Undergraduate / USC Admissions Essay (Cinema Major) - an external influence [3]

How I discovered my comedic side. I'm not sure if the essay is effective enough at relying a solid message, or needs more of a conclusion for an admissions essay. It's also a sentence or two too long. Can any help Please?

Prompt:
* Newton's First Law of Motion states that an object in motion tends to stay in motion in the same direction unless acted upon by an external force. Tell us about an external influence (a person, an event, etc.) that affected you and how it caused you to change direction.

The earth-shaded cobblestones had been glazed with rain the evening of Ben's birthday party. His backyard looked sprinkled with partygoers, and I stood by the Koi pond, but not for long. My legs swiftly took flight off the wet floor, and before I knew it, I fell into the pond. At that moment, the yellow sign "Slippery when wet" flashed in my mind. It is funny how such an obvious phrase can possess such profound impact.

I fell hard. Luckily, my head broke my fall. It landed square on the hard part of a rock. I was not sure what happened, but I was certain I hit my head. Not because I could feel it, but because the distinct sound of a "thud" rang through my skull. Oddly enough, I felt no pain. Maybe I did not fall so hard. Perhaps I was just wet and humiliated. Yet, when I tried to lift myself out of the water, the task seamed nearly impossible. By then, a crowd gathered around me. I looked around and saw twice as many people through double vision. I tried once again to get up, but nothing happened!

Why does this not hurt?
I looked down at my body, and saw my appendages drooping like spaghetti. My limp noodle arms floated across the murky water, alongside the coy. Friends rushed over to help me out of the pond, but my feet did not seem to work. I could not move, or hardly even talk. I just laid motionless in the pond, staring up at my friends like a lifeless pile of Jell-O asking, "Am I okay?" Everyone just stared. That's when the fear hit me. I was damaged goods. I must be paralyzed! The combination of fear and adrenaline that shot through my veins nearly made me vomit. The only ones more frightened than I was, were probably the fish.

My whole life, I have never been one to take many risks. I always saw myself as a quiet, introspective child, always taking unnecessary percussion to avoid injury. Often times I would shy away from even potentially dangerous actives. Who knows, I could turn a corner and come face to face with an eighteen wheeler driven by some guy on his cell phone, or get gunned down for a gang initiation, or spontaneously combust! I was neurotic. Then suddenly, like some self fulfilling prophecy, I have been granted what I have always feared the most. Would forever be condemned this numb existence?

Then the tangling of a million tiny, black ants began at my toes. They kept crawling, marching up my legs towards my hips. The brigade grew into a colony as the ants stopped onward, past my stomach and into my hands. I could feel the little buggers nibbling at my fingertips, crawling under my shirt and up my back until my whole body felt infested with these tiny, crawling superorganisms. Then suddenly, they vanished.

I could feel the water and my wet clothing as they clung to my skin. I sensed the cold. Oh, how I missed the cold. Muscles contracted and ligaments bent as I soon possessed the strength to lift myself out of the pond. My thighs and biceps did their job as I pushed myself to a standing position. I can stand!

Then like some overjoyed birthday clown, I let out the most uproarious laugh. I thought of how funny I looked slipping into that Koi pond. I kept laughing. I laughed because it was the only way to deal with the fear and pain of my injury. It was then that a realization hit me like a bolt of lighting. I learned how wrong I was. Life is precious, and though there may by over six billion of us living, breathing, hearts pounding and only inches from death, this life was mine and I only get one, so I should make the best of it.

Life can end without warning, and that scares me more than anything. For this reason, I laugh. Maybe the impact shook something loose, rendering me not quite right, or perhaps it granted me a freedom from fear that can only be cured through laughter. It was that night where I found my life's philosophy, my purpose, my reason to spread awareness and the solutions to my fears of death-comedy.

Writing Feedback / USC Cinematic Arts Essay (Emotionally Intense Moment) [5]

I like my essay, but I feel it needs a bit of tweaking and critique. Can anyone give any suggestions?

Category II (Intense Emotional Moment) - Briefly describe the most emotionally intense moment you have experienced. Limit your description to two double-spaced, typed pages.

Eight hundred eyes fill a middle school auditorium. They stare blankly at the empty stage before them. These judging, insensitive eyes, belonging to fellow classmates, peers and voluptuous crushes, wait impatiently, expecting to get their five dollars worth of entertainment. Meanwhile, I stand behind the curtain, more nervous than a virgin at a brothel. I'm about to showcase my first original work. The stage is set, and it seems curiously inviting under the dim, blue lights only bright enough to make everything glow. I walk into the still darkness of the stage and wait for my light queue. With nearly four hundred people in the auditorium, I have never heard a room so quiet. I could hear a fly sneeze.

Then, the lights go on. At this moment, I fell like a novice skydiver, hunched at the mouth of a plane, recapping every preceding life event, just in case he never sees another day. My fourteen year old mind was clouded with fright as I stand shaking on the stage in front of a room full of my peers. However, instead of worrying about a queue or a line, I feared for my identity. I have Tourette's Syndrome and I was deathly afraid of my first appearance in front of a live audience.

I was five when my head crossed paths with a concrete floor. The nasty spill granted me a trip to the emergency room and from that day on, I was never the same. Doctors diagnosed me with Tourette's Syndrome. The disorder caused me to twitch, jump, shake, snort, clap, or repeat phrases without my control. I never appreciated the ability to sit still until I was incapable of doing so. The disease took complete control of my life physically and socially. In class, fellow students would stare with judging eyes as I jerked my head back violently. On the playground, kids cured ennui by making fun of me. After all, teasing is more fun than tag. For them, I was walking entertainment. For me, Tourrettes was a plague.

