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Posts by flio191
Joined: Dec 30, 2008
Last Post: Feb 13, 2009
Threads: 2
Posts: 14  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 16
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flio191   
Feb 13, 2009
Undergraduate / MICA application: (Autobiographical Essay) [3]

Haha, thanks Kevin. Those are some good points, I know I tend not to explain a lot when there's a lot of ideas just stuck in my head -I don't know how to say things how I want to say them so I leave things out.

Awesome.
flio191   
Feb 13, 2009
Undergraduate / Common app Short Answer (cyber competition) [17]

Like the others, I like the ping pong one better, although Starcraft is indeed the superior sport. :D
Perhaps you want to work on how ping pong affected you rather than what it does, and what it is (like the whole spinning/rapidly moving part, you don't really need if you can describe how it makes you feel or what it has done for you)
flio191   
Feb 13, 2009
Undergraduate / MICA application: (Autobiographical Essay) [3]

This is my essay for this prompt: Write an autobiographical essay that tells us something about yourself that you feel is significant to your application and our perception of you. What would be your self-portrait?

Any peer review would be helpful! Thanks so much in advance.
:)

"You take with you what you leave behind." When I first heard this two-word paradox I didn't know what it meant, but it would become one of the most important lessons that I learned through my high school career. Through struggles and efforts to affect others, I had created a social niche for myself and developed the components that made me different from any other person.

The year of 1986: My parents came to America while my mother was still pregnant with me. Although they both had attended a special school for puppeteering and acting after high school, the school offered them no college degree. After finding some small financial luck in their careers, they brought their two daughters and I to America in hopes of a better social, political and educational system. But by the time I was of developing age I had slender fortune after having spent most of it on our house and my sister's college expenses, and had pushed me to become creative with my spare time.

My father the mime and actor, being a thrifty man, sold used clothes and more to Japanese resellers in his search to make a living in his new surroundings. In my travels with him to different thrift and consignment stores, I discovered tools of exploration and science from a young age. The list was mixed: K'nex, Lego's, Lincoln Logs, Capsela, Meccano, all forms of model construction toys where the only limit was the number of pieces you had and the number of thrift stores that had them. By spending weeks upon weeks in the middle of the room scattered with pieces, I learnt physics before I knew what it was. When there were not enough pieces in my sets (which was common), I took apart radios, remote controls, toy cars and everything else within my reach with no intention of putting them back together. My world was made of blocks and pieces where illustrators see lines, strokes, colors and graphic designers see objects, type, negative space. My visual space became meshed with my physical space irrevocably.

My mother the puppeteer, being a woman of learning and sociality, found me questioning society before I knew what society was. She taught me how to love and respect even when I could not see the love and respect in others. She said, "even the murderers, rapists and evil-doers have a reason for what they do -and most of the time it's not directly their fault. Hopelessness, social and physical conditions that those people are limited in, causes stress and people lose themselves." People are always inherently good; the lessons we share, our superego, our love is what keeps us from hurting each other. But if that balance of self is destroyed, through poor living conditions/situations, in effect, mental health is hurt and that person may lose their control. Through these lessons, she taught me to be thankful of the balance I had; I learned to love what was not immediately obvious of others; it granted me a power greater than Religion and by listening and sharing love with others, I found enlightenment.

Through my father, I learned to create and through my mother, I had a reason to create. Through friends, I found my audience and support; through adversaries and hardships I found creative and unique solutions to problems.

Looking back, I could have pursued a career in science, and perhaps I can still, but for two reasons. One was nature. There is an engulfing breeze about nature that left Science in the dust. And though I have studied Environmental Science at my school, there is a part of me that wants to allow nature to simply inspire -which was part of the reason I chose to study photography. I sought to capture that beauty, and to display the differences between society and nature.

The second reason was that I began to realize what science meant to much of today's society. It is used for good and evil, where if a company has enough power, it can choose to withhold information to the masses. For example the agricultural chemical company Monsanto genetically modifies seeds to yield unnatural amounts of output, and further monopolizes the agricultural market by producing seed specific chemicals, so that each seed has a specific chemical it needs to work with; Nothing more, nothing less. Instead of a path to knowledge, science suddenly becomes a tool against those who do not fully understand it. I sought more connection with people, and I found that art was just as powerful of a medium to express ideas and thoughts to the masses. For me, Art is something we can all feel, for it is about emotions, which we all have.

So I invested my time in photography, graphic design, furniture design through Gallery 37, a downtown program in Chicago that offers apprenticeships to willing teenagers. I invested my time, enthusiasm, and willingness to learn, and took back diverse ideas for design, composition, creative solutions, friends from every nook of the city, and precious memories.

Today I bring with me the same enthusiasm, ideas, motivation, and also the lessons I have learned through my life from investing time, sometimes money and faith into; I bring with me the encouragement and support for others that wants to be given; I bring with me my unique craftiness and ability to work with the things I have. This, so far, is how I have lived, and how I wish to pursue knowledge and creativity for the rest of my life.

