Please critique and comment. Thanks.
How did you first learn about University of Puget Sound?
Despite being a nationally ranked independent undergraduate liberal arts college, it took me awhile to discover the many unique aspects that the University of Puget Sound has to offer. When I first came across the University of Puget Sound through the internet, I was completely captivated by the contents on the web page. The introduction of the web page was what first captured my interest in the University of Puget Sound. The words that danced across the home page: participate, contribute, challenge, analyze, communicate, connect, and express yourself made me realize that these words describes the type of environment in which I want to experience my college life. Further probing through the web site, I discovered that the University of Puget Sound possesses the perfect combination of environment and academic programs for me to excel.
just a little thing i noticed. i don't think you need to say university of Puget Sound so many times. You can replace some like
The introduction of the web page was what first captured my interest in the University of Puget Sound.
to
The introduction of the web page was what first captured my interest.
well, it seems a little corny with statements such as "The words that danced across the home page: participate, contribute, challenge, analyze, communicate, connect, and express yourself made me realize that these words describes the type of environment in which I want to experience my college life." Just try to be more personal and real.
I agree with ZowZow. UPS (the University, not the company! :) ) Doesn't need to be said that much... They know who they are. It sort of looks like you are just trying to take up space.
