FutureScholar
Oct 28, 2012
FutureScholar
Oct 27, 2012
Undergraduate / Short Response: Working at Chick-fil-a [4]
Please help revise this. It is much appreciated :-)
6. Employment. List and describe each job you've had, including dates of employment, job titles and hours worked each week.
I am extremely thankful for the impact Chick-fil-a has in my life. It all started in February of 2012, when I received a phone call. To my utter delight, Bob, the operator of my local Chick-fil-a, called and informed me that I got the job! Since then, I have been currently working from fifteen to twenty hours each week, which consists of hand-breading filets, cooking fries, and making delicious Chick-fil-a sandwiches. Until recently, I was only a Chick-fil-a crew member, but now I am a crew trainer. This means I train new co-workers how to work efficiently and productively in a quick service restaurant. Chick-fil-a has taught me the essentials of working cooperatively in a high stress environment, handling personal finances, and being punctual. Working at Chick-fil-a helps me understand and appreciate the true value of the dollar in a struggling economy. I am blessed to have the opportunity to work at this wonderful restaurant.
Please help revise this. It is much appreciated :-)
6. Employment. List and describe each job you've had, including dates of employment, job titles and hours worked each week.
I am extremely thankful for the impact Chick-fil-a has in my life. It all started in February of 2012, when I received a phone call. To my utter delight, Bob, the operator of my local Chick-fil-a, called and informed me that I got the job! Since then, I have been currently working from fifteen to twenty hours each week, which consists of hand-breading filets, cooking fries, and making delicious Chick-fil-a sandwiches. Until recently, I was only a Chick-fil-a crew member, but now I am a crew trainer. This means I train new co-workers how to work efficiently and productively in a quick service restaurant. Chick-fil-a has taught me the essentials of working cooperatively in a high stress environment, handling personal finances, and being punctual. Working at Chick-fil-a helps me understand and appreciate the true value of the dollar in a struggling economy. I am blessed to have the opportunity to work at this wonderful restaurant.
FutureScholar
Oct 27, 2012
Undergraduate / UF essay - "My Italian Blood" [3]
All right. Your essay is nice, but needs some revising. What to do: Change the sentences with the (BLUE) font. I made corrections/changes in the (RED) font. This represents that I plainly took out a word or punctuation: ( ) I enjoyed the edit made by SyntaxVoidThreads; therefore, I will keep it.
(Things can get a bit crazy when you are growing up in an Italian family, especially at hectic dinners with everyone crowding over the kitchen stove preparing lasagna, meatballs and homemade sauce.) This might not sound enjoyable for some people, but I love it. I fully embrace my Italian heritage everyday and I am proud of it.
My grandmother, whom I refer to as Nonna, came to America from Italy at the age of 16. She traveled on a ship across the Atlantic Ocean for 14 days seeking the American dream. Through this journey she didn't have a single family member or relative to accompany her. In hopes of escaping her homeland which had been neglected by the attacks of World War (II) , the image of America became her sanctuary. Once in America she was (placed) into a boarding home with other girls her age in New York. My Nonna was a very smart student coming from Italy(,) but she had a hard time understanding her teachers and classmates because of the language barrier(.)therefore she had to drop out of school and find a job in order to support herself. (make this into a new sentence) Suddenly(,) the American dream was lost. Over the years(,) my Nonna (developed) into a very independent and strong woman raising my mother and two aunts as a single mother with two jobs. (make this into a new sentence) Although my Nonna's dream of an education had been lost(,) she always supported me in everything I did.
Like my Nonna, both of my parents entered the work force at young ages and unfortunately neither of them were able to attend college. I will be the first person to attend college in my family(,) and (this) gives me an even better reason to become a Gator. For the past thirteen years I have worked extremely hard knowing that one day I will be appling to college in the hope( ) of living the dream that my Nonna, mother, and father could not. My family has always pushed me harder to strive in my education. As a student at your college I will be an asset to your institution and do my best every day to make you proud as I would want to make my own family proud (ClichĂŠ). I hope that you will consider me as an appropriate candidate to attend your school in the near future.
