Undergraduate / I was born to sell; Influential Person - Dad [9]

You need more variety in your sentence structures than what you have. Try to combine ideas such as, "My father strongly influences me due to his teachings on important values of life: family, integrity, ambition, and generosity.

Undergraduate / UPS (University of Puget) Supplement [4]

well, it seems a little corny with statements such as "The words that danced across the home page: participate, contribute, challenge, analyze, communicate, connect, and express yourself made me realize that these words describes the type of environment in which I want to experience my college life." Just try to be more personal and real.

Undergraduate / "Oh" - UVA (your fav word) [4]

nice idea and good description. The word you picked definitely has some flexibility, especially when you say it different ways.

Undergraduate / Stanford.. help your roommate get to know you. [7]

Well, I think use should use less of the subject "I". It starts to make me dizzy as I read this, especially with all the cheerfulness. I would address the question as though you were speaking to the roommate for the first time.

Undergraduate / 'I will succeed and thrive like no other' - Northwestern Statement [5]

This sounds like a commerical for the school. Nice job incorperating details about the school into the statement.