Undergraduate / When I was in Hong Kong, I was a princess! / COMMON APP ESSAY [11]

At this point, grammar is not really important. My teacher will check that soon. I just hope you guys can give me comment based on the CONTENT of my essay. Please be as harsh as possible. Thank you!

There was silence in the car. My friend looked at me curiously. I looked her back but remain silent. My mother asked me to tell my friend what happened, why could not we go back to Hong Kong during summer. I opened my mouth and muted. I tried to say something, but nothing came out because even myself could not accept the fact that my mother had cancer.

When I was in Hong Kong, I was a princess, living in my munificent castle in my fancy world. My mother did everything for me; I had nothing to worry. I got whatever I wanted; I did not meet many adversities. Before I came to the United States, I was hoping for better life, getting into a good college, but reality was totally different from my dream. After the day I knew my mother had cancer, my world started to collapse. The castle in my imagination was reduced to rubbles. All those rubbles were resting on me, so heavy that I could not breathe. I looked at my mother's pallid face, the books on my desk, and the dishes in the sink. My mother's hair started to fall off and she looked sad everyday. I couldn't mange all the responsibilities and stresses, so I locked myself in the bathroom and cried.

That was the time when I heard the song "Stronger", which gave me hope and courage to stand up. I heard a little voice in me, telling me what doesn't kill me makes me stronger. I started to see a dim light in the darkness. I crawled out from the rubbles and realized they were made of immaturity and dependence. My mother was the buttress of my world; without her support, it could not stand by itself, and that was why it collapsed. After being protected for seventeen years, I wanted to take care of her. My mother had been striving hard for me; I wanted to be her candle to guide her through the distressing road of cancer.

In order not to make my mother worried about me, I took good care of myself and studied hard. I shared my everyday life with my mother and hugging her whenever I saw her, hoping my affection and care could give her strength to overcome cancer. Looking at her exhausted face every time after chemotherapy, I felt painful. But combing her newborn hair, I see hope. There is nothing to be afraid if we are going through it together.

All those moments I spent with my mother, made me love her more than I ever did. She is more than my mother; she is my best friend. I now look at my castle. It is not as fancy as the one before, but it is more rigid. It is made of new materials: endurance and bravery. I am not a princess anymore, but a builder. I can build the strongest castle in the world to protect myself and my loved one.

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Undergraduate / "Tiger Mother" - Common app essay - How to measure success? [2]

Can someone read my essay and give some comments on it? It's okay to criticize.
BUT PLEASE DON'T SIMPLY CORRECT THE GRAMMAR.
I know there will be tons of grammatical mistakes, but that's okay. I will give it to my teacher and they will help me to correct it. I just want to know what do you guys feel about my essay. Thank you :)

Tiger Mother-strict parents who only accept perfect academic result from their children, who need their children to be talented and successful in the future

"Mum, if we can go back in time, be one of those tiger mothers."
"Why?"
"Because I want to succeed in the future. If you forced me to work when I was small, I won't feel miserable when I see all those SAT vocabulary!"

"Christie, aren't you good right now?"
"Not good enough."
"Christie, I won't do this to you. You can do this to your children, but I won't do this to my own child."

"Fine! If I have a child, I will bring him to learn French and Spanish. I will bring him to Kumon so that he can do Math in his head..."

Affected by hurricane Sandy, my family and I had to move to my uncle's house. That was the first time I met a tiger mother in real life. "Finish all these exercise by tomorrow, Ryan." The mother said. I looked at that ten-year-old "little tiger" beside her and looked back to the thick books on the table. "You will be thankful for what your mother did." I thought.

On the next day, I found out what Ryan mainly did during the day: working. After finishing my homework, I went into my room, got my pajamas and readied to take a shower. When I passed by Ryan, I heard some "click" sounds from the computer. I looked at the monitor. It was a website that full of words. "That's weird. I remember he was on Youtube." After thirty minutes, I came out from the bathroom. I heard that "click" sounds again. I saw him changed the page immediately. I realized he was pretending to be doing homework.