_Hugh Sato
flio191   
Jan 2, 2009
Undergraduate / Illinois essay - "I have never 'discovered' nature" [8]

UIUC Illinois - Emerson, Nature, Art Essay (due today, just opinions?)

Critisism, Edits, Syntax suggestions, Diction suggestions...
or just Opinions will do.

Help please!!!
Thanks!
I separated the paragraphs more so you can read it better.
(*HINT HINT* ESSAYFORUM SHOULD GET A PARAGRAPH SPACING OPTION)

ESSAY #1: In an essay of 300 words or less, write about how your personal or academic interests relate to your intellectual or professional goals.

"Let us interrogate the great apparition, that shines so peacefully around us. Let us inquire, to what end is nature?" -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Nature has always been a guiding light for me. Granted, living in one of the most urban cities in the United States didn't make it easy but behind this forest of man-made furniture, I discovered pieces of nature through friends, community programs, and classes at school. Furthermore, the subject has allowed me to explore different career paths, interests, and meet new people. My school provided the catalyst for me with specialized and interdisciplinary programs that allowed subjects to be kept together as an instinctive facet of a learning community. This type of academia provided a base that steered me towards an interest especially for the arts and the natural sciences.

Ultimately, I found that the Environmental Sciences is what brings all of my interests together. It's about finding creative, even artistic, solutions to an ever-evolving world; using math and statistics to quantify expanding, contracting landscapes; using language to aptly communicate ideas, and convincing others to bring their ideas, skills, and tools to work together.

Nature is inherent to all the people on this planet, but we need to find ways to become native to the Earth again. Whether it be forests, farms, farm animals, or simply family, it is a subject everyone can talk about, and inevitably brings people together, discovering new pieces of what we call life. My endeavor is to help the world find its place not against nature, but alongside it. I wish to find my medium to light the path to discover and create change in post-secondary education.

ESSAY #2: In an essay of 300 words or less, choose one extracurricular activity, work experience or community service project from the list you provided on the application and explain why you initially chose it, why you continued with it, and how you benefited from it.

I stood before a great gateway when I first interviewed for Gallery 37, although I didn't know it then. Huddling my portfolio on a breezy Spring morning, I decided to go to Gallery as a testing ground for a new form of communication.

Since then, I have challenged myself to try photography, screen printing, graphic and even furniture design.

I kept coming back to Gallery every season for it provided great positive effect on my mental health. I became more able to focus on school, and my grades flourished for that reason. Furthermore, I made friends with students and teachers, which provided a network of inspiration and creativity. It was a "work experience" in that we were paid a small stipend at the end of the seasonal program, but for me, it was so much more than just a job.

Through the program, I learned about visual psychology, composition, and among other things, how to communicate visually, and physically. As a team, we created pieces for corporate companies looking for young talent in the city, and sold some of our work through the Gallery store. The program's ethics opened my eyes to the artistic world around me and I was able to appreciate my city that provided direct support and initiation to many underprivileged kids, so that we were able to discover a creative niche for ourselves.

Through Gallery, I learned that anything is possible if you look hard enough and become decisive enough to travel out of our comfort zone. I learned then that I wanted to create: not just art for the sake of art, but to show to others that there are people in every bit of society that create the community they live in.
flio191   
Jan 2, 2009
Undergraduate / Brown Short Essay "The Brown Phenomenon" [7]

play Tetris onin their science library.

Moderator said everything else I saw. It's a great story!
I hope you get in, it's such a great school.

//mind helping me?
flio191   
Jan 2, 2009
Undergraduate / UIUC essay 2 (Illuminati- the Physics Club) [6]

It's a good story, but might just need a little more clarification in the wording.

facade has a little bit of a negative connotation. facade in a figurative meaning means a way to conceal a less pleasant or credible reality. try... facet there? and in the next sentence use a more simple word like, piece, or part of my high school.

facade in a figurative meaning means a way to conceal a less pleasant or credible reality.

Rework?:

My participation in the club activities was solely limited to as amember who represented schools in various competitions.

But as I joinedsenior schooland became part... (whats that?)

Subsequently, when I was given the post, I learned how to manage funds and other resources. (I think the more simpler sentence works better)

The group bonding that I shared with my club members whether senior or junior was unique. (Both really similar words, use one?)

The group bonding that I shared with my club members whether senior or junior was unique.
(Your last sentence seems kindof... "ending" I think a better approach would be to say that this experience will never end because you plan on bringing this experience, these skills to the university, and you would like to continue studying Physics.)

good luck!

ps. would you mind looking at mine too? others are very welcome:
Illinois essay - "I have never 'discovered' nature"
flio191   
Jan 1, 2009
Undergraduate / My mother's Accident (My Growth Process) [4]

Great essay!
Imagery works,
sentence structure starts short, starts extending toward the end and is very powerful.
Great diction.

