Unanswered [5] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by Soccer13
Joined: Nov 22, 2012
Last Post: Nov 22, 2012
Threads: 2
Posts: 4  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 6
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Soccer13   
Nov 22, 2012
Undergraduate / 'my grandfather's bicycle' - COMMON APP ESSAY [6]

To make it more personable maybe talk about how your grandpa's influence caused you to (whatever you intend to do in college) and then make sure you try to relate that back to one specific memory that you two shared with each other. and maybe tie your conclusion back to your intro and say something like "and when i see all of his stuff on the right side of his bed i feel his presence and think about all the lives he's touched
Soccer13   
Nov 22, 2012
Undergraduate / UC Prompt 1: how to tie it up? 'my resemblance to my father' [3]

I really like the overall topic of your essay as it relates very well to your intended major...however, maybe try to capture the readers' attention a bit more by describing a specific situation that you and/or your father had together that made you so inclined to major in business. I think that might make it more personable. Also, you have great style but some of your sentences get to be a little repetitive ex "I want to major in business not only because I want to start my own business one day" maybe try "I want to major in business so that one day I can start a company like my father"...and you could maybe even end with something like "after all, if I look like my father I might as well be as successful as him too" (that may be going a little too far but it would tie back in with your intro!)
Soccer13   
Nov 22, 2012
Undergraduate / 'My mom says I'm an overachiever.'; Georgetown supplement [2]

As Georgetown is a diverse community, the Admissions Committee would like to know more about you in your own words. Please submit a brief essay, either personal or creative, which you feel best describes you.

I am approximately 536,112,000 seconds old-excluding leap years. And in those 536,112,000 seconds I've never been able to figure out exactly who I am.

My mom says I'm an overachiever. She says my perfectionist tendencies cause me to stress too much over the little things and not focus enough on the important things in life. She thinks I'm crazy for getting three hours of sleep a night, she thinks I'm crazy for spending so much time on schoolwork, soccer and volunteering. She thinks I'm crazy for trying to get our school to break a world record by participating in a music video to raise money for Children's Hospital. But she doesn't understand-that's who I am.

My dad says I'm a worrier. He says I need to relax and stop overworking myself. He doesn't understand that volunteering makes me happy. He doesn't realize that helping other people relinquishes some of the stresses of school and soccer, that tutoring Brandi at Whiz Kids makes me forget about my poor ACT score, the "B" I received on the calculus test, the goal I let in during the game against Mason High School. He doesn't understand that helping others helps me.

My friends say I'm perfect. They see my good grades, my involvement in extracurriculars and my athletic abilities and automatically assume that I'm flawless. They see my cheery and positive demeanor and think that I'm always happy. But they only see the superficial me. They don't see how I got to where I am today-the sleepless nights I spent worrying about school, the days I locked myself in my room and studied for hours on end trying to improve my math standardized test scores, the hours I spent rehabbing my knee to recover from two torn ACL's and anterior compartment syndrome. They don't see what happens behind the scenes. They see the smiles, the laughs, but they don't see the tears, the pain that exist within.

I say I'm esoteric. I'm nothing and everything at the same time. I put so much pressure on myself because I fear disappointment. I want to please people, I want to make them happy and if that means that I wear a mask to cover up my true feelings, then I'll do it. I don't know exactly who I am-that's just me.

But that's why Georgetown suits me. The students and professors are focused on research-they want to make discoveries, find cures, help others. I want to be involved in their revelations, I want to have an impact on others no matter what I decide to do.

And maybe, in the next 126,227,704 seconds that I'll spend at college, I'll also discover exactly who I am.
Soccer13   
Nov 22, 2012
Undergraduate / Georgetown University Creative Application Essay [4]

The introduction needs a little bit of work, but I really like the whole idea. I think you need to jump to the macaron right away instead of ellaborating on the summer study progam
Soccer13   
Nov 22, 2012
Undergraduate / 'boundless opportunities' Why study at Georgetown University? essay [4]

I like the whole idea of the essay, but I think you should try to make it a bit more personable-maybe start off by describing a specific event that made you discover your passion for working with people...and then go on to explain your fascination with psychology. But overall it was really good!
Soccer13   
Nov 22, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Machines, tubes, wheelchairs'. Georgetown short answer. [3]

In the space available discuss the significance to you of the school or summer activity in which you have been most involved.

Machines, tubes, wheelchairs. Walking through the halls of Children's Hospital was depressing-until I met David. As a hospital volunteer, it's hard to see sick kids. I get emotional playing with the three year old girl, strapped down in her wheelchair, unable to move. I tear up when the little boy screams at the sight of the needle. I cringe when I see a tube sticking out of a toddler's mouth. And when I met David, who lived with a sac-like apparatus outside of his body, I felt the same way. I'm not sure exactly what was wrong with him. He had trouble speaking and walking, he breathed heavily and would always lift up his shirt to show me his impaired stomach. But seven year old David wasn't sad. He never complained. Each Friday he greeted me, at four p.m. sharp by the elevator on the third floor, holding his younger sister's hand just as all big brothers do. He would walk in, smiling, ready for the new day. It didn't matter that a bag protruded from his stomach, that he couldn't talk, that he was different. David was perfect and loved life. I haven't seen David for months. I'm not certain where he is now. But whenever I stand by the third floor elevator I'm reminded of his impactful presence. Because of David, walking through the halls is no longer depressing, it's inspirational.

Am I completely off track??
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