Please review my corrections and see if you like them. You also need to find synonyms for some of your words. It is always preferred to start and end a sentence with a noun. Try not to use the same sentence structure(mix it up a bit). Good Luck!
All right. Your essay is nice, but needs some revising. What to do: Change the sentences with the (BLUE) font. I made corrections/changes in the (RED) font. This represents that I plainly took out a word or punctuation: ( ) I enjoyed the edit made by SyntaxVoidThreads; therefore, I will keep it.
(Things can get a bit crazy when you are growing up in an Italian family, especially at hectic dinners with everyone crowding over the kitchen stove preparing lasagna, meatballs and homemade sauce.) This might not sound enjoyable for some people, but I love it. I fully embrace my Italian heritage everyday and I am proud of it.
My grandmother, whom I refer to as Nonna, came to America from Italy at the age of 16. She traveled on a ship across the Atlantic Ocean for 14 days seeking the American dream. Through this journey she didn't have a single family member or relative to accompany her. In hopes of escaping her homeland which had been neglected by the attacks of World War (II) , the image of America became her sanctuary. Once in America she was (placed) into a boarding home with other girls her age in New York. My Nonna was a very smart student coming from Italy(,) but she had a hard time understanding her teachers and classmates because of the language barrier(.)therefore she had to drop out of school and find a job in order to support herself. (make this into a new sentence) Suddenly(,) the American dream was lost. Over the years(,) my Nonna (developed) into a very independent and strong woman raising my mother and two aunts as a single mother with two jobs. (make this into a new sentence) Although my Nonna's dream of an education had been lost(,) she always supported me in everything I did.
Like my Nonna, both of my parents entered the work force at young ages and unfortunately neither of them were able to attend college. I will be the first person to attend college in my family(,) and (this) gives me an even better reason to become a Gator. For the past thirteen years I have worked extremely hard knowing that one day I will be appling to college in the hope( ) of living the dream that my Nonna, mother, and father could not. My family has always pushed me harder to strive in my education. As a student at your college I will be an asset to your institution and do my best every day to make you proud as I would want to make my own family proud (ClichĂŠ). I hope that you will consider me as an appropriate candidate to attend your school in the near future.
Please review my corrections and see if you like them. You also need to find synonyms for some of your words. It is always preferred to start and end a sentence with a noun. Try not to use the same sentence structure(mix it up a bit). Good Luck!
FutureScholar
Oct 27, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Going through high school' - UF Admissions Event Essay [5]
All right. Your essay is extremely wordy. What to do: Change the sentences with the (BLUE) font. I made corrections/changes in the (RED) font. This represents that I plainly took out a word or punctuation: ( )
"The best four years of your life(,) " a quote often overused when describing what is to be (Wordy) anticipated in high school . I've found that it (Pronoun Reference) may not be the best, but it's certainly the busiest. I have never been one of those students who can get good grades without studying(;) I've spent endless hours re-reading chapters and making flashcards in order to succeed. For every grade I (received) , I've worked for it. This of course became increasingly harder as I (challenged) myself by juggling a larger number of AP classes (and) developing a broader curiosity for learning (each year) .
Joining (the) color guard team freshman year ( ) seemed like an excellent opportunity to get involved (and) meet ( ) new people ( ) . I was in for a treat; we (practiced) about ten hours a week, (including) football games every Friday, and band competitions that (lasted) from early morning until late at night. I was in a constant battle between utter exhaustion and meeting the high demands of my teachers. The best feeling(; however,) was ( ) managing to have a four hour practice and acing my tests the (following) day.
