Unanswered [8] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by DaeDae
Joined: Jan 1, 2012		 Last Post: Jan 4, 2012
Threads: 1
Posts: 13  

From: Jamaica

Displayed posts: 14
sort: Latest first   Oldest first  | 
DaeDae   
Jan 4, 2012
Undergraduate / My position in DECA is the Vice President of Communications - extracurricular activities [4]

Yup this definitely over 1000 characters so i think you should cut out the stuff about how to move up because that doesnt really relate to you.

My junior year, I joined a club called DECA after being introduced to it by a friend. A non-profit student organization, DECA is also an internationally known high school and college club that prepares students for careers in marketing, finance, hospitality and management . Although the club has business aspects to it, it also involves leadership and working togetherwhile developing leadership and team skills . In DECA, there are competitions that people do in order to move up. For people to compete in competitions, they need to pick events. At regionals, state and nationals, people are required to take two tests: product knowledge (test about the event that people selected for themselves) and an economy test. Regionals involves doing one role play (where you are given a business situation and talk about how you would improve that business). If done well at regionals, then comes state. State involves doing two role plays. The people that are selected in the top five at state go to nationals. Nationals is held in a different city every year. If a person wins at nationals, they get an award and a college scholarship. People that do a written event for Regionals are guaranteed to go to State.I put this in green because you need to either completely cut this out or you could try to work parts of it into the section below to show how it helped you grow

I joined DECA out of pure curiousityand then that a curiosity turned into something way more ], a love for a club . The list of benefits that I gained from joining DECA is endless for me. My chapter advisers are extremely supportive and the fact that they are comical makes being in the club so much more fun . I don't think this is necessary, why would you still be in it if it wasn't fun?and are always available to me when I need help with role plays or written events. Also, I've gained many more friends since I've joined.Not too sure about this here...maybe you could say it differently mentioning something about team work? maybe that 'how to move up' section there can be used to show that?My position in DECA is the Vice President of Communications.If anything you've already made this known when you listed your activities on the activities section so you don't have to say it again. As the Vice President of Communications, my responsibilities in the club are to set up events that would get the club involved, help members with role plays, get study material for the members for Regionals, State or Nationals, organize the competitions for the club, organize fundraisers, and book guest speakers. uuuhhhhm, ok i think you prob should have put the 'joined DECA out of curiousity stuff around the beginning and also what your role in it is, because as your essay is now it seems all over the place
DaeDae   
Jan 4, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'The Internet area - blessing or curse?' - check & point out my mistakes [3]

In this current era the internet is deeply ingrained in most everyone's life. This modern invention has made life easier. It is the internet, which provides the means for a student to join a digital library. People today, while sitting in their homes, offices etc, partake in video conferences via the Internetthis sounds better in the next sentence . In years gone by , people communicated via letters,nowadays they can partake in video conferences while sitting in their homes, offices etc, via the Internet. Without the internet, e-commerce would not be possible . In the same manner, it provides an alternative to traditional leisurely endeavours.

However , every coin has two sides and so, while being extremely beneficial, the internet has produced harmful effects . These effects are most noticeable in the younger generation as students have been found to waste more and more of their time watching films, playing online games, instant-messaging each other and thereby neglecting their academic responsibilities . Ostensibly, it helps the student, but does them being able to copy material from the internet and paste it in their assignments- by which they remain ignorant of their assigned topic, really benefit them?.The populace on a whole has also become lazy and important communication and life skills have been lost or eroded . In previous years people read more, but now their time is spent on lesser things. I think this sentence could either go before the sentence about the populace or after the first sentence about the students. You choose.