I don't know what the drunk driver at the end has to do with anything, but the metaphor makes sense, so maybe you can find a different metaphor that works in this situation?

good luck!
flio191   
Jan 1, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App essay ("my parents jumping up and down") [3]

Even though I had changed my wardrobe, I couldn't change my personality. My friends still thought I was awkward in conversations-every one of my attempts at being witty was met with deadpan stares. Even though I played basketball every day and joined the middle school and junior varsity teams, I was never really good at the sport. One day, one of my classmates asked me if I was going to wear the same outfit for another year. I realized that this image I had created was a lie; I never really changed my identity but only masked it with baggy jeans and an air of rebelliousness.

From here, I think if you integrate some of this into the first paragraph, then you don't need this paragraph at all. instead, work on developing how you learned, changed...

so from here: Looking at who I am today... to the end, you should expand on this more, showing them how your character changed, made friends, developed your stance in the school community, stuff like that.

otherwise, it's a good essay, it's very believable, and i like the stories. but you do need to simplify some stories, it does get a little messy in between. remember, you don't need to say everything: sometimes less is more.

good luck!
flio191   
Jan 1, 2009
Undergraduate / I'M A THUG-Common App Essay-My FIRST draft. [40]

No problem! Would you mind reading mine? It's really short.
It's called (or at least the moderators changed the title to) Illinois essay - "I have never 'discovered' nature"
flio191   
Jan 1, 2009
Undergraduate / Should I use this essay for my Commonapp? ("my horse stance") [4]

"Ah, don't listen to your instructor that guy's ridiculous, that visualization stuff is a load of crap."
Try a more:
I ignored the urges to fight back my teachers instructions...
or something more simple, and less of your own speech words?

It's good, I think more of it can be put on how it connects with how you learned, changed, and perhaps even a little about how it changed your school life?

good luck!
flio191   
Jan 1, 2009
Undergraduate / Common Application ("Growing up as an atheist") [7]

growing up as an athiest in a community of orthodox Mormons made it difficult not to feel excluded.

just try another word than "super-religious," it's a little "teen-speaky"

the essay is good!
mormons are crazy

good luck!
flio191   
Jan 1, 2009
Undergraduate / Illinois essay - "I have never 'discovered' nature" [8]

ESSAY #1:In an essay of 300 words or less, write about how your personal or academic interests relate to your intellectual or professional goals.

I don't think I've ever "discovered" nature. It has always been there guiding me, like a silent light behind a forest of manmade trees. Granted, living in one of the largest cities in the United States didn't make it easy, but by discovering new aspects of nature through friends, community programs, and classes at school, "nature" has allowed me to explore different career paths, interests, and meet new people. My school provided the catalyst for me with specialized and interdisciplinary programs in that allowed subjects to be kept together as a natural facet of a learning community. This type of academic community provided a base that steered me towards an interest especially for the arts (photography, graphic design, and material design) and the natural sciences (environmental studies, biology).

Ultimately, I found that the Environmental Sciences is what brings all of my interests together. It's about finding creative, even artistic, solutions to an ever-changing world; using math and statistics to quantify expanding, contracting landscapes, using language to aptly communicate ideas, and convincing others to bring their ideas, skills, and tools to work together. Nature is inherent to all the people on this planet. It is a subject everyone can talk about, and inevitably brings people together, discovering new pieces of what we call life. My endeavor for discovery and creative challenges has placed my personal and professional goals in studying urban planning and environmental studies.

any help would be appreciated!
thanks!
flio191   
Dec 31, 2008
Undergraduate / I'M A THUG-Common App Essay-My FIRST draft. [40]

The mask thing works, it makes sense where you're developing how you created a face for yourself by "radiating intelligence" then how you felt unsatisfied.

You could edit it this way:

It is true At first, it seemed I had been wearing a mask of "intelligence," but I soon realized it was not a mask, but a direction I had grown into. Moreover, It seemed that I never had the courage and motivation to explore the far-reaching boundaries of intelligence. The world of judgment proved to be as dangerous and conniving as I had predicted, but now I was a seasoned warrior of the land free to roam about as I wished. Lastly, I discovered the empowerment that I can receive from others, because without them, I would not be sitting here telling this story.

Take me with a grain of salt: this is definitely not my style of writing, but I would get rid of those "moreover" and "lastly" -because it takes away from a sense of definitiveness (it's the wordiness).

good luck!
flio191   
Dec 31, 2008
Undergraduate / What would you want your roommate to know about you? - oxymoron [6]

I don't think you need to direct any of it to "your roommate," simply because you need your language to speak to an admissions officer. Though I personally like the informal tone, and it would be great if you were actually talking to your roommate, I think this needs a little more direction in a more formal sense.

My "nerdiness" (not a word) is a trait for which I've become known among my class. I'm "that smart girl" who will help you on calculus homework or latin translations. Around school, however, everyone knows me as "that girl with the crazy clothes and wicked high shoes." I can't explain it, but I love science just as much as I love fashion.

If you can say more with less words (which you can!) you should. Like "finals1234" said, you should focus more on one or two traits, not fifteen. This way, your message will be a lot more clear.

Good luck! It's a great start!
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