Writing Feedback / Without the benefit of planning, people are likely to make uninformed decisions [NEW]

Hi,

I have some sentences or expressions in my essay that I am not quite sure if they are right.
I did my research, but I am still not so sure if they are correct. I marked them in boldface.
I wonder if there are better ways of conveying what I am trying to say.
Can anyone go over them and tell me the right way to say things?

Thanks in advance!

Prompt: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
The decisions that people make quickly are always wrong.
Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

My response:

People nowadays seem to agree, to some degree, that quick decision making skills are vital for their success, as the world around them changes very quickly. They often argue that making decisions quickly enables them to capitalize on opportunities. However, a closer examination of their claims reveals that decisions made in a hurry often cause more problems than they solve: hasty decisions can cause unforeseen problems and decisions once made are irreversible.

Hasty decisions can cause numerous unforeseen problems in the future. Without the benefit of planning, people are more likely to make uninformed decisions. Their decisions may appear to be reasonable in terms of few years when, in reality, they may cause serious issues in the long-run. To be specific, our family suffered a huge financial loss precisely because of an uninformed decision made by my father. Ten years ago, when my parents were looking for an apartment, an employee from a well-established real-estate agency persuaded my dad to buy an apartment. The employee lured him into buying the apartment by offering exclusive deals, such as a twenty percent discount. He threatened my father that it will be sold to someone else if he does not hurry. As a result, he purchased the apartment immediately without consulting others. We all thought that he made the right decision until we tried to sell our apartment to move into a new house a decade later. We discovered that it's price took a nose dive shortly after purchasing it: it's price was almost halved in less than a year. As we can see, hasty decisions can cause numerous problems in the long-run.

Apart from numerous problems they can cause, hasty decisions are also irreversible once they are made. Decisions affect our lives permanently. In other words, wrong decisions can leave permanent scars on our lives. This is why decisions made in a hurry without careful planning can be harmful. In addition, it is almost impossible to undo our decisions once they are made. For example, my friend, Bill, bought a very expensive two-seater sports car, Lexus, out of his love for sports car in his late twenties. Little did he know that he would get married a year later and have a baby. As he was paying for his car in installments over five years, he could not afford to buy another car suitable for a family of three. His marriage was ruined for he and his wife would argue about his car all the time. His impulsive decision to buy a two-seater resulted in an undo-able nightmare. In this sense , decisions have to be made very carefully as they are irreversible.

To conclude, not only are hasty decisions harmful, but also they are irreversible. In this regard, I feel that it is always wrong to make decisions in a hurry. Hasty decisions will cause many people to waste their time and money. People should be careful not to make decisions too quickly.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: (more productive, energetic) EASIER FOOD PREPARATION IMPROVED PEOPLE'S LIVES [5]

Prompt:

Nowadays, food has become easier to prepare. Has this change improved the way people live?
Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

My Response:

Cooking their own food has always been a big problem for busy people. They often find themselves skipping meals, as they do not have time to prepare food. Fortunately, preparing food has become much easier nowadays. However, is this a change for the better? Personally, I believe that the ease of preparing food has positively impacted everyone's lives. This is because it makes everyone productive, energetic, and healthier.

First, the ease of food preparation increases people's productivity. People spend a lot of their time just preparing their food. The time spent on it adds up when we consider the fact that people need to prepare three meals a day. Easy food preparation frees up this otherwise wasted time, enabling people to devote their valuable time into productive activities. For example, when I was getting ready for college entrance exams in high school, I had difficulty managing my study time because I had to cook for myself, which took up a lot of my time. Fortunately, canned ingredients, prepackaged food, and three-minute stews provided me with a shortcut to good meals. This helped me prevent wasting my time doing irrelevant things to my studies.

Second, the ease of preparing food makes everyone energetic. Busy people often skip breakfast, because they do not have time. Easy food preparation means that food becomes readily available or accessible even to busy people, who would otherwise skip meals. For instance, I couldn't have breakfast when I was in college, as I had to commute every morning to my school, which was in another city. It took 2 hours to get to my school, and as a result I had to skip breakfast to get enough sleep. Skipping breakfast made me tired and unfocused. Had cooking been easier, I would have had breakfast every morning.

Third, easy food preparation helps people get healthier. Ordinary people, especially men, easily forget about balancing nutritional contents when cooking. A study conducted by ABC Department of Health has shown that staggering 77% of students who cook for themselves were on unbalanced diets. Easier food preparation can help address this problem. Many companies, such as Magic Kitchen, deliver prepackaged ingredients and food to homes. They are specially formulated to provide balanced diets. This can help people eat healthier. To illustrate, I suffer from diabetes, and preparing my own food is a daunting task. I used to feel ill because I forgot to check if my diet is balanced before cooking. However, thanks to Magic Kitchen, I feel much better. This is because it delivers to me diabetic meals designed to keep sugar-level low.

In conclusion, easier food preparation help a lot of people, as preparing food is a big problem for everyone. I believe that it has improved people's lives. Easier food preparation helps people be more productive, energetic, and healthier. People should appreciate how it made our lives better.

--------------------

I have a question.

Have I used too many personal examples in my essay that it rendered my essay too subjective?