"Ryan, what are you doing?"
"I'm doing my Spanish homework."
"I saw you was on youtube."
Silence.
"Do you love to do those exercise books that your mum gave you?"
"No."
"Do you want to play?"
"Yes."
"Do you like the way your mother treat you?"
"Not really."
At that moment, I wanted to give him a hug. I felt sad and guilty. Ryan was stressed. He was afraid that I would tell his mother that he was surfing the net instead of studying. Because of his mother, he cannot spend his childhood the way he wants and I always feel tiger mother approach is the correct way to raise a child.

What does success really mean to us? To make lots of money? To be famous? Maybe learning makes success but life should be something more than things include in textbooks.

Life is a journey for us to pursue happiness. Follow your heart! We do not have to be the best in order to be happy. If I can be a person that people respected, I will be happy. This is how I measure success-being the person that you want to be.

Undergraduate / 'write your future roommate a letter' Can someone give comments on my essay? [4]

This is an essay for Georgia Tech. I'm kinda worry about my essay. I wonder if it really matches with the topic, so can you guys give some opinions to me? Thank you!

Topic:You are about to write your future roommate a letter. Please provide the roommate with a personal story that will give him/her some insight into your personality.

Dear Roommate,

Hi! My name is Christie and I'm going to be your roommate for the coming year. I

can't tell you how excited I am to get a roommate. This will be my first boarding

experience, and I'm looking forward to it.

Unlike most of the students, I wasn't raised in the United States. Although I was

born here, my parents brought me back to Hong Kong when I was

three. Hong Kong is a crowded, busy city. People are always rushing through streets

and buildings. All of us are like the white rabbit in Alice in Wonderland, always

busy and never having enough time. Because of the lack of time, we learn to work

efficiently. Growing up in a city like that, I have become one of them, working till

late at night, not letting myself get rest unless everything is done.

As Hong Kong is small but with a huge population, competition between students

is big. What always pushes me to study is not homework or tests, but the

environment that I'm in. For example, I have been playing piano for about nine years, and am now

Grade eight (Grade ten is the highest level). Playing piano seems to be a special thing

in the United States, but not in Hong Kong. If you are going to a top-ranked

secondary school, at least half of your classmates can play the piano, and most of

them are Grade eight as well. If they can't play any musical instruments, they

would be good at sports. This was how competitive my classmates were:

smart and talented.

I worked hard in order to be competitive. I'm a self-motivated person. My parents

no longer had to worry about my studying after I went to secondary school. Unlike

what you might have heard before, although I was attending one of the top-ranked

secondary schools in Hong Kong, I didn't receive a

lot of homework or quizzes. What my teachers would usually do was give us a lot of

extra practices, but they were not mandatory. They gave us a choice whether to do

it, or not. I always did those extra practices because they are the only way for me to

achieve a higher score on my exams and stay competitive with my classmates. As our teachers are always busy, they would

usually upload the answers to our homework to the Internet so that we could check

the answers by ourselves. Of course I knew people who would just copy answers

from the Internet. I wasn't one of them because I didn't want to waste any chance to

practice what I had learned. This is especially true for my elective classes in Science,

which require a lot of practicing in order to master the skill.

Many people are critical of the educational system in Hong Kong, saying that this

is too much for a secondary school student; I don't agree with them. Everyone is

born with laziness. Who doesn't want to put down their books and have fun? But in

order to succeed, the first thing you have to do is to overcome your inertia. I have

heard a story about seagulls sitting on a dock. A seagull intends to fly away,

decides to do so, and talks with the other seagulls about how wonderful it is to fly.

But as long as the seagull is still sitting on the dock, there's no difference

between that seagull and the others. Actions speak louder than words. No matter

what dreams you have, until you start doing something to achieve your dream, you

are just the same as the others. This educational system is just trying to get

everybody moving, to help them to overcome their inertia and achieve their

dreams. What shaped me into who I am is this educational system, and I'm satisfied

with who I am.

As I have told you before, I went back to Hong Kong not long after I was born. I

have only been studying in the United States for a year up to now. My English is still

full of a Chinese accent, which I hope you won't mind in the future. I'm working hard

to improve my English. Although we may not be taking the same major and cannot always

help each other out academically, we can always encourage each other during studying. I believe

we can become good friends in the future.

Hong Kong is always described as the Pearl of the Orient because of its

beautiful night scenery. I hope both of us can also be the light of this world; shining

in the darkness, and making contributions to make our world a better place.

Best wishes,
Christie Shea