Posts by KristenK

KristenK

Oct 27, 2012

Undergraduate / Extracurricular -"This field is a canvas. Let's paint something beautiful today" [3]

I am restrict to 1,000 characters, & this is exactly 1,000!
If people could offer their criticism and critiques rather than praise, it would be greatly appreciated!

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).

"As our team huddled at center turf prior to the whistle, Coach reminded us why we stood on that turf. "This field is a canvas. Let's paint something beautiful today." My brush dabbed the portrait in second grade as I joined my brother's soccer team, the sole girl. My hand shook as I strained to daub my first print, yet once I was named captain of the all-boys club my inner-artist blossomed; I haven't stopped painting my picture on the field since. Trap, settle, dribble, see who is open: It's all about problem-solving and quick-decision making. Soccer opened my eyes, not only to see the image of the entire field and all my options, but also to see the importance of trusting others as much as myself. I learned to defend, divide and conquer, while sporting an encouraging attitude throughout, despite the end result. Strength does not derive from shin pads, but from the driving force within them. This canvas expands beyond the grass-Soccer has guided me to illustrating the rest of my life."

Thank you for your time:)

KristenK

Oct 27, 2012

Undergraduate / The Connection of Learning - FSU Essay [2]

Judging by the first sentence, I can already tell you're a good writer:) I'll do as much correcting/criticing as I can, however I'm sure even if you submit this it would be suitable!

The mind is a voracious entity (delete:which wishes)which desires to absorb as much information as possible, coalescing into knowledge through the process of learning. As a child, my life revolved around this cold definition, and I was unable to understand its faults. Despite being a "gifted" student, I cared more about grades than learning, and became a recluse to ensure scholastic success. I believed the only friends I needed were pencils and paper, and that my life's only purpose was to obtain A's. However, it wasn't until adolescence that I understood the (delete: wonderful; unneeded adjective) attractiveness of learning.

Ironically, my love of learning didn't (delete: come)arise from a textbook, but a body of rosewood. When my father bought me my first guitar, I didn't understand the purpose of the instrument. Yet, from the moment I first strummed a chord, I became addicted and sought to learn how to make this beauty sing. It was no easy task, but after years of arduous play my guitar became my second voice <I love that! . My fingers weaved elegant melodies along the metallic frets and my ears bathed within the music which swam in my mind <<Awesome metaphor . It was my Heaven and my lifeline. Through my musical education, I connected with fellow musicians whom became my new friends. By learning the guitar, I was released from the chains of loneliness into the bonds of solidarity. Through this experience, I made a realization: learning is a web which connects us between our fellow humans. This revelation inspired my journey into true enlightenment.

This next paragraph is disconnected from the rest of the essay. Have a connecting sentence, such as: "Not only did my knowledge guide me through chords, but also through my education at the Health Science Academy at Coral Reef High" Poised to use knowledge as a bridge to connect with others, I entered the Health Science Academy at Coral Reef Senior High. I delved deeply into this new realm, learning not only about human anatomy and physiology, but how to perform the duties of a First Responder and CPR. I have become enraptured by the field of medicine, not only by neural action potentials and the lobes of the brain, but by the fact that I have the potential to save someone's life through my hands and my mind. By exploring the medical field, I have realized knowledge is not only a bridge, but a tool to help others as well. Knowledge relieved me of my loneliness, and thus I want to use my knowledge to relieve others of their pain. It is this desire that inspires me to pursue medicine and my goal of becoming a neurologist. To me, there is no greater duty.

Learning truly is a peculiar process. For years, I have been learning in order to build myself up, yet in the end my knowledge will go towards helping others. This is the true attractiveness of learning: the power to help oneself connect with and help others. Florida State University is not a mere repository for grade grubbers, but an opportunity for me to reach this true pinnacle of life. It would be a privilege to be accepted to FSU and to be given the opportunity to join a community which holds education to this highest regard.

NOTES:
1. Loved all your symbolism/metaphors
2. Be careful of how many times you use the word "learn/learning"; perhaps google some synonyms and it will add to your already expansive vocabulary

3. This essay makes me want to edit mine...A lot.

Hope I helped:) If you could give me feedback on my Common App essay as well, I would GREATLY appreciate it. Thank you!

