Undergraduate / 'The only thing left was the future' - AN ASIAN GIRL GOING TO COLLEGE essay [4]

I'm glad they helped! Just make sure to have plenty of other people read it and give more advice. Different points of view can really give you an idea about what kind of image you give off.

Undergraduate / 'The only thing left was the future' - AN ASIAN GIRL GOING TO COLLEGE essay [4]

I thoroughly enjoyed reading your essay and the story you told. I come from the same place as you, and I can understand what you're going through. I also believe that you did a good job with not flaunting your ease of life or making it seem like a negative thing. With that said, there are some grammatical errors that give off a meaning different from what you intended. Here's my grammar markup:

I don't have a story about the tragedy of losing a parent, or being forced to support myself as a teenager. Instead, I have lived in the most stable and healthy environment that any teenager could possibly grow up in. My dad works a 9-5 job and my mom spends most of her time being a modern day housewife. My dad works to give me the Mac B ook that I'm typing this with, the brand name clothes that are a "must-have,"(I would cut this because it might give off an impression of "material needs," which might not be appealing, but always your choice) and of course the smart phone with the unlimited texting plan. I have lived in this suburban bubble for 17(spell out "seventeen") years, where the biggest issue I had was not having a license. So this past month when my dad was sued for the company that he had nurtured and grown for over twenty years this past month , the suburban bubble that I was so accustomed to suddenly disappeared("popped" might be more appropriate. Because...you know. Bubble? Popping...) .

As my dad explained to me that he had lost his company, I could not help but think, "What's going to happen to me?" I was selfish. However, coming from someone that has been sheltered her whole life;, it was a natural thought to have amidst the chaos that erupted inside the home that I have lived in for seventeen years(You've already said this. Perhaps "home that I once thought safe") . In those seventeen years, itIt was the first time that I saw my dad cry. He was, and still is, my family's rock.He has always been our protector, and our provider. Those tears did not just come from losing something that he had worked so hard to build, but they. They also came from places of regret, disappointment, and fear for the future.

After all the tears(grief or fear maybe?) subsided, the only thing that was(too wordy) left was the future- the one thing that we were all the most scared of because it was so uncertain. Most people at the age of 54 would crumble at the thought of starting fresh, but my dad saw this as an opportunity to do something better with his life. Now, my dad is moving on from the job that has supported an entire family of four and is moving to Korea to pursue other ventures and start a new chapter in his life. I never thought that I would have much in common with my dad, in terms of life goals. But this experience affected both of us. With college approaching next fall, starting a new beginning in my life seemed incredibly intimidating;, especially since I have been living in my little "suburban bubble" for all of my life. ButS eeing my dad starting over at an age where life seems like a routine, it gives me the courage to face college and my future straight on. I will be faced with new challenges and new successes;, and I am perfectly ready for this new beginning.

So, once again, good job! My philosophy on semi-colons is when in doubt, DON'T USE THEM. They are viscious things that you really won't need (the semi-colon and myself are enemies). Just remember that my markup is by no means the only thing you should consider, nor is it something you should consider at all if you disagree. It is your essay. Write it as yourself. All of my suggestions are just that, suggestions. Good luck with applications and remember that you're doing very well!

Undergraduate / Common App Essay- A Fictional Character (Hazel Lancaster) [2]

