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Posts by Malik Achakzai
Joined: Nov 26, 2012
Last Post: Dec 1, 2012
Threads: 3
Posts: 12  
Likes: 3
From: Pakistan

Displayed posts: 15
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Malik Achakzai   
Dec 1, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS essay, gap year between high school and university [6]

Your paragraphs are good, sentences having cohesion. Just a bit change if you could make, not to let many sentences separated by a coma. They usually mixes ideas, confuse reader.

Being a backpacker who is traveling to other countries, you may have chance to touch with people from different background and make friendship with them.

Extremely, sS ome people may decide not to goto university, it is not necessarily a bad thingidea but certainly a considerable change of perspective and future.
Malik Achakzai   
Nov 29, 2012
Undergraduate / "How you responded to a significant challenge" UBC essay; Asperger's syndrome [3]

SofiAnabelle: You have written very good piece, make your sentences shorter. That will be easy to understand. I did some changes as beneath.

I was only twelve at the time, and always I didn't always know what the right thing to do?was .

I had to learn to seeing things through more mature eyes.

Caring for my sister, I understood what it was like to be the underdog. , to be different.

At that time I was too young to know how to act or how to protect her, but through all of this I grew as a person.
Malik Achakzai   
Nov 28, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Pashtoon family' - Personal Background and Professional Experience [3]

If you could have a check on my personal background and professional experience, would be nice getting your remarks.

In 1984 on July 6th I opened my eyes in a Pashtoon family, living in the city of Chaman district Killa Abdullah Khan, Balochistan next to a gate on boundary line between Pakistan and Afghanistan. After attending my primary schooling in Primary School Chaman, later went to New Government High school Khairojan Baghicha [garden] and in 2002 I did my matriculation and took admission in Government Degree College Chaman as a regular student of Pre-medical. At the time joining my premedical classes, Pashtoonkhwa Students Organization the student political wing of Pashtoonkhwa Milli Awami Party [a Pashtoon Nationalist Party] that is struggling for democracy, national equity, social justice, fundamental human rights [specially gender equality, rights to education, health and employment], peace, stability and depending the sovereignty of Afghanistan, anti to the conservative so called religious politics and the role of Pakistani spy agencies in creation of complex formation of terrorism and extremism.

My involvement in student politics took ten years, while I participated and actively took part in political struggle of Pashtoonkhwa Milli Awami Party for the implementation of the manifestos, during the one decade period I took my position as college unit secretary, then district Killa Abdullah secretary of the organization, University of Balochistan secretary, District Quetta [well known by Quetta shora] secretary. Beside the central committee member of the student wing, soon I got a promotion to Party press secretariat and have been working there for last five years, I also did my graduation as bachelor in science and double masters, first in Biochemistry the second in Mass Communication from the department of media and journalism at University of Balochistan. Being on different posts of Organization and Party, I played my role in recruiting students and youth for party politics, campaigning for our manifesto implementation, as an adviser; taking part in local bodies, provincial and national elections, being assistant to party chairman in the field of media and international relations, did my job as international coordinator, press and information committee member of Party.

Even, it is hard for a progressive and Democratic Party's activist and political worker to do dual duties at a time, but I did and manage to do so. In 2010 I started reporting as a freelancer for Voice of America Ashna (Pashto) radio service, covered the controversial province of Balochistan; about 100 live reports of mine were on aired. I am a contributing writer to many organizations, one of them is policymic a New York based organization for media, democracy of new generation; they have published my several articles on different issues, most of them about the war on terror and Afghanistan Pakistan ties, Pakistani spy agencies role in Politics and creation of terrorism.

Living in a country, where target killing, bomb blasts, sectarian violence, ethnic violence, religious extremism, terrorism are on their peaks was a very confusing decision for me; slowly I got familiar with all risks and have felt security threats during my political activities, journalism job and research work.
Malik Achakzai   
Nov 28, 2012
Writing Feedback / History Intro paragraph: Do I properly state my argument? *Short* [2]

Well you are having fine hints and a good paragraph just minor changes were needed, as rewritten below.