Just when I thought that life couldn't be any busier ( ) my junior year (,) I got a job (.)in hopes of getting a small taste of the "real world" before having to blindly step into it. (make this into a new sentence) Every day that I wasn't practicing or even sometimes after practice, I was making smoothies (State you employer. Ex: McDonald's) like there was nothing else I needed to do -which was quite the opposite- eventually I began to thrive at work and loved the idea that hard work could get you anywhere (This sentence is extremely wordy) . Eventually I was promoted to a manager position at my job (,) and I was even happier with my success (.)although then I began to have even less time than before. (make this into a new sentence)
High school was such a meaningful event because it pushed me farther than (ever) before (ClichĂŠ) . Going through high school the way I did - experiencing and dealing with these situations- will (allows) me to thrive at the University of Florida, not only just in academics, but in anything else I wish to do. Although a lot will be required of me, my experiences in high school have prepared me for any situation that might be thrown at me(,) and I'll be able to represent UF in the best possible way.
Please review my corrections and see if you would like them. You also need to find synonyms for most of your words. It is always preferred to start and end a sentence with a noun. Try not to use (-) so much. Good Luck!
All right. Your essay is extremely wordy. What to do: Change the sentences with the (BLUE) font. I made corrections/changes in the (RED) font. This represents that I plainly took out a word or punctuation: ( )
"The best four years of your life(,) " a quote often overused when describing what is to be (Wordy) anticipated in high school . I've found that it (Pronoun Reference) may not be the best, but it's certainly the busiest. I have never been one of those students who can get good grades without studying(;) I've spent endless hours re-reading chapters and making flashcards in order to succeed. For every grade I (received) , I've worked for it. This of course became increasingly harder as I (challenged) myself by juggling a larger number of AP classes (and) developing a broader curiosity for learning (each year) .
Joining (the) color guard team freshman year ( ) seemed like an excellent opportunity to get involved (and) meet ( ) new people ( ) . I was in for a treat; we (practiced) about ten hours a week, (including) football games every Friday, and band competitions that (lasted) from early morning until late at night. I was in a constant battle between utter exhaustion and meeting the high demands of my teachers. The best feeling(; however,) was ( ) managing to have a four hour practice and acing my tests the (following) day.
Just when I thought that life couldn't be any busier ( ) my junior year (,) I got a job (.)in hopes of getting a small taste of the "real world" before having to blindly step into it. (make this into a new sentence) Every day that I wasn't practicing or even sometimes after practice, I was making smoothies (State you employer. Ex: McDonald's) like there was nothing else I needed to do -which was quite the opposite- eventually I began to thrive at work and loved the idea that hard work could get you anywhere (This sentence is extremely wordy) . Eventually I was promoted to a manager position at my job (,) and I was even happier with my success (.)although then I began to have even less time than before. (make this into a new sentence)
High school was such a meaningful event because it pushed me farther than (ever) before (ClichĂŠ) . Going through high school the way I did - experiencing and dealing with these situations- will (allows) me to thrive at the University of Florida, not only just in academics, but in anything else I wish to do. Although a lot will be required of me, my experiences in high school have prepared me for any situation that might be thrown at me(,) and I'll be able to represent UF in the best possible way.
Please review my corrections and see if you would like them. You also need to find synonyms for most of your words. It is always preferred to start and end a sentence with a noun. Try not to use (-) so much. Good Luck!
FutureScholar
Oct 27, 2012
Undergraduate / UF Essay- "Citizen of the World" [3]
Hello. I've been working on this college essay, and I would love to get some recommendations from peers. Any constructive criticism will be wonderful. Please let me know what your view on this essay is and how I can enhance it. Thank you so much!
Essay Topic
In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.
Not everyone wakes up at 5 a.m. to the sound of a bugle, canoes thirty miles down the Suwannee River or even hikes eighty miles on the Appalachian Trail, but in Troop 38, that's what we do! From the sweat and dirt to the early Sunday wake up calls, there is nothing else I would wish for. Scouting has taught me so much, not just as a participant, but as a student and as a citizen of the world.
