Undergraduate / 'computer-oriented classes and courses' - Cornell : College of Engineering: [3]

Even I agree to this...Cutting down on the first and second paragraphs would work...Its not the best beginning for the answer to the question asked herein....but as I said before emphasise on Cornell and how you think its the best fit for you....

Undergraduate / Embracing the Liberal Arts, Diversity and Environment-Why Emory [2]

Para 1
Last year, my love of for numbers and problem solving was rivaled by a burgeoning interest in the humanities.

The essay looks fine to me...Just be aware that the notion of not having an exact focus on the subject that you want to take might work against you...since Mathematics and Humanities are poles apart...

best of luck....

Undergraduate / Common app short essay- acapella group "Einheit" [2]

"Einheit" which means "togetherness", or "united" in German is an acappella group that I participated as a president for the grouppresided over during the freshman year. While I sang in this ensemble, I amwasattracted by one idea which a cappella hasinspired by the idea originating from the cappella : staying in balance and harmony while each one keeps one's individual voice. Each partperson sang for their own key and rhythm, but the "a cappella" is finally completed when each everypart is combined for person combines their melodies, timings and rhythms into one performance. I love the collaboration of many people who hashave characteristic voices.

The other point I am got fascinated about iswas that we sang in German and with international students from Germany. There were pleasant moments to interact with people from different cultures and learn both their languages and customs through singing together. It seemed hard to reconcile people who have manifold voices, tones, personalities, and even nationalities. However singing as a "united" group, Einheit, we became one.

I have fixed the grammatical errors but to be honest with you the way you've put together the essay, it makes little sense...

just my two cents....

Graduate / SOP for MS. Renewable Energy and governmental initiatives in Sweden [5]

Malvika,

I think the final piece looks good and you've added certain really significant points in green....Infact the idea of mentioning research opportunities within the SOP is an old and tested one which is used by a lot of candidates in garnering scholarships as well...since these Universities look for students who'd stay on after their master's and pursue their Phd...looks good to me...

best of luck...

Chetan

Graduate / SOP for MS. Renewable Energy and governmental initiatives in Sweden [5]

Malvika,

Para 1

I am looking forward topursuingpursue my Masters in Sustainable Energy Engineering at KTH Royal Institute of Technology in Stokholm.

Para 2
In the same year, I won in a model exhibition contest conducted by the club for a working model of 'geothermal energy generation and utilization'.

I am convinced that industrial advancesadvancements can benefit environment and society only when they are combined with sustainable practices.

Para 3

I have undergoneundertaken a course in Information Technology at National Institute of Information Technology (NIIT) and am trained in ANSI C and Java.

I have aan interest in learning new languages and I am fluent in three Indian languages, Hindi, Telugu and my mother tongue Tamil.

Para 5

I am very impressed by Sweden'sgovernmentalSweden government's initiatives with regard to sustainable development.

Needless to say you are good with words and the entire piece looks fine. But I'd suggest the entire intent of an SOP is to show your keen interest towards the college you are applying, the country you'd be studying in and what draws you towards the subject. Also what do you have to offer to the field. Even though your SOP looks good I'd suggest try not talking a lot about Infy and your computer language skills...instead put more emphasis on what you think is good about the college or Univ in Sweden that you are applying to...how you can bring a difference to the course...eg suggesting that you'd form a memshership group or lead students in the Univ for new initiatives on Solar education...stuff like that...

just my two cents....

best of luck...

Undergraduate / 'to convince difficult clients to buy a product ' - one of your extracurricular [2]

The essay looks good but the only issue here is that you are not addressing the question completely. Even though you did mention what you did as an extracurricular activity but you've been justifying it why you practiced it throughout the essay(which is nowhere asked). I would suggest delete the justification part and add a few more extracurricular activities like participating in a play, teaching poor kids etc to strengthen your essay and address the question completely. I have modified the few grammatical errors though.

"When I finished secondary school my father had been suffering from a parasitic disease called filariasis and my mother had been unemployed for years. Hence, going to college was impossible for me.

Faced with this harsh reality, I asked a business owner for a job. My desire to overcome obstacles caught his attention and he hired me as a Sales Agent at his Telecom dealerdealership .

This job was a great learning experience. Having to convince difficult clients to buy a product helped me develop good persuasion and listening skills. Moreover, my passions for computers increased as I not only used them to create sales report, save clientsclient information but I also fixed them at times.

As the youngest employee, I distinguished myself by applying good work ethic, performing duties the best way I could, and learning from and cooperating with the most experienced peers.

I was profoundly touched when I saw how my paycheck of $75 US reduced my mother's pain from her everyday struggles to find food for the family."

hope this helps....

Scholarship / 'money management skills' - on gap in formal education [2]

Melanie,

I can clearly see that you are good with words and you have put together a decent piece above.But my problem with the essay above is that it doesn't have the best beginning. Half way through the first paragraph and I'm beginning to wonder how does this relate to the question proposed?.... Infact the second para seems to be a better beginning for your essay.The key to a Scholarship essay specifically when you have a limited window in terms of the number of words, is to be very precise about your intentions and clearly answer the question proposed without trying to be poetic(the first para here seems unnecessary).

I would suggest remove the first paragraph, start off the essay with the second para as it is and add another para before the last one adding a few more points on how you intent to address the gap in education.

hope this helps....

best of luck..

Chet