3) It went away from religion and towards reason

The curiosity of the natural world facilitated the growth of ideas; these ideas evolved as the centuries progressed.

Can be written: The curiosity of the natural world facilitated the growth of ideas; those ideas evolved as progress/product of centuries.

W hich would have lea d to an epistemology crisis.
Malik Achakzai   
Nov 27, 2012
Writing Feedback / My Biography (a freelance journalist, contributing writer, and activist) [3]

Mr. Abdul Malik is a freelance journalist, contributing writer, political and youth activist, human right worker in Quetta, Balochistan Pakistan. He has worked with a democratic political party Pashtoonkhwa Milli Awami Party believing in struggle for democracy, social justice, gender equality, national equity, human rights and human fundamental rights, peace and security, the said party is struggling for the sovereignty of Afghanistan and is anti to the conservative and so called religious, extremist and terrorist organizations and the foreign policy of Pakistan being engineered by the Army establishment. He has been struggling for last decade as a political activist paving the way for a democratic governmental setup in the country, freedom of speech and all fundamental human rights. In this way he has arranged many political programs, have been part of election campaigns, students and youth activism and their recruitment in PkMAP and PSO. Being a senior cadre of Party and Organization, he has trained several teams working with him in political activism, press and media section of the party secretariat. Have worked for VOA Ashna Pashto service for two years a freelancer and live reporter, writes for [policymic.com a US based organization working democracy and media.
Malik Achakzai   
Nov 27, 2012
Undergraduate / 'A bursar of the school's student council' - UC Essay #2. Major in Business [2]

justlerik you are having pretty good ideas and cohesive sentences. That makes your piece awesome. I will suggest you keep your work up, you are near to destination. Best of luck

I came across some positions and put my suggestions to be the way I have written.

I wasn't surprised; he worked too hard to be interested in his children's school's schools accomplishments or in his wife's new haircut.

However his desire to achieve more, destroyed his marriage; dad stopped caring about what was going on in the family.

[i]In the above sentence comma separates phrases, become understandable[/i]

Even though he gave me the best secondary education, he has had taught me not to take anything for granted and achieve success all by myself.

Every month more events were coming and more money was needed. Still, the budget couldn't afford all of the events, so I had to deny to some of the sections of the student council.
Malik Achakzai   
Nov 27, 2012
Writing Feedback / Gilgit Baldistan the paradise like motherland [6]

Gilgit Baldistan an area inside Pakistan, having the same sample of population on the other side of the border inside Afghanistan.

Muhammad Khan a tribal leader in Chathral, an old man knowing the period of history he has passed through.
Malik Achakzai   
Nov 27, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Macau gambling / Arrogant and impatient' - UC majoring in Business and Economics. [3]

You are having fluency, just minor changes needed, as you write piece rest for a while and re read it with an editor theme in mind. Best of luck...

I could remember that once I invited my friends to my home, they were just arguing in front of my friends.

From my father, I learn that how economic factors, such as the stock market and the currency rate, have a significant influence on the individuals and entrepreneurs, apart from knowledge, I also learn how to manage stresses and facing life difficulties from my father.

Prompt#2

Three years ago when I was on the way back home with my friends after the Christmas party at 4a.m., I have anhad argument with three drunken men who want wanted to harass my two female friends.

My friend who friends witnessed this brutal fight was paralyzed in shock.

Instead of given giving up my tutoring job, I continued making adjustment in my teaching method until he could understand the concepts and could apply them to different problems.

I was also the team leader of the basketball team in my high school, I was confidence with my talented skills confident of my talent and skills, and I always blamed on my teammates for their turnovers.

This incident motivated me to pursue better selves and reminds me of my proud transformation from an arrogant teenager to a mature person.
Malik Achakzai   
Nov 26, 2012
Undergraduate / Why choosing Web Development major: Drexel App Essay [3]

Looking back at my childhood, two common interests seemed to always be prevalent: art and computers.

