Undergraduate /
Help with making my common Apps essay concise and error-proof. [6]
I'm a junior in high school, and working on the common apps essay that i'll submit next year. I just want some feedback on whether my topic is good or not, and whether I have grammar and wording issues. I haven't come up with an effective conclusion either, so I'd appreciate it if someone would help me with that too.
____________________________________________________________ _____________
Ibrahim Yucel
Composition 3: Period 5/6
Mooney
January 10, 2009
Two years ago, I was the archetypal high school student; I studied just enough to get by with an A in most classes, and I showed enough affectation to get out of trouble when I needed to. When I look back at those days, I regret my general immaturity and laziness. However, my greatest moment of disappointment is the way I treated Mrs. Lott. She was the new honors chemistry teacher in my school, and therefore was somewhat inexperienced as an educator. My classmates and I quickly found out that we could get away with a lot in her class.
Frequently, we engaged in name calling, talking without taking turns, throwing objects across the room, and performing other immature acts typical of undisciplined middle school kids. During chemistry labs, my friends and I would often mix chemicals with no regard to safety guidelines imposed by our teacher. Probably the most distasteful act we carried out was spreading false rumors to other students about her incompetence; now the whole student body thought that she was a 'bad teacher.'
Nevertheless, I took the academic portion of the class seriously, and was one of the few that passed the course with a high A. Soon school was over and the refreshing season of summer had begun. I forgot all about my disrespect and contempt towards Mrs. Lott.
Over the summer, my father was teaching a formal course to post-college students on tele-communications. He invited me to attend one session and I reluctantly accepted. When I arrived that Monday afternoon, I observed that the other students were well dressed and all of them appeared to be prepared. "How can someone like me, who doesn't take education seriously, fit in with these students?" I asked myself. However, I quickly realized that this was not the case.
Before long, my father was ready to begin his lecture and courteously asked for silence. However, only a few seemed to heed his command. Many continued to chat amongst themselves; some checking emails on their laptops, while others were still loitering in the hall. After what seemed like five minutes of utter chaos, my father finally started to speak. Even then, some students decided not to listen to him. I was sitting next to one such student; he will be referred herein simply as 'Joe.'
Joe did not appear to pay attention at all during the lecture, and often made rude comments at my father. He seemed to be popular amongst the class and many of the other students applauded his childishness. Normally I would not mind at all, but his behavior towards my father bothered me. Soon enough, the first half of the seminar ended, and we were allowed to have a 5-minute break outside the classroom. When Joe was just out of earshot, he made many vulgar remarks about the teacher, particularly about his "inability to teach." Obviously, Joe did not know that I was the teacher's son; nevertheless, I did not want to challenge his remark.
After the break, disrespect and arrogance persisted. I was shocked and disgusted at the blatantly rude, yet surreptitious behavior of these students, most of whom were in their late 20's or early 30's. Moreover, I learned that most of them were graduates of prestigious universities such as Carnegie Mellon and Duke. They had no excuse to disrespect a teacher or anyone for that matter.
As the three-hour lecture continued, I had to endure Joe's belligerent, yet muffled mockery. What bothered me more was that many of the other students supported his acrimony. On the other hand, I thought that my father was enthusiastic and did a great job; his ardor for teaching was apparent in his lecture. Evidently, his students did not appreciate it. Their insolence did not seem to bother my father as he taught, but I knew that, deep down, he was very morose. As my father and I were driving back home, he asked me if I enjoyed his lecture. I said I did not want to answer.
However, the story does not end there. Over the next few days, I began to contemplate the experience. Joe and his peers did not necessarily have a reason to disrespect my father, but they did because they could; my father did not try to stop them so they presumed that their conduct was acceptable. The more I thought over the issue, the more I realized that Joe was almost an exact imitation of me.
My behavior towards Mrs. Lott was similar to Joe's behavior towards my father. Our immaturity was not met by discipline, so we both thought that it was acceptable. Mrs. Lott probably felt the same way as my father felt; they were both upset and disappointed at the behavior of their students. At once, I felt penitent for my shameful behavior. By observing Joe's childish behavior towards his teacher, I realized that I too was immature and disrespectful.
Gradually, I began to assess my flaws. I realized that peer pressure from other classmates was the main motive for my disrespect towards Mrs. Lott. In search of a personal solution to my problem, I began to read extensively on the subject, and decided to sign up for Tae-Kwon-Do, a martial art strictly based on discipline and respect. Additionally I read many articles that had helpful information on discipline and respect. By the time summer was over and the new school year started, I was a changed man.
I look up to many people for advice and encouragement. My family is definitely at the top of the list because I have been with them the longest. Some teachers and friends are also great role models; people that I look up to for support. However, 'Joe' was different; he was neither a positive leader nor a role model. He did not directly convince me to change, as a teacher or coach would have....
I will work on an effective conclusion over the next few weeks.
