Undergraduate / Common App Essay: The Significant Person - Game (Jayceon Terrell Taylor) hip-hop star [3]

Can you please review my Common App Essay? I think that something may be wrong with it so feedbacks are appreciated. And oh, I know that I should cut the part about the Game's biography but I don't know how, please help.

Promt: Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence

In the childhood, my uncle Vladislav spent much more time with me than my own dad. He is 17 years older than I am so I wanted to follow all of his interests: play the same video games, listen to the same music, and watch the same movies. That time he was listening to American hip-hop stars like 50 Cent, Tupac, Game and Snoop Dogg. I also fell in love with this genre of music even though I didn't understand a word from the lyrics. Later on, I wanted to know more about these artists so I read their biographies and Game's life had a significant influence on my world's perception.

I have never considered my life simple. My father left my family as soon as my brother was born; he always considered himself as my sponsor, not my parent; he had never told me he loved me or he was proud of me; I grew up watching my mother crying and fainting. When I was 15 I realized that I started giving up so I tried to find myself a motivation to go on. That was the time I was reading the hip-hop artists' biographies and I was shocked when I read about Game's life. He grew up in the family of the gang members, drug and arms dealers. Jayceon Terrell Taylor (that's rapper's real name) claimed that his father molested one of his sisters. At around age of 6, he witnessed the friend of him being shot for clothes. When he grew up, he became a gang member and in 2001 he was shot five times execution-style by the assassin and went into three-day coma. That was the moment he decided to leave his criminal career and become a rapper. Now he is one of the most successful hip-hop artists and he has three kids who he adores with all his heart.

That story literally changed my life and my world perception. I realized that all of my problems are miserable and the solutions are easy to find. I have always thought of myself as a strong person so now, every time I feel like I'm giving up, I just ask myself: why didn't Game give up? His life was so much harder than mine but he still found the strength to go on, become successful and happy. These thoughts motivate me to start working harder and accomplish my goals. Moreover, I believe that no matter how hard your life is, you can always find the right path to your happiness, success and dreams.

Undergraduate / 'A bursar of the school's student council' - UC Essay #2. Major in Business [2]

2. Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how

Being a bursar of the school's student council turned out to be one of the most challenging and memorable experiences in my entire life. I've always dreamed to become a businesswoman so I took a chance to become a bursar on my junior year. This position included the control of the money flow of the school's charity organization and the student council's cash, meetings with the CFO of MES, the budget planning and the bookkeeping. Every month more events were coming and more money was needed. Still, the budget couldn't afford all of the events, so I had to deny to some of the sections of the student council.

During the traditional Christmas charity bazaar, we were able to raise a record amount of money due to the successful marketing move. Using the knowledge I gained during the management courses at the Moscow State University, I announced a competition among the school: the class that earns more money during the fair will get the personal gratitude from the school's president. This competition caused a real stir and students continued bringing money till the late evening. By the end, we earned about fifteen thousand dollars, thirteen of which were spent on the charity and the rest were saved for the student council's needs.

Nevertheless school wanted me to pay for the repairs of the building, which actually had nothing to do with the student council. Being responsible for proper budget distribution, I had to go through the dozens of meetings with the school's principal and the CFO to explain them why student council won't pay for the school repairs and by the end they had to give up.

To sum up, I had to make the most challenging decisions and deal with lots of problems while being on the position of the school council's bursar. The respect people treated me with and the responsibility that didn't let me neglect my job motivated me even more to become a successful businesswoman.

Undergraduate / 'Because of the USSR collapse..' - UC Promt 1. Majoring in Business [3]

Guys, can you please review my essay? I feel like something is wrong with it, so if you dont like it, I'm gonna rewrite the whole essay.

UC promt 1: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations

"Lera, I need to tell you something. Your dad is not living with us anymore" - these were the words I heard when my father left our family. I was eight but I wasn't surprised to hear this news, I haven't seen father for a while. Even though my parents have been living separately ever since, my father became the person who made me myself, who created the world I'm living in.

My father grew up in the small Russian city and didn't even dream about moving to Moscow. Being raised in the family of an alcoholic and a working woman, he had to grow up fast to look after his younger sister. He always wanted to live better, to change the world he lived in. After receiving his BA, he moved to Moscow, where he met my mother and fell in love with her. His new business became successful pretty fast and he managed to make a lot of money because of the USSR collapse.

Even though he gave me the best secondary education, he has always told me that everything I have belongs to him and I have to make my own way to the top. He makes me fill the expenditure spreadsheets every month and send it to him by email. At first, I hated him for behaving as my sponsor, not my father. However soon enough this hate turned into a strong motivation. Now one of my goals is to become independent, to prove my father that I am able to become successful and change the world all by myself.

Moreover his financial tasks like expenses calculations helped me a lot when I was a bursar of a student council. There was no need to teach me filling the spreadsheets, budget planning and keeping a ledger. School's CFO was surprised by achievements in the financing field.

To sum up, my father is the person who motivates me to work and make the grade. Even though it is tough to live in the world, where your parent act like your sponsor, I still survive and I am not going to give up. He taught me to turn my dreams into goals and achieve them no matter what. Moreover, I know that he is proud of me, because I made my way to the Stanford Summer School, because I succeeded in high school and gained respect among the teachers and the classmates.