jhundais
May 9, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS: There are many effective ways to motivate employees [4]
Let me point out where you are lacking and suggest few changes.
I'd say your essay is fair, but it suffers seriously from
1. Lack of topic development
The prompt asks you to include bothreasons and examples .
Topic: Paying more money is the only possible motivation to make employees work harder and to increase their productivity. Do you agree? Give reasons and include relevant examples.
You failed to include relevant examples. You may not realize it, but this is a serious problem.
This shows that you did not or failed to fully develop your arguments.
You can't get a good score unless you can come up with solid examples.
Go from general to specific.
In other words, premise -> supporting sentences, details, etc.... -> examples
Btw, I don't think it's a good idea to repeat too many hypothetical 'if's. It's not specific at all.
I think that is why you failed to develop your arguments.
2. Lack of proper topic sentences
You seriously need to find a way to formulate your topic sentences properly. Reformulate your TSs.
Let me point out where you are lacking and suggest few changes.
I'd say your essay is fair, but it suffers seriously from
1. Lack of topic development
The prompt asks you to include bothreasons and examples .
Topic: Paying more money is the only possible motivation to make employees work harder and to increase their productivity. Do you agree? Give reasons and include relevant examples.
You failed to include relevant examples. You may not realize it, but this is a serious problem.
This shows that you did not or failed to fully develop your arguments.
You can't get a good score unless you can come up with solid examples.
Go from general to specific.
In other words, premise -> supporting sentences, details, etc.... -> examples
Btw, I don't think it's a good idea to repeat too many hypothetical 'if's. It's not specific at all.
I think that is why you failed to develop your arguments.
2. Lack of proper topic sentences
You seriously need to find a way to formulate your topic sentences properly. Reformulate your TSs.