right idea, but this essay focuses more on what you can do, not who you are as a person. i like the parts about having courage in front of people and being accepting of people of different nationalities. i would expand on this, maybe add some examples/stories or just describe in more detail.
bestcrayons911
Jan 7, 2012
Undergraduate / 'being Vietnamese' - University of Wisconsin: How will you enrich our community? [3]
In order to give us a more complete picture of you as an individual, please tell us about the particular life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring to our campus. In other words, how will your presence enrich our community?
I feel a little awkward about this question because I'm writing an essay about diversity. Please tell me if I answer the prompt and be brutally honest on what I need to change. Examples along with the suggestions would be appreciated.
Growing up Vietnamese has sometimes meant that I look at the world differently than some of my non-Asian friends do. Originally, it was always accepting what my parents said without question. Then came a period in which I questioned everything we did that wasn't "American." But eventually, I came to appreciate that there are some things we do for a reason.
All my life, grades have always been of the utmost importance. I've always been told that the better grades I have, the better school I'll be able to get into, setting the course for the rest of my life. I've been expected to get good grades and berated for bad ones. My parents hold me to such a high standard that it's been engrained in me. Although I used to get good grades for them, now I need good grades for myself as well.
I think it's the same thing with learning how to play the piano. My parents needed something that they could be proud of. That's where learning how to play the piano came in. They reasoned that one of the surefire ways to make sure I grew into an accomplished individual was if I mastered an instrument. Even though at first I liked playing the piano, after a time I couldn't understand why I should continue playing if I hated practicing.
There used to be a lot of things I didn't like about being Vietnamese. One of them was my parents' absolute no in getting any pets (aside from goldfish, which don't do anything but eat and poop.) Sure, pets were a lot of money and work, but we promised we would take good care of them. Another was how overprotective my parents were, in general. In my seventeen years, I've never been to a sleepover. I've never watched an unedited R-rated movie. Whenever I got sick, my parents would insist on applying Eagle Oil, an oily substance that was unpleasantly sharp and spicy and that would seep into our clothes. I was always self-conscious of smelling funny at school.
My parents also raised my sisters and me to believe that we were poor. This meant eating out only once every six months or so and even then only at Asian buffets. We were also avid bargain hunters. Every time we went into a store, we'd always hit the clearance racks first. When I was younger, I never understood why we were being so cheap when we could afford better.
In the end though, I realized that most of the things my parents taught me were true. Being cheap means having more money for more important things, like a college education. Being a sheltered child means that I'm more cautious than other American kids. I'm also much less likely to do something spontaneous that I will regret later. Having pride in my accomplishments means that I will push myself to work harder and achieve more. All these things made me the way I am today. It's a way of problem solving and at the same time, a way of preserving a piece of my native culture. I still want a dog though.
In order to give us a more complete picture of you as an individual, please tell us about the particular life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring to our campus. In other words, how will your presence enrich our community?
I feel a little awkward about this question because I'm writing an essay about diversity. Please tell me if I answer the prompt and be brutally honest on what I need to change. Examples along with the suggestions would be appreciated.
Growing up Vietnamese has sometimes meant that I look at the world differently than some of my non-Asian friends do. Originally, it was always accepting what my parents said without question. Then came a period in which I questioned everything we did that wasn't "American." But eventually, I came to appreciate that there are some things we do for a reason.
All my life, grades have always been of the utmost importance. I've always been told that the better grades I have, the better school I'll be able to get into, setting the course for the rest of my life. I've been expected to get good grades and berated for bad ones. My parents hold me to such a high standard that it's been engrained in me. Although I used to get good grades for them, now I need good grades for myself as well.
I think it's the same thing with learning how to play the piano. My parents needed something that they could be proud of. That's where learning how to play the piano came in. They reasoned that one of the surefire ways to make sure I grew into an accomplished individual was if I mastered an instrument. Even though at first I liked playing the piano, after a time I couldn't understand why I should continue playing if I hated practicing.
There used to be a lot of things I didn't like about being Vietnamese. One of them was my parents' absolute no in getting any pets (aside from goldfish, which don't do anything but eat and poop.) Sure, pets were a lot of money and work, but we promised we would take good care of them. Another was how overprotective my parents were, in general. In my seventeen years, I've never been to a sleepover. I've never watched an unedited R-rated movie. Whenever I got sick, my parents would insist on applying Eagle Oil, an oily substance that was unpleasantly sharp and spicy and that would seep into our clothes. I was always self-conscious of smelling funny at school.