In middle school, I discovered a passion for acting. Through acting, I could immerse myself in a character and escape my harsh reality. It was so easy to shed my unwanted idiosyncrasies in exchange for a fresh disguise. Unfortunately, acting goes hand in hand with performance. Even with the camouflage of character, there is no stopping the involuntary disorder hardwired in my brain-I would eventually have to display my twitching body in front of countless students. Fortunately, my dreams of becoming an actor stretched farther than my fears.

Then the lights go up. Now I can see the expression on every audience member's face. My heart is in my mouth. I can already feel the ridicule. "What's wrong with that kid?" Yet, I remain confidant. I worked too hard. I am not going to let a disorder hinder my passions. I commence the performance and put my body on display. Without fault, I nail every queue, every line and look. Students who never saw this side of me before burst into laughter and applaud the lines I wrote. The play is a smash; and by some miracle, I discovered my tics had completely receded while I acted.

Like an addiction I continued to act for the rest of middle school, and all throughout high school. Each time I graced the stage, I continued to chip away at the disorder that hunted my childhood. Today, the world is my stage, because the disorder I was told I would carry with me forever has nearly vanished entirely. For the first time, I was praised for my deeds. My work, my performance and most importantly, my identity was admired. That night, I learned that the most emotionally intense moment of my life would not be the fear I faced, stepping on that stage, but the joy I experience when I got off of it-the joy of an individual who overcame his problems-an individual respected by his peers.

Undergraduate / USC Short Answers (Cinema Major) [4]

WOW! What a great website. I am so happy to find a place like this were fellow writers can assist each other. I am currently applying to USC as a cinema major. These are my short answers. I was hoping to get some feedback. Thanks so much for your help. What goes around comes around. I am always willing to proofread other works :)

Deadline Feb, 2 2009:

1.) Tell us about an activity that is important to you, and why.

Some maddening portion of my brain is committed to working overtime, twenty-four hours a day. Like a machine, it continuously analyzes, evaluates, processes, edits, and comments on everything I think or do. This can become severely distracting and rather tiresome. When I am improvising, this portion of my mind shuts off, and I am forced to react strictly to what is presented in front of me. I feel a strong connection towards improvisation because it has positively shaped my life as one of the most important activities that I practice regularly. Because the nature of improv is so spontaneous, it forces me to react directly to any situation that my character might undergo. It is this moment of uncertainty-this naturalness that makes improv so special. As a result, I have learned to think one step at a time, and if I approach situations from a direct, logical standpoint I will be able to navigate through them with much greater ease. I am an avid improviser and it truly inspires and drives me to succeed.

2.) Describe your academic interests and how you plan to pursue them at USC.

A long day of filming was finally complete and it was now time for me to edit the first film I ever directed. I must have dumped about an hours worth of shaky, poorly lit and ill-rehearsed footage onto my computer, but it was my crappy movie and it deserved to be completed. Hours into the night, I sat before the glow of my computer screen, weaving together my creation. I trimmed, spliced and pieced together footage, added music and sound effects; and when I was done, I made a discovery. I realized that with a combination of editing, creativity, and strong coffee I could turn an hour's worth of mind-numbing, unwatchable garbage into an entertaining, coherent storyline that actually evokes some emotion. That night, I had discovered the magic of movies. At USC, I plan to take full advantage of your broad gamut of film programs. With a well-rounded understanding of film I can produce higher quality material. My fervent love for filmmaking resides not only in one nook of the art, but seeps deep into every aspect of movie making. Because USC's cinema students are required to take courses from the full spectrum of the school's offerings, I believe I can adequately cultivate my filmmaking skills and grow into the blossomed filmmaker I aspire to be.

3.) Why are you planning to transfer to USC?

In the summer of 2006, I was fortunate enough to receive a scholarship to your cinema department's summer program for my feature length screenplay, "Poker." It was not until I attended the classes that I truly got an impression of the school's character. After walking around the red bricked campus and taking in the environment of the department and its movie poster wallpaper, I grasped a sense of excitement and zeal within the faculty and students that was distinctively rare and invigorating. I can recall when David Weitzner, the summer program director, came to speak to us about the department and was so elated and passionate about what he was saying that it made me realize the school must truly be unquestionably great. It was this passion-this honor and enthusiasm demonstrated by all those individuals, which attracted me so deeply to USC. I look forward to actively participating in class and pushing myself to be the best I can be.

4.) Optional:

I have been sitting in this bologna stenched school bus for three and half hours, wedged between a Dora the Explorer backpack and a screaming eight year old. My legs hurt, my head is pounding, I am shocked the bus driver has not pulled over for a restroom break two hours ago. I am an Israeli Scouts counselor and this was me on the way to our first camping trip. I knew these kid's parents had willingly handed over their most prized possessions to a pimple-faced teenager; and it was now my responsibility to return them home unharmed and with a newly acquired knowledge about nature and the world around them. For the next week, I endured a test that was both mentally and emotionally challenging. I was forced to diplomatically handle crises that began with the phrases, "He flicked his boogers at me!" It was my responsibility to educate my campers about the night sky and how it can be used to guide us. Yet, do you know how hard it is just to get 15 sugar-fuelled kids to stand in circle? The task was a challenge, but an immensely rewarding one. I stayed in command, maintained control and actually had some fun. That week, I learned the invaluable skill of leadership. A skill I plan to carry with me to movie sets in Hollywood. As a director, leadership is a vital role to managing a set and searing a production toward success.