My first year of scouting was different because the majority of my friends decided to leave the program. This obstacle however, did not sway my ambition to become an Eagle Scout. I persevered through the challenging activities. My patrol practically tried every activity imaginable. We traveled to Fort Benning (a U.S. army base), visited an air show in Titusville, and even white water rafted down a class four rapid in North Carolina. These experiences, as awesome as they were, stand incomparable to the most memorable experience in my life: my Eagle Scout Project.
On January 12, 2010, a devastating earthquake struck the lives of thousands of Haitians. Many were killed; others torn from their homes, with most losing one of life's necessities: shelter. I felt the call to assist the citizens of Haiti by collecting new and slightly used four-to-six man tents through donations from my community and local parishes. The first hurdle that I overcame was the process of delivery. Luckily, I located Harvest Time International, a non-profit organization, to deliver the donations. After one month of collecting donations, I asked my troop to help mend and clean the used tents. On May 29, my family, fourteen fellow scouts, and some close friends waterproofed and cleaned all the tents. On June 24, 2010, sixty five tents and twenty five tarps arrived at Haiti from my scouting troop in Altamonte Springs. It is a wonderful feeling to know that I personally made a difference in other people's lives. This experience made me appreciate all that I have been given. This project earned me the rank of Eagle Scout, and I am grateful to have had the opportunity to alleviate the tragedy of a disaster.
Boy Scouts has taught me a multitude of life skills: how to take care of myself, how to work as a team, and, of course, how to be the creative agent of change. It taught me that if I set a goal and work hard, I can achieve it. Whether it is finishing an Eagle Scout project, or getting an "A" in a class, I know that if I work hard, I will succeed. Sure there may be some obstacles in the way, but I know that they will be things that I just have to overcome. I have learned, and I'm still learning, how to live as a citizen of the world.
Hello. I've been working on this college essay, and I would love to get some recommendations from peers. Any constructive criticism will be wonderful. Please let me know what your view on this essay is and how I can enhance it. Thank you so much!
Essay Topic
In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.
Not everyone wakes up at 5 a.m. to the sound of a bugle, canoes thirty miles down the Suwannee River or even hikes eighty miles on the Appalachian Trail, but in Troop 38, that's what we do! From the sweat and dirt to the early Sunday wake up calls, there is nothing else I would wish for. Scouting has taught me so much, not just as a participant, but as a student and as a citizen of the world.
My first year of scouting was different because the majority of my friends decided to leave the program. This obstacle however, did not sway my ambition to become an Eagle Scout. I persevered through the challenging activities. My patrol practically tried every activity imaginable. We traveled to Fort Benning (a U.S. army base), visited an air show in Titusville, and even white water rafted down a class four rapid in North Carolina. These experiences, as awesome as they were, stand incomparable to the most memorable experience in my life: my Eagle Scout Project.
On January 12, 2010, a devastating earthquake struck the lives of thousands of Haitians. Many were killed; others torn from their homes, with most losing one of life's necessities: shelter. I felt the call to assist the citizens of Haiti by collecting new and slightly used four-to-six man tents through donations from my community and local parishes. The first hurdle that I overcame was the process of delivery. Luckily, I located Harvest Time International, a non-profit organization, to deliver the donations. After one month of collecting donations, I asked my troop to help mend and clean the used tents. On May 29, my family, fourteen fellow scouts, and some close friends waterproofed and cleaned all the tents. On June 24, 2010, sixty five tents and twenty five tarps arrived at Haiti from my scouting troop in Altamonte Springs. It is a wonderful feeling to know that I personally made a difference in other people's lives. This experience made me appreciate all that I have been given. This project earned me the rank of Eagle Scout, and I am grateful to have had the opportunity to alleviate the tragedy of a disaster.
Boy Scouts has taught me a multitude of life skills: how to take care of myself, how to work as a team, and, of course, how to be the creative agent of change. It taught me that if I set a goal and work hard, I can achieve it. Whether it is finishing an Eagle Scout project, or getting an "A" in a class, I know that if I work hard, I will succeed. Sure there may be some obstacles in the way, but I know that they will be things that I just have to overcome. I have learned, and I'm still learning, how to live as a citizen of the world.