My parents also raised my sisters and me to believe that we were poor. This meant eating out only once every six months or so and even then only at Asian buffets. We were also avid bargain hunters. Every time we went into a store, we'd always hit the clearance racks first. When I was younger, I never understood why we were being so cheap when we could afford better.
In the end though, I realized that most of the things my parents taught me were true. Being cheap means having more money for more important things, like a college education. Being a sheltered child means that I'm more cautious than other American kids. I'm also much less likely to do something spontaneous that I will regret later. Having pride in my accomplishments means that I will push myself to work harder and achieve more. All these things made me the way I am today. It's a way of problem solving and at the same time, a way of preserving a piece of my native culture. I still want a dog though.
bestcrayons911
Jan 7, 2012
Undergraduate / 'a costume to wear for one year of my life' - Common App [11]
Thanks unwana11, that was very helpful...
Thanks unwana11, that was very helpful...
bestcrayons911
Jan 7, 2012
Undergraduate / 'constantly on the move' - Why do you feel Seattle University [6]
hahaha, it sounds like you're quoting mean girl in the first few sentences. i love it!
Not only will I be given the opportunity to study finance in a nationally recognized business school, but do so with students from different cultural and ethnic backgrounds as well. "Not only would I be able to study finance in a nationally recognized business school, but I'd also be able to do so with students from different cultural and ethnic backgrounds as well."
Just as Elif Shafak said, "If you want to destroy something in this life, be it an acne, blemish, a human soul, surround it with thick walls, and it will dry up inside" I think this is a good goal, but I think you should analyze it more, like "being closed off from the world will deprive me of knowledge" or something.
As a soon to be high school graduate, I've outgrown this island and am in need of a different, more fast paced lifestyle.
Never having been to Seattle, I can only imagine the energy and opportunities that the city will bring. Although this may be true, I'm not sure if you should tell them this. They may question how much you will like it if you've never visited.
Other than that, I can't find anything wrong with it. It's very good for something you "pulled...out of your butt".
hahaha, it sounds like you're quoting mean girl in the first few sentences. i love it!
Not only will I be given the opportunity to study finance in a nationally recognized business school, but do so with students from different cultural and ethnic backgrounds as well. "Not only would I be able to study finance in a nationally recognized business school, but I'd also be able to do so with students from different cultural and ethnic backgrounds as well."
Just as Elif Shafak said, "If you want to destroy something in this life, be it an acne, blemish, a human soul, surround it with thick walls, and it will dry up inside" I think this is a good goal, but I think you should analyze it more, like "being closed off from the world will deprive me of knowledge" or something.
As a soon to be high school graduate, I've outgrown this island and am in need of a different, more fast paced lifestyle.
Never having been to Seattle, I can only imagine the energy and opportunities that the city will bring. Although this may be true, I'm not sure if you should tell them this. They may question how much you will like it if you've never visited.
Other than that, I can't find anything wrong with it. It's very good for something you "pulled...out of your butt".
bestcrayons911
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'a costume to wear for one year of my life' - Common App [11]
thanks for all the comments. i realize what i have to do, but i'm not sure how to do it. any suggestions?
thanks for all the comments. i realize what i have to do, but i'm not sure how to do it. any suggestions?
bestcrayons911
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'still the teacher assistant' - college essay [6]
Wake up. Go To School. Go home. Go to sleep. That was it. There was nothing more, nothing less. Make the t in to lowercase. I would also add a sentence in between to clarify what you were thinking/going to do so the reader isn't confused. I really love how short and choppy these first few sentences are though; it gives the beginning an impression that it was dreary.
3:10 PM that first day. Up the hill, about to conquer to this new place; I don't know what to expect. I would rearrange these around a little so it's not so confusing. It's 3:10 that first day. I'm climbing the hill and I don't know what to expect. I wouldn't use the word "conquer"; it doesn't seem right in this context.
Will the kids be nice? Is the teacher friendly? Can I handle this? You change tenses.
I go down the street, up the stairs, "knock, knock", I am introduced to my current "boss", the teacher I am going to be working for. Maybe combine the first two fragments to going up the hill. Make "I am introduced to the teacher, my new boss" its own sentence.