KristenK

Oct 27, 2012

Undergraduate / Circuses, resorts. Boycott Animal Performances [2]

I bolded the things I changed in your essay! (I am an AP English student with a 35 in english on the ACT, so I know my stuff a little bit:) )

A one-week holiday arrived again with Hari Raya Aidilfitri. For the citizens (delete: who live) in Negeri Sembilan, A'famosa Resort was undeniably one of the go-to resorts for the non-Malays who did not 'balik kampung' (< balik kampung? Someone who doesn't know what that is would probably be confused...I am) or truly celebrate the Aidilfitri celebration. Being created by the (delete: almighty,) merciful and gracious Lord, humans are designed to love other creations by the Almighty. (delete: So, do you love animals? NOTE: never use second-person in a formal essay!)(delete: Yes, I believe that every believer does.)Because of this, I believe that those of true faith love all animals. And that's why the visitors did not hesitate to purchase the tickets for the entrance to A'famosa Resort ï to watch the performances put up by the lovely animals. While enjoying the animal performance with your dear family, do you ever think of what are behind the scenes of these agile and skillful animals playing with fire and the friendly trainers feeding the animals when they did a great job?

-Things I noticed throughout the entire essay:
--I loved your use of faith in the essay. Clearly it's something of importance to you, which is great to express in any sort of writing. We do our best writing on topics we're passionate about!

--Repetition of simple words
--Use of weak adjectives/verbs (big, laughed, smiled, walked)
--Weak & uncessary descriptions (wonderful, "and cheer")
--NEVER use "you" in a formal essay; Reword to be third or first person
--Don't begin the last paragraph with "So"; just delete it.

Best of luck to you and please return feedback on my thread on my Common App! Thank you!!

KristenK

Oct 27, 2012

Undergraduate / 'He Spoke' - Common App Essay, symbolism with the hair? [3]

This is my Common App essay. Does anyone see the symbolism with the hair? Does this portray my outgoing, hard-working, respecting personality? Be honest!! Thank you all for looking over this :) I'm applying to 8 schools by November 1st--Your help with be GREATLY appreciated! The topic is: "Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you"

Title: He Spoke

"May I speak with your manager please?" The man behind the counter appeared thirtyish, his full figure daubed in soot and white button-down speckled in sauce. Offering a handshake, he replied,

"You're talking to him. I'm Rich-you must be Kristen. Follow me please." I slapped on a smile, the aroma of fresh-baked pizza tantalizing me. My incentive was employment: a simple summer career to impress my peers and earn dough to waste on drive-in movies and Chipotle. With each step, my itch to kick off my high heels progressed.

Showing me outside, Rich motioned me toward the curb of the pavement. We sat and he initiated his lecture on the antiquity of his restaurant, its undertakings, and why his parlor baked the most astonishing pizza ever. I incessantly reacted as though I was captivated with Rich's every syllable. However, my concentration fixated on the breeze that constantly jostled my hair into my face-bothered, I slicked it into a ponytail.

"Now, just listen." Rich re-claimed my attention. "You can live in Beverly Hills, raise the most handsome children. You can have a Ferrari and lead weekly tea gatherings. However, do these elegances necessarily mean happiness?" The wind unrelentingly shoved my curls around, and I noiselessly pressed it to end its ribbing. Pausing, Rich questioned, "Kristen, are you happy?" My automated response kicked in with the conventional nod and grin. "You're happy with the life you lead?"

"Yes, sir." My conscience conjectured his motives-these were not the type of demands I had rehearsed to answer. Not satisfied with either response, Rich continued to probe,

"Kristen, if you want this job, you need to answer one question. Ignore everything your teachers told you to say. Disregard what your parents expect you to state. Kristen, who are you?"

My thoughts slammed on the brakes; who am I? A voiceless minute passed. Autumn's breath whistled in my ear and sustained to play with my hair. As remembrances flashed I recognized there was so much-so much to reflect. Emotions swerved, making a head-on collision with reality. I couldn't comprehend how a man I had just met made me meditate so deeply and doubt the track I followed. Then, in my quiet, God spoke for me.

"Who am I?" Rich's gaze expressed his patience. "I'm the girl everyone looks to be peppy and good-humored constantly. I try too hard at everything for reasons unknown. I live up to other people's expectations because I don't know what would happen if I didn't. I don't know what I want. There's a box I'm trapped inside of, hiding me. But I want out. I want out of my textbook life. I crave unpredicted troubles and blessings thrown at me, to free myself of these standards. Actuality is begging me to join her and live. I want to find myself."

God pushed his winds at me again and reality endorsed me. I pulled out my ponytail, and finally let my hair flow free.