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Posts by icanfly1
Joined: Dec 4, 2012		 Last Post: Jan 6, 2013
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Posts: 8  
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From: United States of America

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icanfly1   
Jan 6, 2013
Undergraduate / Chemistry major/LSA curriculum ; Unique qualities @UMichigan [2]

You can just say you like chemistry in one sentence, instead of telling them a story that doesn't really have a deep meaning.

Unnecessary

The diverse number of programs and research opportunities at Michigan's College of Literature, Science and Arts, would allow me to explore my interest in chemistry and other disciplines as I complete my pre-medicine requirements.

I'm pretty sure 99.9999% of the applicants write that same statement with respect to their nature. Be an iconoclast!

A past program,

a past program? So it doesn't exist anymore?

a suitable atmosphere

Change. Not suitable. More like exceptional. You're implicitly disparaging them.

You need a LOT more work on this essay. A lot of generic facts. Go on their chemistry page and find out your interests under their offered concentrations. Find something unique that not many people would put on their essay. Then, with their programs, you can connect it to yourself. Like the SERVE opportunity; it describes your inclination to give back to the community.
icanfly1   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Urban/Intimate/Diverse community/Excellent academic reputation ;BU- Good fit [9]

he said he regretted not applying to BU

Fix up.

A few years later, upon deciding where to apply, Boston University came to mind.

I know thatWith BU as my campus, I will paint my future at the stroke of my wrist.BU is my campus, at the stroke of my wrist, I will paint my future .

As for the word count, try removing adjectives. Otherwise this is a much better revision!
icanfly1   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Puke sky? Carnegie Mellon Supplementary Essay [11]

yet fascinated by t he descriptions of building more houses

And upon having the opportunity of learning economics as I entered the IB diploma program in 11th grade, was when I developed into a passion for economics.

but also emphasized and celebrated the diverse

that would facilitate greater understanding of both subjects and give me a cutting edge to the average undergraduate economics degree

Sounds funny. Try cleaning it up.

The steep slope of improvement in my grades throughout high school demonstrates maturation and focus.

Sounds a tad bit pretentious.

Thus, I believe the prestigious economics program at Carnegie Mellon University is the perfect next step in my pursuit of economics .

Redundancy lol

rom acknowledgement and celebration of the relevance of economics to the vast innovative and research opportunities, I would be truly honored to attend Carnegie Mellon University.

Best conclusion I've seen in a while. End with a BANG!!

Loved your essay. Read it out loud, and fix any awkward phrases. Otherwise, it's fabulous.

Hope you get in!
icanfly1   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Urban/Intimate/Diverse community/Excellent academic reputation ;BU- Good fit [9]

I knew that I loved the city

Doesn't fit in with the fact of why you would apply to BU as opposed to colleges in NYC like NYU.
*edit* I know what you mean. You should say that you want your college experience to be in an URBAN area. Confusing grammar.

The cityof Boston has an urban atmosphere, but yet still intimate

I know that the diverse student body and BU's excellent academic reputation will be able to provide me with opportunities that are not available at any other university

Sounds way too generic.

This is the school for me because it stands for what I believe in-the pursuit of knowledge

This is your closing statement, not the transition statement from two paragraphs.

BU has a credible, experienced faculty ready to guide their students to a multi-media world.

If their staff wasn't credible, then they should get fired lololol.

So here's the problem: you're explaining to BU about their own programs. They want you to connect your interests, and see if it matches their offered courses. Go to BU's website and look critically at each and every opportunity, and find the unique points Boston features that no other top 50 university has. Make references to your character. Just remember that BU wants to know WHO you are, not what you think THEY are. Good luck! Still have two more days.
icanfly1   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Unorthodox spin on common practices ; Stanford/ What matters and why? [2]

respected physicists such as

. Colleagues thought Einstein turned mad when he proposed that light was simply something that can be bent by gravity, respected physicist such as Robert Hooke bashed Newton because the idea of an invisible force pulling everything toward one point was outlandish and mathematicians such as Michel Rolle labeled Newton's creation, differential calculus, as a "collection of ingenious fallacies."

This sentence sounds funny. I really think you should read your essay out loud and erase all awkward phrases.

Some of these people died waiting.

Unnecessary

innovationsInnovators

a controversial novel

You're implying that Moby Dick is controversial? I would think Moby Dick is just a boring read.

I will support my findings, with a level head, with every fiber of my being and stand up for what I believe in.

Again, I think you should re-read what you wrote out loud. But I think your essay is excellent. Just a few spots to clean up and you'll be fine.

Good luck with Stanford!
icanfly1   
Dec 4, 2012
Undergraduate / Common App; The summer of a lifetime: 'the title flashed at me as I read the newspaper' [3]

My mentors were so impressed with my effort , results and progress in programming that they made special effort

Should change that.

[quote=johnsonjazism]10 days spent learning about programming, genetics, and mice; 10 days of my dream job.

Overall, your response really shows enthusiasm for your field. Just change these errors and you'll be fine.
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