Then a stream of first graders, fifth graders, fourth graders, coming through the door and despite being nervous I introduce myself to each with a smile. Change coming to come and take out the comma. Break this up into two sentences.
Next to the table is a book case filled with an assortment of titles and binders that are constantly read, consulted, and written in. I'm confused. The books are being written in? And what are the binders for?
While the kids sit around a table that fits comfortably right into the middle of their average size room, I walk around offering guidance for their homework. I would take out the "right into the middle of their average size". It's too wordy. Change for to on.
Sometimes one of the kids gets easily distracted or gets really difficult to handle. To control, a dozen of rambunctious students alone under normal circumstances is difficult enough, but because the teacher was running late, a challenging "You're not our real teacher!" came from one of the students. I'm not sure if you meant to put "to control" at the beginning of that sentence or if you wanted to hook it on with the last sentence. Also, make sure that you clearly state that this is a separate incident that only happened once. Like, "for example, once, the teacher was running late."
Then, Jeffrey bolted from his seat, and ran into another room - just to sit on the floor. Frustration takes over when I try to get him to sit back in his seat. After some intense persuasion, he sits back down. A sense of relief has taken over. It's easier when kids behave and are obedient, but where is the fun in that? Is Jeffrey the student that yelled that you weren't the teacher? Make that clear. Again, you change from past to present tense. Are you being sarcastic when you say "but where is the fun in that?"
To be a Jenny that was longing to be bubbly and exciting. This sentence confused me. A Jenny who longed to be bubbly and exciting?
Working with a roomful of kids who appreciate my assistance, adds warmth and energy to my life.You don't need the comma here.
Not only did the after school teaching, overcame my shyness, it filled a void that I never really knew I had. Not only did the after school teaching help me overcome my shyness...
Overall, I really liked your essay. Feel free to reject any of my suggestions if you feel the original was better.
Wake up. Go To School. Go home. Go to sleep. That was it. There was nothing more, nothing less. Make the t in to lowercase. I would also add a sentence in between to clarify what you were thinking/going to do so the reader isn't confused. I really love how short and choppy these first few sentences are though; it gives the beginning an impression that it was dreary.
3:10 PM that first day. Up the hill, about to conquer to this new place; I don't know what to expect. I would rearrange these around a little so it's not so confusing. It's 3:10 that first day. I'm climbing the hill and I don't know what to expect. I wouldn't use the word "conquer"; it doesn't seem right in this context.
Will the kids be nice? Is the teacher friendly? Can I handle this? You change tenses.
I go down the street, up the stairs, "knock, knock", I am introduced to my current "boss", the teacher I am going to be working for. Maybe combine the first two fragments to going up the hill. Make "I am introduced to the teacher, my new boss" its own sentence.
Then a stream of first graders, fifth graders, fourth graders, coming through the door and despite being nervous I introduce myself to each with a smile. Change coming to come and take out the comma. Break this up into two sentences.
Next to the table is a book case filled with an assortment of titles and binders that are constantly read, consulted, and written in. I'm confused. The books are being written in? And what are the binders for?
While the kids sit around a table that fits comfortably right into the middle of their average size room, I walk around offering guidance for their homework. I would take out the "right into the middle of their average size". It's too wordy. Change for to on.
Sometimes one of the kids gets easily distracted or gets really difficult to handle. To control, a dozen of rambunctious students alone under normal circumstances is difficult enough, but because the teacher was running late, a challenging "You're not our real teacher!" came from one of the students. I'm not sure if you meant to put "to control" at the beginning of that sentence or if you wanted to hook it on with the last sentence. Also, make sure that you clearly state that this is a separate incident that only happened once. Like, "for example, once, the teacher was running late."
Then, Jeffrey bolted from his seat, and ran into another room - just to sit on the floor. Frustration takes over when I try to get him to sit back in his seat. After some intense persuasion, he sits back down. A sense of relief has taken over. It's easier when kids behave and are obedient, but where is the fun in that? Is Jeffrey the student that yelled that you weren't the teacher? Make that clear. Again, you change from past to present tense. Are you being sarcastic when you say "but where is the fun in that?"
To be a Jenny that was longing to be bubbly and exciting. This sentence confused me. A Jenny who longed to be bubbly and exciting?
Working with a roomful of kids who appreciate my assistance, adds warmth and energy to my life.You don't need the comma here.
Not only did the after school teaching, overcame my shyness, it filled a void that I never really knew I had. Not only did the after school teaching help me overcome my shyness...
