Posts by czoeee

czoeee

Nov 10, 2012

Undergraduate / 'Imagination' - UVA: What is your favorite word and why? [4]

In "everyone childhood and adulthood," the "everyone" should be possessive. Change it to "everyone's"

If you want to cut back on some words, "throughout our entire lives" is a bit redundant so you can get rid of "entire" and just have "throughout our lives."

Change the semi-colon between "our entire lives" and "this word" into a period. Or if you want to keep "This word is imagination" joined to the previous sentence, you can make "this" lowercase.

"Imagination has no boundaries and is not the same as anyone else's imagination."
When you say that it "is not the same as anyone else's imagination," you've already pointed that out in the first sentence when you said it was unique to each individual.

"This word was created numerous pioneers in developing new technology and ideas."
Change "was" into "has."

"Without imagination, we wouldn't have some of the Disney movies we us children loved, we wouldn't have genius's like Steve Job creating the Ipod/Iphone our society thrives on every year."

This is a run-on sentence. Change the comma between "children loved" and "we wouldn't" to a semi-colon or change it into a period and capitalize the "we."

Also, there should not be an apostrophe-s with "genius." Change it to "geniuses"

"some of the Disney movies we us children loved"
Instead of this, you can give examples of certain movies you've enjoyed.
Also, I think you were trying to say "as" instead of "us."

mm.. I would reword "dull perspective of life" somehow. It is kind of a downer in such a light-hearted essay.

Your choice of your favorite word is good but not exactly original.
However, I like how you've organized and explained this.

Good luck!!

czoeee

Nov 10, 2012

Undergraduate / 'An evening with friends' - Williams Looking through the car window [4]

Haha I actually got the Call of Duty reference. No worries though; I'm not offended. :)

I agree with what you've said, but I guess the environment I was looking at was the evening itself... if that makes sense.

I'll look over it again and see what changes I can make.

Thanks so much!

czoeee

Nov 10, 2012

Undergraduate / Common App essay about Snowflake metaphor [3]

Your comment on being the reincarnation of Hitler, Stalin, and Pol Pot made me laugh. :)

Your second statement is unnecessary. I would go right from "Humans are comparable to snowflakes" to "From our creation..."

"We start as a grain of dust, without any burden or knowledge, or existance as a snowflake"
Existence is spelled with an "e."
The sentence seems a bit off. I don't know if it's the misplacement of the commas or the word choice. I understand the "without any burden or knowledge" but it doesn't quite flow with the "or existence as a snowflake."

You don't need the colon after "our new world." Make it a period and capitalize the "you're" in "you're alive!"

"You can fall if you want - just live first - and grow, mature, and ripen into a snowflake to make us proud when it hits the ground."

Don't put the hyphens between "just live first." Separate that into a new sentence, so it's "You can fall if you want. Just live, grow, and ripen into a snowflake first to make us proud when you hit the ground."

Get rid of the comma between "gain" and "condenses."

"A full and ideal snowflake without dirt or bacteria for the ice to grow on simply does not exist"
The prepositional phrase "for the ice to grow on" is unnecessary since you already referred to it in the previous paragraph. It also messes up the flow of your sentence, so I would leave it out.

Change the hyphen between "rather not have at all" and "but without them" into a comma, or you can make everything after "but without them" into a new sentence.

"Either way, starting to fall will happen..."
I would change that to "Either way, falling will happen..." or "Either way, falling is inevitable..."

You do not need the commas between "frolick in the sky" and "as we age." Also, "frolick" is spelled "frolic."

"...and a peaceful end on ground prepared and chilled by forebears, while passing the wait for a thaw's death by enjoying the company of fellows from far-flung backgrounds and clouds."

This seems out of place in context. Make it into a new sentence or get rid of it.

You need a semi-colon instead of a comma between "beyond what I know now" and "I can study the same things."

Overall, I really like the whole metaphor/simile you did with humans and snowflakes. It is unique, well-thought out, and fun to read!
Other than a few stylistic errors and grammatical mistakes, I think it's worthy of the colleges you are planning to apply for.
Good luck!!

If you have time, check out my essay. It will be much appreciated! Please and thank you~

czoeee

Nov 10, 2012

Undergraduate / "I love Jar Jar Binks and Lebanese Food" - Stanford's Roommate Essay [6]

I agree with Knighted on the advice about making a list and grouping them. It seems a little too scattered, so using conjunctions here and there to join similar statements might help. Try experimenting with that and go from there :)

"If, after reading all this, you're still willing to be my roommate, then you're either the kindest or the craziest person in the world ... and, just for the record, I'm hoping it's both."

I would reword it a bit so it's like "you're either the kindest person in the world or the craziest."

The essay overall is really fun to read, and it shows a lot of your personality!

I wish you the best of luck~

If you have time, check out my essay. It will be much appreciated. :)

czoeee

Nov 10, 2012

Undergraduate / 'An evening with friends' - Williams Looking through the car window [4]

"Imagine looking out a window at an environment that is particularly significant to you. What do you see? Explain how this environment relates to you and why it is significant." (300 word limit)

Any critiques or comments are welcome. Please and thank you!

The stop light turns a green hue matching the trees' leaves around us. As cars pass by and the scenery changes, I turn away from the side window and look ahead. Adele's Chasing Pavements blasts on the stereo, and like any teenage girl would do, I belt out the lyrics without shame.

My older brother and I were going out to eat with friends for the first time that summer at a local Japanese Hibachi restaurant. The atmosphere was relaxed as the sun set in the pink-orange stained horizon. It was genuine happiness on the perfect day - no worries and no troubles, just good times and good company.

It had been a while since this feeling of bliss came over me. The semester had been more challenging than I had first expected, and after the last two months of school organizing prom, cramming for AP tests and running for student council reelection, my energy was drained.

For so long, it was as if I had merely existed. The evening with friends was a chance for me to regain the enthusiasm and optimism that I had lost. While I was not depressed or sad, I felt that reality had become a blur, and I was missing my chance to truly enjoy life.

No, it was not the epiphany where I uncovered some hidden family secret or calculated the algorithm to sustain life on Mars. It was a simple passing moment, but it was enough for me to realize that life was more than the high expectations and the GPA. It encompassed every fleeting second - each instant as important as the last.

June 2nd, 2012: I sat in the front seat of the beat-up 1990 Chevrolet. It was then when my life had begun again.