Undergraduate / 'I have dreamed about college' - Illinois State University application [6]

Just break each of the points into three different paragraphs instead of having it run-on,,, Im also applying to college this year.

Undergraduate / seeking knowledge and commitment to service are integral parts of the spelman experie [4]

Growing up in a small town in Georgia where people have very little education and the average income here is 20,000 dollars,is not the life i want my family or i to live. It is my aspiration to leave this proverty stricken town. So everyday i open up a book no matter if its an encyclopedia or Reader's Digest to obtain some knowledge. When i was a little girl my grandma would always tell me "Baby, you're gonna be somebody,even if i have to work my fingers to the bone." For all those years my grandma was my motivation to do well in school. But in 2007, my motivation died. I was twelve years old. That was when i started upon my path of destruction. When i became a freshman in 2009 i wasn't what you would call an exceptional student. That year i only made grades that would get me promoted to the next grade. I finally made a change when the guidance counselor, Mrs. Banks, called me into her office and had a really good talk with me. That talking to changed my mindset on school and what it took to accomplish my goals in life. The next year i enrolled into many challenging classes to help boost my GPA. That year my grade point average went from a 2.7 to a 3.2. In some ways i feel as if my grandma was speaking to me through Mrs.Banks.

Undergraduate / Mrs. Peneva- this kind, caring, extraordinary person - influential person [5]

Dont use so many redundant words like never ever,,,just simply say never and lose the coma,,,and ur story is actually pretty good

Graduate / SOP CS (Interactive Entertainment Technology Master) [2]

Use less contractions

Undergraduate / seeking knowledge and commitment to service are integral parts of the spelman experie [4]

Thanks