Overall, I really liked your essay. Feel free to reject any of my suggestions if you feel the original was better.
bestcrayons911
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'No life discrimination' - princeton supplement [21]
At the high school were fortunate enough to acquire as Mr. H*** as our new principal. Do you mean "we're"? I think you should change it to "we were" just to clear things up. Also, if you need to cut down words, I don't think you need "at the high school". You made that clear in an earlier sentence.
Every morning, the first thing every student is greeted with is Mr. H***'s sincere smiling face, as they walk up the main steps. This sentence is a little awkward to read. I would rewrite it as "First thing in the morning, every student is greeted by Mr. H***'s sincere smile as they walk up the main steps." This is just a suggestion; you don't have to change it if you don't want to.
Before every break, he walks to every classroom and wishes everybody a safe and happy break, and he makes an effort to show up at the majority of school affairs. I don't think you need the "before every break" because you say break later on in the sentence. Say that he's very dedicated to his job/students/school before this sentence instead.
The reason why I bring up these occurrences is because many people say that, "the love is in the little things" , which I strongly agree with. Cut out "the reason why I bring up these occurrences is because". Many people say that "the love is the little things". Looking at Mr. H***, I strongly agree with this statement.
By him taking time out of his demanding schedule to show his face and be an active member of the school's community shows how dedicated he is to the school. He shows how dedicated he is to the school by taking time out of his demanding schedule to be an active member of the school's community.
As a senior, I have been able to really experience the difference because I have experienced life before him. I don't think you need the second part, "because I have experienced life before him" unless you're going to talk about how different it was before.
Let's just say everything that could go wrong was. Simplify to "everything was going wrong" or cleverly mention Murphy's Law.
To my surprise, he pulled me aside and asked me what was wrong, and he was really sincere about it. You don't need the sincere part. I think that by pulling you aside and asking you what's wrong conveys how sincere he was.
It is rare that you find someone with his responsibilities to notice that something is not right, and try and make it better. This sentence confused me; what did you mean "find someone with his responsibilities"? Did you mean someone with lots of responsibilities? Someone who was preoccupied with his responsibilities? Change "to" to "with"? After this sentence, insert something about how he inspired you to do the same.
There should be no discrimination towards anything you do in life. I'm confused about this as well. What does it mean? How did he show you this?
His way of living has influenced me to be someone who cherishes all the opportunities I am given, and never do something without giving it all of my effort. Again, how has he showed you to cherish your opportunities?
Other than those few corrections, I'd say this is a very well written essay. Feel free to reject anything I suggested if you think your way is better. If you have some free time, do you think you could do mine?
At the high school were fortunate enough to acquire as Mr. H*** as our new principal. Do you mean "we're"? I think you should change it to "we were" just to clear things up. Also, if you need to cut down words, I don't think you need "at the high school". You made that clear in an earlier sentence.
Every morning, the first thing every student is greeted with is Mr. H***'s sincere smiling face, as they walk up the main steps. This sentence is a little awkward to read. I would rewrite it as "First thing in the morning, every student is greeted by Mr. H***'s sincere smile as they walk up the main steps." This is just a suggestion; you don't have to change it if you don't want to.
Before every break, he walks to every classroom and wishes everybody a safe and happy break, and he makes an effort to show up at the majority of school affairs. I don't think you need the "before every break" because you say break later on in the sentence. Say that he's very dedicated to his job/students/school before this sentence instead.
The reason why I bring up these occurrences is because many people say that, "the love is in the little things" , which I strongly agree with. Cut out "the reason why I bring up these occurrences is because". Many people say that "the love is the little things". Looking at Mr. H***, I strongly agree with this statement.
By him taking time out of his demanding schedule to show his face and be an active member of the school's community shows how dedicated he is to the school. He shows how dedicated he is to the school by taking time out of his demanding schedule to be an active member of the school's community.
As a senior, I have been able to really experience the difference because I have experienced life before him. I don't think you need the second part, "because I have experienced life before him" unless you're going to talk about how different it was before.
Let's just say everything that could go wrong was. Simplify to "everything was going wrong" or cleverly mention Murphy's Law.
To my surprise, he pulled me aside and asked me what was wrong, and he was really sincere about it. You don't need the sincere part. I think that by pulling you aside and asking you what's wrong conveys how sincere he was.