quote=karinaestrada16]Many times in life I found myself complaining or thinking that others had a much better life than I did. For a long time, I believed that happiness in life was associated with luck. I thoughtThinking that only some luckythe most fortunately inclined humans came to this world to enjoy it and the rest came to suffer. I was blinded bywith the idea that my dreams would always be just dreams because I was simply not born with any luck. The book The Fault in Our Stars by John Green helped me get ridrid me of this unwise idea. This book tells the story of Hazel Lancaster, a sixteen-year old who is a victim of cancer. She is not brave,or courageous, nor does she haveor has a positive perspective of life. On the opposite, Hazel lives in awith severe depression and it is clearly shownclear that her disease has consumed the majority of her happiness. In fact, her story does not have a happy ending; on the contrary, it leaves you filled with sadness"for once, there is no purely happily ever after" (or something of the sort) . This allowed me to see what it's like to live with an incurable disease and from a such a personal point of view of someone who is dying . Personally, I found so much of myself in Hazel to the point where I knew exactly what she was feeling, allowing me to understand her thoughts of desperation almost perfectly. The moment I closed the book, I realized something I had never thought of before. I discovered that I am one of the lucky ones. I am lucky simply for being alive. I found that unlike Hazel, I am beinghave been given the chance to live my life. So I asked myself, why do I sometimes feel like I am incapable of doing certain things? What stops me from dreaming and going after what I want? The Truth is, only my mind can stop me from doing these things I desire, but nothing else. I am not sickheld back like Hazel, which means I am able to get up every morning and do anything I want. I don't have major issues in my life that are holding me backkeeping me from living. Therefore, I told myself that I would not stop living, and I would overcome the negative thoughts that kept coming to me as obstacles. For people like me, a tomorrow is not guaranteed, but chances are that they will keep coming. On the other side, for people like Hazel, the "tomorrows" they get come to an end at an early age. There are so many young people dying every day and as they die, their dreams die with them. This book reminded me how lucky I am to not be one of them and that my dreams are achie vable. Hazel inspired me to go after what I want and not miss the chances that life is offering me. It isT thanks to this character that I changed my perception and view of life,.Now I feel more powerful and eager to chase my dreams than I ever did before.[/quote]

Undergraduate / 'Intelligent conversations, fervor for discovery..' Short answer for Brown University [10]

Your critique has been extremely helpful. After taking your advice into account, I've made a few changes. Tell me what you think!

A: At 9:00 Sunday morning, the Barnes & Noble coffee maker pumps out its first roast. Drew hands me a cardboard cup of coffee and flashes the charming smile he saves for all his 'regulars.' Stopping only to sprinkle in a bit of cinnamon, I take a seat in my corner and scan the room, feeling the utmost sense of comfort.

I recognize most of the people here, like Beth and Steve, the retired history teachers, Mark, the fedora clad grandfather, and Susan, the organist at the Methodist church downtown. None of the 'regulars' are of my own age, but this suits me just fine. These are people who have lived to tell a tale or two. They possess that passion and appreciation for old-fashioned ideals and classic themes that holds the most value to me. Those I surround myself with here at this bookstore are hidden jewels. We talk about whether James Joyce was really dreaming in Finnegan's Wake, the rising popularity of community gardens, research results from different psychology journals, and if Garrison Keillor will actually retire, ad infinitum.

Honestly, it doesn't matter what we're talking about. Every person here is so extremely enamored with a subject (or all subjects) that I always have stimulating discussions. That, I realize, is what I hope to continue: Deep conversations, fervor for discovery, and a curiosity in connections. Without a doubt, that is why I am so adamant to go to college, especially at Brown University. I will be surrounded by people my own age who share such an intrinsic motivation to soak up knowledge. The abundant opportunities at Brown for research in psychology, such as the summer research grants and the Royce Fellowship grants to design my own study, are unmatchable. At Brown, all the resources I need to have the life I love and thrive in with the regulars at Barnes & Noble are there and ripe for the picking.

I love my café community, but it's time to make my own stories.

Undergraduate / 'Intelligent conversations, fervor for discovery..' Short answer for Brown University [10]

Thank you all for you comments! I'm hoping to tweak the sentence structure a tad, but your critiques have definitely boosted my confidence.

Undergraduate / 'I am African' If I could Lend My Heart Words [4]

I think that this is both a beautifully written essay and a wonderful feeling that you were able to clearly communicate to me. The only thing I would change would be the very last sentence and just deleting the "an" so that it would read "I am African." (It keeps the continuity)

Other than that tiny error, I think that it has fantastic imagery and a great moral to it. Best of luck to you!

Grace