Amzad123
Oct 11, 2012
Writing Feedback / College Essay on Dads Heart Attack [2]
please help me improve the flow/wording and help me show but not tell
When my father's heart stopped, I did nothing. A courageous person would have taken action, but not me. I remained motionless while he was seconds away from dying. I was nine. As a child, I always tried to imagine myself as a hero, one who would gain praise and respect from everyone because of his brave acts. However in this situation I was far from a hero. I wanted to run away from that moment. I just wanted to disappear. Hundreds of thoughts raced to mind, but one particularly stood out. I thought "Is this really happening right now?" I couldn't help but feel weak and selfish.
I remember him hitting the wooden floor while gasping for air, the aspirin that lay within arm's reach and the cordless phone that was nearly a foot away. What I mostly remember is how I was unable to move as if there was an invisible wall holding me back. I was frustrated with myself for my lack of action on that day. My frustration caused my life to completely change.
"You're going to die from eating that," I told him. After the incident I found myself researching nutrition. I spent hours a day watching nutrition conventions online trying to find out everything I could about preventing disease and understanding how diet affected disease. I researched everything about heart attacks, and what I had to do if I saw someone having one. It was as if I was trying to compensate for my lack of action on that day. Little did I realize that my sudden interest in nutrition and health would lead me to choose my major, Pre-Med. However, I didn't expect this incident to limit my options for college.
"Are you applying out of state?" he asked. "No I can't", I replied. "Why not?" he asked. "Family comes first", I answered. I came to the conclusion, that if I went to a college that was not in New York, I would not be able to act if something were to happen to my father again. My frustration which was caused by the lack action that day, helped me realize what I truly valued, which was family. I knew that if an incident like that were to happen again, I would be better prepared.
please help me improve the flow/wording and help me show but not tell
Father's Heart Attack
When my father's heart stopped, I did nothing. A courageous person would have taken action, but not me. I remained motionless while he was seconds away from dying. I was nine. As a child, I always tried to imagine myself as a hero, one who would gain praise and respect from everyone because of his brave acts. However in this situation I was far from a hero. I wanted to run away from that moment. I just wanted to disappear. Hundreds of thoughts raced to mind, but one particularly stood out. I thought "Is this really happening right now?" I couldn't help but feel weak and selfish.
I remember him hitting the wooden floor while gasping for air, the aspirin that lay within arm's reach and the cordless phone that was nearly a foot away. What I mostly remember is how I was unable to move as if there was an invisible wall holding me back. I was frustrated with myself for my lack of action on that day. My frustration caused my life to completely change.
"You're going to die from eating that," I told him. After the incident I found myself researching nutrition. I spent hours a day watching nutrition conventions online trying to find out everything I could about preventing disease and understanding how diet affected disease. I researched everything about heart attacks, and what I had to do if I saw someone having one. It was as if I was trying to compensate for my lack of action on that day. Little did I realize that my sudden interest in nutrition and health would lead me to choose my major, Pre-Med. However, I didn't expect this incident to limit my options for college.
"Are you applying out of state?" he asked. "No I can't", I replied. "Why not?" he asked. "Family comes first", I answered. I came to the conclusion, that if I went to a college that was not in New York, I would not be able to act if something were to happen to my father again. My frustration which was caused by the lack action that day, helped me realize what I truly valued, which was family. I knew that if an incident like that were to happen again, I would be better prepared.