It is rare that you find someone with his responsibilities to notice that something is not right, and try and make it better. This sentence confused me; what did you mean "find someone with his responsibilities"? Did you mean someone with lots of responsibilities? Someone who was preoccupied with his responsibilities? Change "to" to "with"? After this sentence, insert something about how he inspired you to do the same.
There should be no discrimination towards anything you do in life. I'm confused about this as well. What does it mean? How did he show you this?
His way of living has influenced me to be someone who cherishes all the opportunities I am given, and never do something without giving it all of my effort. Again, how has he showed you to cherish your opportunities?
Other than those few corrections, I'd say this is a very well written essay. Feel free to reject anything I suggested if you think your way is better. If you have some free time, do you think you could do mine?
bestcrayons911
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'a costume to wear for one year of my life' - Common App [11]
Imagine you have to wear a costume for a year of your life. What would you pick and why?
If you had to wear one costume for a year, what would it be? (or something of that ilk)
I'd have to think this through very carefully before picking a costume to wear for one year of my life. To make this situation as fun as possible, this costume would have to fulfill certain requirements.
First of all, it would have to be memorable. What's the use of wearing a costume for an entire year if no one's going to notice? It'd also need to be something that would show people that I have a quirky side to me, too. Secondly, it would have to be decent. It would lead to a lot of awkward questions and stares if I went to a Sunday service or visited my grandparents in something skimpy (not like I'd ever wear anything skimpy anywhere anyway. I have some dignity.) Lastly, it would have to be comfortable. I can't think of anything worse than being stuck in something that is hard to move in and makes me overheat all the time.
Keeping these criteria in mind, I think that my ideal costume would be a Jedi warrior. It would be really easy to put together even if it wasn't anywhere near Halloween. I could always wear a really long tan shirt belted in the middle over some brown leggings and knee high boots. Add a hooded robe (possibly a Snuggie) and a light saber from Walmart and I'd be good to go.
There are many ways in which being a Jedi warrior for a year would be awesome. One example is the possibility of light saber battles. If I managed to convince some of my friends to dress up with me on some days, we'd be able to have epic light saber battles anywhere we wanted to. Showing people that I wouldn't mind having epic light saber battles in front of complete strangers could possibly help me open up, too. Another point is that being a Jedi warrior does a very good job of filling my requirements and then some. Wearing a Jedi costume interferes with very little with my current day-to-day schedule. I'd be able to continue my conditioning training just fine. Running and lifting weights wouldn't be an issue. With one look at my robe and light saber, no one would have to ask what I was. But I think the most important advantage would be that I wouldn't have to agonize over what to wear for an entire year.
Imagine you have to wear a costume for a year of your life. What would you pick and why?
If you had to wear one costume for a year, what would it be? (or something of that ilk)
I'd have to think this through very carefully before picking a costume to wear for one year of my life. To make this situation as fun as possible, this costume would have to fulfill certain requirements.
First of all, it would have to be memorable. What's the use of wearing a costume for an entire year if no one's going to notice? It'd also need to be something that would show people that I have a quirky side to me, too. Secondly, it would have to be decent. It would lead to a lot of awkward questions and stares if I went to a Sunday service or visited my grandparents in something skimpy (not like I'd ever wear anything skimpy anywhere anyway. I have some dignity.) Lastly, it would have to be comfortable. I can't think of anything worse than being stuck in something that is hard to move in and makes me overheat all the time.
Keeping these criteria in mind, I think that my ideal costume would be a Jedi warrior. It would be really easy to put together even if it wasn't anywhere near Halloween. I could always wear a really long tan shirt belted in the middle over some brown leggings and knee high boots. Add a hooded robe (possibly a Snuggie) and a light saber from Walmart and I'd be good to go.
There are many ways in which being a Jedi warrior for a year would be awesome. One example is the possibility of light saber battles. If I managed to convince some of my friends to dress up with me on some days, we'd be able to have epic light saber battles anywhere we wanted to. Showing people that I wouldn't mind having epic light saber battles in front of complete strangers could possibly help me open up, too. Another point is that being a Jedi warrior does a very good job of filling my requirements and then some. Wearing a Jedi costume interferes with very little with my current day-to-day schedule. I'd be able to continue my conditioning training just fine. Running and lifting weights wouldn't be an issue. With one look at my robe and light saber, no one would have to ask what I was. But I think the most important advantage would be that I wouldn't have to agonize over what to wear for an entire year.
