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Posts by bhos
Joined: Nov 29, 2012
Last Post: Dec 1, 2012
Threads: 1
Posts: 7  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 8
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bhos   
Dec 1, 2012
Undergraduate / Best Advice received? complaining about something you can control - ROUGH DRAFT [6]

REVISED! Two hours to submit
Any constructive criticism is welcome

Born in a home inundated with clutter, that it appeared as if I live in a disorganized storage unit, with all surfaces cluttered with items that had not been acknowledged in years obsolete for years. It dawned on me that the conditions that you are brought into the world are essentially the only predetermined factors in life. In an exasperated disposition I exclaimed, "I'm so tired of not having space to do my homework", as though I was entitled to such space. I am unable to recall her exact words, though my sister's response was similar to the message, "Don't complain about something you can control." This response, however not cryptic, had somehow woken me up. It was very unsettling to realize that, if I simply reached far enough, some of the solutions to my problems were actually tangible.

I immediately halted my complaints and began enlisting my unlimited resources to arrive at the most pertinent solution. The super glue and duct tape method were no longer feasible as solutions. My initial approach was sluggish, as I innately avoided all clutter with an arabesque here and spiral there, only to confide to my one haven; my bed. My research consisted of sneaking the Sunday Home Depot ads, returning them only when they appeared completely cookie-cut from the best deals. Drawing up lists of what needed to be done seemed to ebb the anxiety I felt from all the tasks. By looking at each item on it's own, I felt relieved by how manageable it all now seemed.

Revamping the house called for constant trips to the hardware store, a place I now had the urge to meander through. The employee's each had brevity of reluctance when my dad directed their attention to me; the miniature petite pre-teen girl who seemed inept to open even a lid. This was quickly replaced with a state of utter bafflement, as I proved my expertise with follow up questions stumping even them.

When the house had started to wane of all of the clutter, it was clear that the blatant the mess had fettered the whole mindset of the house. The vacant corners and exclusive spot in the garage to fit a car had become serene a sight. , with a My mom jokingly asks who or what was the culprit that spurred my 'busy body' attitude; my sister had merely suggested that I do the dishes. But that was it- those dishes were the first thing to check off of my list, and the satisfaction from doing it had created an appetite for improvement. I was no longer content by playing victim while being completely listless. Holding myself accountable before even thinking about vilifying another has evoked an appetite for self-improvement. There was nothing that fettered us to the conditions we were, or ever will be in. All I had to do was wane
bhos   
Nov 29, 2012
Undergraduate / Why I want to go To boston University undergraduate supplemental essay by Keyla rosa [3]

Although my GPA may not be to the standards of Boston University, I believe that I will be able to reach my full potential if I attend such a prestigious university. Rather than ignoring my schoolwork as I did my first three years in high school, if accepted, I will take advantage of the great academics and utilize them to help advance my career goals.

It is recommended that you do not provide reason for colleges to doubt you. If you don't have confidence in yourself why should they? If you wish to bring up your 'faults' (which you don't have to, because they can see that on your transcript) you should only do so if you provide valid reasons or circumstances explaining them, rather than coming off as lazy by using an excuse.

The rest of your essay was sound, I would jus highly recommend taking or revising that part.
bhos   
Nov 29, 2012
Undergraduate / 'No Short cuts'- apply Texas topic B; downfall of Lance Armstrong [4]

Providing the writing prompt may make it easier to help!

I liked the story and enjoyed the meaning behind it, yet I feel as though you should focus more on yourself since this is a personal statement. Your commentary on Lance did provide your own perspective on the the situation. Showing your prospective let's the reader know you can look at things from a different view, yet the bulk of it simply provided his struggles rather than your own.

However that may be what the prompt is asking for? (unclear)
bhos   
Nov 29, 2012
Undergraduate / Appeals of Learning - FSU essay; Anatole's France (French poet) quote [6]

The first paragraph is too much of a "telling not showing". It seems you are pointing out your perks instead of providing examples for the reader to be able to distinguish these themselves. Consider moving the points in your introduction to your concluding paragraph, as they are still good things to point out.

As I bega n to mature,
From a very young age, I strived to be the best at everything

you're restatement of
From a very young age
As I begin to mature
Throughout my young life
seems redundant. Although essays aren't exactly looking for the most unique writing structure, varying your sentence and not starting each sentence with essentially the same meaning might be beneficial.

These are just little critiques! The meaning and message you're trying to convey is written well!
bhos   
Nov 29, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'soul-searching and life experience' - SAT Essay (1-12) [3]

This was a very well written essay in the sense that it included so many examples. A tip I was told was to try and vary sentence structure more that once, whether it be

:colons
;semi-colons
-- dashes
in order to emphasize points and prove that you are able to seamlessly include it in your writing. I would say this could turn a 4 essay into a 5

What I rate your essay: 5 with sound use of examples
bhos   
Nov 29, 2012
Undergraduate / Best Advice received? complaining about something you can control - ROUGH DRAFT [6]

What is the best advice you've ever received and why is it important?

I Understand this is a rough ROUGH scattered brained draft but I just want some critquing on it if I should even bother continuing with it or scratch it and try a new angle?

ANY insight would be helpful
1. grammer
2. rewording sentences
3. revising the order of things
4. specifying and providing more examples?
5. stronger conclusion section

The conditions that you were brought into the world in are really the only predetermined things. I was brought up into the same house I am currently in, yet the state was much different. It was like living in a disorganized storage unit, with all surfaces cluttered with items that hadn't been acknowledged in years. I was the youngest and felt like a victim to this mess no one wanted confront. It was increasingly becoming the source of many arguments, and disrupted daily life. For no particular reason I exclaimed, "I'm so sick of not having space to do my homework", as though I was entitled to that space. I couldn't quote it, but my sister's response was something along the lines of "Don't complain about something you can control." This response, not groundbreaking by any means, had somehow woken me up. It was very unsettling to realize that, if I just reached far enough, I could grasp at least some of the solutions to my problems.

I quickly stopped complaining, and started using my limited resources to find the most (efficient solutions) . The super glue and duct tape method were not longer ( ) as solutions and were short lived.

The employees at Home Depot looked confused as to why my dad directed their assistance to me. They seemed completely baffled when I mentioned specific product numbers and follow up questions research could only account () to. As though a toddler were not only speaking but also understanding Newton's Third Law.The weekly ads to hardware stores had been cookie cut before the rest of my family was even able to see them. I had submerged myself into the world of (mechanics) in order to maneuver through it.

The hardest part was strategically breaking down what needed to be done, literally from the ground up, into one lengthy overwhelming list. I then re-evaluated what I was able to accomplish on my own, and began projects.

(Example of projects?)
My main concern was not interrupting or imposing this list on anyone, as it seemed to make everyone uneasy. I no longer troubled myself with resenting the shortcomings of others from their excuses or even valid complaints. I only held myself accountable for the things I deemed myself capable of doing, with hopes that others will recognize and follow .

My mom jokingly asks 'whose to blame' for my (active) attempt . Although the intent of the advice was just to get me to simply get me to stop complaining, it changed my perspective on almost every situation. I'd understood the need for achievement, academic or otherwise, yet I'd get lost in way to pursue it. I felt only limitations, but now I can establish what I have control of, and actually more forward. I've grown a knack to constantly look for improvements, starting in myself. I don't think I'll ever truly stop revising that to-do list, as there is a certain satisfaction when I or someone else cross something off.
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