It is the knife which cuts the fruit and neck. In the same way, user of the internet know the remuneration as well as demerit of the internet, knowingly they coddle themselves as they wish to. Haha, I get what you're trying to say here but I'm lost at the moment as how to make it more understandable :s

Nice essay though (y)
DaeDae   
Jan 4, 2012
Undergraduate / 'No hun, but Aria' - Eugene Lang New School: a time when you were in the minority [7]

Ahhhhh, ok. I asked you if you didn't have any other minority experience because this doesn't really grab me, but seeing as though you haven't responded to that I'm going to assume you haven't. So back to your actual essay.

Living in a household where neither of my parents achieved higher than an Associate's Degree has taught me one thing: my parents know nothing about the college application process. During my senior year, my mother encouraged me to go to a community college to save money as she believed that financial aid profiles were some sort of slick scam. After my eighteenth birthday in October of that year, I decided to assuage her fears by applying for a job at Macy's and saving my pay for college expenses. A week after applying , I had an interview and was hired on the spot. (first paragraph is ok, your second paragraph is what I have a prob with. )

I was shocked by how many people were between the ages of twenty and sixty-five. By the time I overheard members of my team talking about drinking wine on Thanksgiving, I had deduced that I was the youngest one on the shift. Ok, why would you be shocked, really? I don't think you need to say this here. What you could instead bring up is nervousness or apprehension because it was your first day.

p.s. This stuff is in green and red because I'd get annoyed if it were all in one colour. It's already so long, one colour would make reading it a daunting task. Also, you didn't mention before but what's the word limit for this essay?

look back on the experience and write down everything that happened while you worked at macy's. After this pin point all the things that can be related to your 'age minority' idea. Then after that try to analyze what each made you feel and how it affected you. After that write down your response to each situation. Create a time line,what came first and all that, and then maybe you'll see if the treatment you got remained the same or got worse because you were the youngest.Then after that you can start writing the second paragraph again incorporating everything that you've noticed about your experience after the analyzing and also talk about the catalyst to your decision to get rid of the 'prejudice' they had against you. Then how you went about doing so. Stop. Create a timeline again of each of the changes you made to yourself and also what you actually did differently at work. Also include your coworkers responses. Analyze again. When did the treatment you receive start to improve? and by how much did it improve. After analyzing you can try writing about the 'high' moment which is when things started getting better. What did you learn/gain from this experience? How did you grow as a person?

I have no idea if this'll help you and you don't have to and probably won't want to do it, but this is the method-bullet points, timelines, analyzing etc-I use when writing essays on ideas that I don't really have much 'flesh' for and it helps me.
DaeDae   
Jan 2, 2012
Undergraduate / Cornell Supplement. Desire for knowledge and Math. [7]

yosh! I fixed some more things and finally submitted it XD thank you guys for all the advice and input, it was really appreciated! Now I'm just gonna hope and pray that it's good enough lol.
DaeDae   
Jan 2, 2012
Undergraduate / 'No hun, but Aria' - Eugene Lang New School: a time when you were in the minority [7]

*and hired on the spot.

Hmmm I don't think you really addressed the minority thing very well. You could talk more about how you felt being the youngest...intimidated? or inferior? Was being called those endearing names the only thing that happened? Did they excluded you from things? Underestimate you? How exactly did you 'fight to gain respect'? 'Show not tell' is the college app essay mantra so incorporate that idea when you're writing. Btw is this the only minority related incident you've had?

PLEASE look at my essay as well and comment and/or edit it. I'd REALLY appreciate it.
DaeDae   
Jan 2, 2012
Undergraduate / 'No hun, but Aria' - Eugene Lang New School: a time when you were in the minority [7]

Living in a household where neither of my parents hasachieved more than an Associate's Degree has taught me one thing: my parents know nothing about the college application process.

