banjofood
Jan 4, 2012
Undergraduate / 'He was mobilized' - UNC ESSAY international [4]
Change stuff like "After that discovery, I made a decision to learn more about my family. " to "After that discovery, I decided to learn more about my family."
And try and combine some of your sentences. It seems like you're just listing a bunch of stuff about the story.
For example, change "This story is my latest discovery. It is the story of my hero, my role model, my great-granduncle. It helped me to understand the value of freedom and peaceful time. When I discovered it not a long time, I felt ashamed that I never heard of it before." to "When I discovered the story of my hero, my role model, my great-granduncle, it helped me understand the value of freedom and a peaceful time and I feel ashamed that I had never heard it before. "
Just change stuff like that.
Change stuff like "After that discovery, I made a decision to learn more about my family. " to "After that discovery, I decided to learn more about my family."
And try and combine some of your sentences. It seems like you're just listing a bunch of stuff about the story.
For example, change "This story is my latest discovery. It is the story of my hero, my role model, my great-granduncle. It helped me to understand the value of freedom and peaceful time. When I discovered it not a long time, I felt ashamed that I never heard of it before." to "When I discovered the story of my hero, my role model, my great-granduncle, it helped me understand the value of freedom and a peaceful time and I feel ashamed that I had never heard it before. "
Just change stuff like that.