As one of the few boys in my class who enjoyed art during those elementary days,

Turning over a new leaf as I entered into my freshman year of high school, I experimented with different subjects and arts to see which would best fit my interests.

Back I turned to computers where I finally discovered my real interests: web development and media design.
Malik Achakzai   
Nov 26, 2012
Writing Feedback / Essay bout Jeddah, Saudi Arabia city [3]

First of all, The city located on the coast of the Red Sea, and is the major urban center of western Saudi Arabia.

In addition, It is the largest city in Makkah region, and the largest sea port on the Red Sea, and the second largest city in Saudi Arabia after the capital city, Riyadh , . Jeddah has a population currently at of 3.2 million.
Malik Achakzai   
Nov 26, 2012
Scholarship / Summary of Undergraduate Study - Architecture [3]

Shortening of pieces make them easily understandable.

Jakarta Library for The Blind and Visually Impaired is a library whichprovides collections of media which are used by blind and visually impaired people, . F or example Braille books, audio books, large print books, and tactile books.

This project is designed to be located at Cilandak area, South Jakarta, because of its easy access from to the blind and visually impaired communities in Jakarta, which are located around this area .

Jakarta Library for The Blind and Visually Impaired provide facilities includeof children library, public library, art and computer classes, sersory garden, children playground, auditorium, and other facilities, such as well as collection production and repair section.
Malik Achakzai   
Nov 26, 2012
Writing Feedback / Gilgit Baldistan the paradise like motherland [6]

Please Check my thread and suggest me how to make it be on exact lines...

Gilgit Baldistan are they safe and sound?

Please could you please help me in my piece. Thank you

"We were having a happy life, our system is based upon harmony for hundereds of year, they [sectarian violence creators] destabilizes all" says on anonymously, a student from Gilgit currently enrolled in the BUITEMS University of Quetta, Balochistan.

Muhammad Khan from Chathral the bordering city of Khyber Pashtoonkhwa with Gilgit Baldistan illusturate "Gilgit Baldistan were well known for the peace and union the community had", adds further "we were having them as an example of peace, they have lived here peacefully for centuries".

Gilgit Baldistan the paradise like geography, culture, civilization and people, they are ancient Greece and later Afghans, their bad fortune to be part of Pakistan, no matter their community on the other side of the border in Nuristan and Baldistan of Afghanistan are having a safe life and enjoy every sort of fundamental human rights. I don't think they will remain happy here [in side Pakistan], every day shouldering the funerals of loved ones. So, we can ask, "won't Afghanistan be an attractive place for them rather than current Pakistan"?

"Our relatives with whom we are having blood relations, we have many girls married to them live freely and with peace inside the 4 decades of war torn Afghanistan" told Laila a lady health worker from Gilgit, "Our forefathers decided to be part of Pakistan for the cause of Islam, that was the day of our bad fortune, that's the reason now we slaughtered under the same title of Islam".

Why and who changed this paradise like motherland of Gilgities and Baldistanies into a hell? Who are responsible for the sectarian violence on this land of harmony, peace and stability? Everyone is aware of the circumstances and history, or if not then just have a check on the martial laws of Pakistan, specially the era of Gen: Zia Ul Haq, sewed the most dangerous seed of violence, hate and terror. That has claimed thousands of innocent lives just on the name of sect.

Paradin Tarin a Phd scholar from the department of Area Study Center at University of Balochistan tells, "The Gilgities and Baldistanies were having the strongest social system, they were united, they would have lived for thousands of year with the same system unless the current violence had erupt".

It's very hard to live in an area where you are not having any chance to survive due to the ferocious and barbaric phase of sectarian violence [the most dangerous form of terrorism]. Let's pray for the people of Gilgit Baldistan be safer. And this Muhram passes on with harmony and peace.
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