During my senior year, my mother encouraged me to go to a community college to save money because she believed that financial aid profiles were some sort of slick scam thats pretty funny :) . After my eighteenth birthday in October of that year, I decided to assuage her fears by applying for a job at Macy's to save money for college expenses. A week after my eighteenthyou already said the eighteenth birthday part A week after I applied I was called in for an interview and was hired on the spot.
DaeDae   
Jan 2, 2012
Undergraduate / 'interested in Psychology, Biology and Sociology' Why is Duke the right fit? [7]

Oh dear, just realized what your first sentence said, my bad D: . Yes, it may be hard to do that, after all it's your dream school and you want to say many things about it. However, I think that starting a little big and then cutting down to the requirement is the best way to go. So, hop to it! :)
DaeDae   
Jan 2, 2012
Undergraduate / Cornell Supplement. Desire for knowledge and Math. [7]

Oh man, I was afraid of that. So am I back to the drawing board? Or can you offer suggestions on how to spice it up?

Do you mean more specific with how I'll use Cornell ? I had trouble writing that last paragraph *sigh* streeeeeessss lol :) would love to get a response soon btw
DaeDae   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / Cornell Supplement. Desire for knowledge and Math. [7]

I wish I'd found this site sooner, while I still had my other essays doing, because I'm not good at this essay thing. However, hope is not lost! I welcome any help you can give me! Don't hold back on the critiques!

Describe your intellectual interests, their evolution, and what makes them exciting to you. Tell us how you will utilize the academic programs in the College of Arts and Sciences to further explore your interests, intended major, or field of study.

For as long as I can remember I have been reading books; encyclopedias, novels, comics, as long as it were a book I would pick it up and read it. Every Christmas and every birthday I would ask for a book, and I oft found myself in the book section of every pharmacy I went to. It was almost like an obsession, not only did the promise of an exciting story or novel information send my heart racing, but the scent of freshly printed paper and ink, mixed with the cool crispness of the a/c sent me spiraling into heady ecstasy. Books were my drug and I was hooked. I knew of no one else who read as much as I did, I thirsted for knowledge and adventure as it were and books satisfied this thirst. This passion for reading helped me to become very adept at subjects such as English literature, English Language and it led me to choose History as one of my subjects to do in the 10th grade. It was around this time that I developed an interest in another subject, Mathematics.

I had never given much thought to math; it was my eternal rival as far as I was concerned. I was never terrible at it but I found it tedious. Why was I learning about things like Pythagoras' theorem?! Here I was wasting valuable reading time on a subject that I saw no use for after the necessities-addition, subtraction, division and multiplication. However, I was encouraged to do extra classes in the subject and it was there that my interest in math grew. I was skeptical for the first class because what he was teaching I already knew, but the teacher presented the subject to us in such a way that math felt like a fantasy adventure, the numbers were the characters and the signs had magical powers. It was like I was seeing everything for the first time and while he was coarse in his interaction with us he was animated and approachable when teaching math. He constantly told us that we had to 'appreciate the maths 'it was like math was a person to him. It was fascinating because whenever I came early to class I'd find him pouring himself over a math book; jealousy began to creep up on me, I wanted to have such a relationship with math as well. I began to pay more attention in my regular math classes and worked hard at the various practice questions I got from both the regular and extra classes.At the end of that academic year I came to like the challenge that math presented and I enjoyed the pleasure I felt at figuring out the answer to a difficult question and coming up with new ways to solve problems. I did not become a genius at math but I developed a passion for it and I had learned to 'appreciate the maths '.

At Cornell's College of Arts and Sciences I can enjoy my passion for math while quenching my thirst for knowledge. Cornell's top-notch liberal arts program will allow me to take classes in many different areas that interest me and will help me decide my major. The fact that I will not be limited to the classes offered in one college really appeals to me as I am always on a continuous quest for knowledge. Cornell's study abroad program will also provide me with valuable first-hand experience and knowledge of different cultures, economies, and environments that I can use to enrich my studies and research projects. I believe that Cornell's environment, the diversity of the student body and the beautiful campus, will provide me with the opportunity to learn not only from my professors but my peers as well and also with opportunities for self-reflection.
Do You Need
Writing
or Editing Help?
✖
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