Undergraduate / "The CALL": Carnegie Mellon supplement: why CMU? ANY critiques? >:D [3]

Hi! :)Any harsh critiques are welcome! Since Im not a native speaker, it would be super duper awesome if you can leave some grammar edits or maybe change of the words being used!!! "

:D

Please submit a one-page, single-spaced essay that explains why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon and your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s). This essay should include the reasons why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know. If you are applying to more than one college or program, please mention each college or program you are applying to. Because our admission committees review applicants by college and programs, your essay can impact our final decision. Please do not exceed one page for this essay.

Is it DĂŠjĂ vu? No, it's something different, something more innate. I know I might sound like a sycophantic toady but speaking the truth, I DID feel an intuitive attraction to Carnegie Mellon when I visited its campus last spring. It felt as if the magnetic field under CMU was pulling especially hard on me and telling me that this is my dream, where I want to attend. Unable to repel the compelling persuasion, I was drawn into Carnegie Mellon like a kid drawn into fresh snow.

I developed my interest toward computer science in my sophomore year of high school when I took my first computer science class. I still remember vividly the day when my current Computer Science/ Advanced Object Orient Design teacher visited my math class full of excitement and motivation. He had been going around into different classes making speeches about the fun in computer science in an effort to persuade more students to take the computer science next year. His eyes, I mean literally, sparkled in robust as he started talking about the robotic projects in Computer Science 1 and the Blackjack and Grid World projects we would encounter in Computer Science 3. And, yes, I was one of the rare students who sat there and listened with mouth wide open and eyes drilling on to the teacher in ample of fascination. That was the moment I was officially introduced to Computer Science. Until then, growing up in a family with a mother who believes that...and a father who doesn't believe the existence of Bluetooth has completely blocked any ray of lights exposing me the computer world. But this dilatory exposure, in contrast, opened up the doors for my inclination to finding the enchantments of computer science.

As the countdown to college applications started, I was also coming to a decision for my major. For years, my parents have been alluring me to the road of being an interpreter/ translator by telling me how its salary ranges and pointing out how I already have advantages in that field since I know three languages fluently and Spanish conversationally. However, becoming an interpreter or a translator, it just didn't feel quite right; I wasn't apt for it. But on the other hand, I did not want to waste the only ascendency I had. "Ah HA!" it suddenly hit me. Computer Science is the potpourri of something I desire to do and something I can incorporate my language skills in: programmers need to learn multiple programming languages that may have similarities some way, as in my case, I already know many different languages that are similar in their basic grammar structures. Therefore, I decided to pursue Computer Science in college.

Because of my ambitious approach to the field of Computer Science, I am looking for somewhere that allows me to span my wings freely and fly over different part of the field. Thus, when I found Carnegie's School of Computer Science, I heard a "Click!" At SCS, its educational and research programs extends over numerous disciplines, which allows students , such as myself, to explore different interests within the field of Computer Science. This is why I decided to chose Carnegie Mellon as my first choice and probably why I was struck with the unearthly attraction to Carnegie Mellon when I took my first step onto its campus.

Undergraduate / 'teach me Japanese' - CommonApp: 500 word Essay (Evaluate a experience) [3]

I know i still got a lot of rewrite to do and since im not a native speaker some parts might sound awkward so PLEASE, be harsh! :D

I know im not using much of "smart" words so it would be awesome to have some suggestions!

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

Everything was all new to me: the air, the people, the language, everything. I was brought into this environment so suddenly that I had no idea that this was the most significant change of my life. I was six-years old and in a new country.

I had just gotten off the plane to Japan in my little pink dress and brand new white ruffled stockings. I followed my mom and stopped in front of a taxi waiting outside. There was a man standing casually beside the taxi, and it was obvious that he wasn't the driver. Hesitantly, my mother introduced the man to me as my stepfather. I was paralyzed and couldn't absorb the situation. Without having the time to accommodate it all with my little brain, I arrived at the apartment my mother lived in. There started my new life with my mother whom I hadn't seen for over a year and a stranger who was my stepfather. For the first couple of weeks, I strived to fit into the new environment.

At that point of my life, almost everything had changed entirely; I even had a new family member. I believe my six years-old self was doing the best to adapt to all the change, especially those at school. I started second grade in the nearest elementary school among the Japanese children. On my first day, I was nervous as the principal led me to my new class. Surprisingly enough, my classmates were all extremely welcoming; however everyday in school was a torture. I was in an environment where I spoke and understood nothing, and because of this stress, I began to withdraw from my classmates. Luckily, that isolation was about to end.

One ordinary day, I accidentally elbowed the girl next to me. Due to my inability to apologize in Japanese, she thought I had done it on purpose and started to hit me back. I was scolded severely by the teacher for this inappropriate behavior because she had mistakenly thought that I started a fight. Then, I came to the realization that "if I had known Japanese and apologized right afterwards, I wouldn't have been wronged!" From then, I worked extremely hard on my Japanese: proactively asking my mother to teach me Japanese and taking initiative in starting conversations with my classmates. I was so motivated that even I was surprised by the motivation I had at that time. Within just three months, I was able to speak Japanese conversationally with my classmates, learn with the other second grade Japanese students and best of all, make new friends. During my sixth grade, my parents suddenly announced that we would be moving to the United States. I was extremely nervous since I also couldn't speak English either, but I was full of daring and excitement because of the experience and confidence I gained in Japan. "So, what happened in U.S?" you might ask, well, that is a whole different story.

Undergraduate / 'exposure to domestic violence' - MIT short essay: Your World [3]

Hi! I know this is really bad...I'm having difficulties with the word limit. I think I'm trying to cramp too much info and when I cut it according to the limit, It sounds choppy...

Any criticisms?? Also, I'm not using much of the "smart words" so any suggestions?

P.S: Im not a native speaker so I know some of the parts are a bit of awkward so PLZ be harsh on me!

Thanks! :)

Describe the world you come from; for example, your family, clubs, school, community, city, or town. How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations?(*) (200-250 words)

Clash!!! I woke up to the sound of breaking glass followed by my father's yelling, which still echoes in my head from time to time. My parents were arguing and my father, once again, raised his fist at my mother. I peeked quietly through the gap of the door finding my four-year old self powerless to do anything. After seeing my father leaving, I dashed towards my mother. My heart ached as I watched mother desperately sitting on the ground surrounded by broken glass and tears pouring down from her eyes. I knew it wasn't my time to be weak. I tightened my trembling knees, dried my tears and I hugged her with full strength trying to alleviate her pain.

Years later, my mother confessed her exposure to domestic violence explaining that she hesitated to divorce my father because her maternal instinct was saying how I shouldn't grow up without father. Eventually, she signed the divorce paper and sought for life in Japan. She first went to Japan alone to prepare an environment for me. While she was there, she met my step-father, who's the kindest person I've ever met. Even though I had some resistance to having a new father at first, I was soon thankful that my mother found someone this perfect. I've been under the influences of myriad changes and people in my world. My aspiration, therefore, is to become someone as independent and strong as my mother, who's the most influential person in that world.