I know that Independent TOEFL writing involves personal experience,

but the prompt seems to ask me to support my thesis with objective supports rather than subjective ones like examples from personal experience.

Is it a bad idea to give a lot of personal examples for prompts like this?

What do you think?

Thanks in advance!

Writing Feedback / 'Getting degree' - TOEFL: Reasons why people attend university [3]

Hi,

I wrote a TOEFL essay, and I have questions about my essay.

1. How well developed are my body paragraphs?

2. Did I include all the details or examples I need?

3. What parts of my essay do I need to improve?

Btw, can anyone rate this essay as per TOEFL scoring guideline?

I am curious to find out if anyone finds my essay compelling.

Thanks in advance! :)

Prompt:

People attend college or university for many different reasons (for examaple, new experiences, career preparation, increased knowledge). Why do you think people attend college or university? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

My Response:

People attend university to get a degree. But, is that the only reason why people attend university? In my view, it seems that there are many reasons other than just getting a degree. I believe that people attend university to build their connections, to prepare for their careers, and to pursue their passion.

First, people attend university to build their social connections. People often meet their friends at school. A lot of people tend to trust and value friends and people they meet at school rather than at work or at other places. This can encourage people to attend university to meet new people who can help them. To illustrate, I decided to go to ABC School of Journalism when I was in high school to build my connections in the field of journalism. This was because I had no background in journalism and lacked connections in the area. In the end, I got to know many people in the field, and this helped me land a job through my contacts.

Second, people go to university to prepare for their careers. Certain career paths, such as teaching, require a degree or a license. Because of this, people may have to attend university to follow certain career paths. In addition, many companies require their prospective employees to submit qualifications, such as a bachelor's degree, along with their resumes for job applications. According to a survey conducted by ABC Ministry of Labor, of five hundred companies, fifty percent required that applicants mail in their degrees. This shows that attending university may be a crucial part of career preparation.

Finally, people attend university to pursue their passion. People may want to continue pursuing what they are passionate about after finishing high school. Attending university can be a way they can take their passion to the next level. For example, my friend, John, was so fascinated with the computer in high school that he would spend hours programming. He decided that he needs to go to university and major in Computer Science. He was admitted, and he continued learning about programming at university.

In conclusion, receiving a degree is not the only reason why people decide to attend university. People have different reasons for it. I feel that people attend university to expand their social circles, to follow certain career paths, and to follow their hearts.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL ESSAY: Living with a roommate is better than Living alone [NEW]

Hi,

Could you guys hammer my essay, so I can find out what kind of problems I have and where I need to work more on?

Btw, I have a few questions.

*Shifts in Narration

I noticed that I was repeating too many 'you's in my essay.

1. Is it okay to use 'you' to explain things objectively?

I just can't figure out why I use too many 'you's when I explain things.

It feels as though it's following me everywhere.

I know that I both need to be objective and subjective depending on the flow of the essay,

but I just simply can't get 'you's out of my way. How can I get rid of them?

Is it because I am trying to sound too objective when I really need to be subjective?

May be that's the whole point of an essay..??! I am confused. Help!

e.g. It is always easier to socialize when you have a lot of people around you

2. Is it okay to shift my narration from I/my/me/etc to you?

e.g.
Living with a roommate saves me a lot of money. If you have roommates, you can split the rent and utilities among them. This means you can get more for less.

Thanks in advance!

Prompt:

Some single people like to live with a roommate, while others prefer to live alone. Which would you prefer?
Give specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

My essay:

Many single people have difficulties deciding whether to live with a roommate or to live alone. Each makes different decisions. Some people choose to live alone for privacy, while others choose to live with a roommate for practical reasons. As far as I am concerned, I prefer to live with a roommate. This is because it saves me money, enables me to socialize, and allows me to get help.

Living with a roommate saves me a lot of money. If you have roommates, you can split the rent and utilities among them. This means you can get more for less. For example, last year, I shared a room off-campus with my friend, and we decided to split the rent and heating bills into half: I was able to save about fifty dollars for heating, and two hundred dollars for rent monthly. I was able to save a lot of money by sharing wasted heating and rooms with my friend and splitting the bills.

Apart from saving a lot of money, living with a roommate also enables me to socialize more easily. It is always easier to socialize when you have a lot of people around you. You can invite your roommates' friends over to your room and have fun together. For instance, one night, my roommate, Millan, brought his friends along. Even though his friends and I were total strangers to each other, we quickly got to know each other. We soon found out that everyone loved playing video games. We played a video game called 'Halo' together all night, and became good friends. Living with a roommate made socializing much easier for me.

Finally, living with a roommate allows me to get help. It often is the case that your roommates have the skills or knowledge you need. When you run into a problem, you can ask your roommates if they can help. Some of them may have something to offer. To illustrate, when my computer mysteriously broke down, I dialed up the manufacturer and asked for help. They failed to give me any useful solutions. To my surprise, one of my roommates noticed my problems and offered to help. He was very good with computers, and he managed to fix the problem quickly.

In conclusion, while many people decide to live alone for various reasons, I prefer to live with a roommate, and I always will. This is because it offers me many advantages, such as less spending, more socializing, and more help. I think single people should live with a roommate, if they want to enjoy their lives.