Posts by tissuetearer

tissuetearer

Dec 15, 2012

Undergraduate / Princeton Summer - I participated in volunteer trips to the asylums in the city [3]

"I felt the joy of learning overwhelm my heart"
^ a little cheesy. Try rephrasing this differently or saying it in a way so that the reader feels what you feel without you saying it. That's incredibly hard to you, but then again, so are writing good essays.

"correction of misconceptions"
^ a little vague. anything revelations of significant interesting?

I liked your take on the Opinionator! Interesting~

"The American soul has contradictions"
^ How so? What are some of these contradictions?

always trys to.. (second to last line, last paragraph)

Otherwise, this is an extremely well written essay! Good job and good luck!

If you get the chance, could you please read, comment, and critique my engineering essay? I would really appreciate it. Thanks!

tissuetearer

Dec 15, 2012

Undergraduate / Penn "Engage Academically"- Engineering (Computer Science) [10]

I agree with the rest. Try focusing more on yourself, and not as much the courses.

"One class I look forward to taking, "Intro to Human Language Technology", not only teaches you the Wordnet Processor for Voice Recognition but also its applications in modern-day technology"

^ the adcom already knows what the class is about - what they are interested is what YOU are going to get out of it. What are your goals and aspirations for the future? How will these classes help you get there. Don't convince them you need uPenn to succeed, convince them that uPenn needs YOU to succeed. Remember, passion > wisdom, esp with ivy leagues.

"can be used to help the Penn community"
^ That's really vague. How are you going to help uPenn? They don't want to hear theories of "helping people" - they hear that ALL THE TIME, they want to hear concrete plans. "i want to do this, this, this, etc." (don't list like I did, explain it a little..)

Otherwise, you have a pretty decent essay! Good luck~

If you get the chance, could you read and comment on my engineering essay? I would really appreciate it.

tissuetearer

Dec 15, 2012

Undergraduate / Boom Boom. Boom Boom. / What intrigues you? NYU [7]

I agree with the rest. What makes the heart special? Technically, the brain controls the heart and cardiac rhythms, so your "boom" argument is a teeny bit flawed there. So, what does the heart mean to you? Think about that first moment of inspiration that you found out about the heart - what happened? how did you feel?

If you get a chance, please review my engineering essay!

tissuetearer

Dec 15, 2012

Undergraduate / Research, innovation, and creativity; Harvard/Yale/Princeton;Generic why Engineering? [9]

The third paragraph refers to the last line of my second:
"To that end, I have made it a point to study as many different fields as possible."

I've wanted to show that I'm more substance than just theory.

tissuetearer

Dec 15, 2012

Undergraduate / Research, innovation, and creativity; Harvard/Yale/Princeton;Generic why Engineering? [9]

Alright,. I'll try to think of something "more gentle". or maybe try rephrasing the sentence. Thanks!

tissuetearer

Dec 15, 2012

Undergraduate / Simplest things are often the Catalysts of Development;Intellectual Vitality-Stanford [4]

Cut the first paragraph; start directly with the story. Don't tell the adcom that this event has had an influence on you; they already know that, because otherwise, you wouldn't be writing about it. And if anything, the first line, "The simplest things are often the catalysts of even greater developments", would go somewhere in the conclusion.

Your second paragraph starts out a bit verbose. I have compressed a little, so you get an idea what I mean.
Every Friday, my youth service group helps out around the community; on this particular week, we visited a women's homeless shelter.

"What was going on in this world that not all children were able to experience the simple joys of an orange?"
^ NO. Rhetorical questions = bad. (for college apps, at least)

This heartbreakingly beautiful girl, because of unfortunate circumstances that were no fault of her own, would not be able to enjoy the comfort of a warm house, swaddled in comforters, the juices from an orange dripping down her chin.

^ This is too ideal and easy to say - thus, most applicants who genuinely mean it (or not) will say it. To be unique, and to get into Stanford, you need to be different. I know this is supposed to be the intellectual essay and whatnot, but right now, you're just saying what you felt. You need the adcom to FEEL what you felt, without you saying it. More description, less analysis.

She spurred me then to be able to bring joy to those in seemingly hopeless circumstances.
^ you don't need to say this. Actions speak louder than words.

I am channeling this energy into Hope Johns Creek youth orchestra, of which I am proud to be a founding member. Through the activities of this orchestra, I have been able to get a head start on my dream, as we have raised over $4000 to donate by giving performances.

^ very wordy. I have compressed it a bit below.
I am a founding member of the Hope Johns Creek youth orchestra, which has raised over $4000 for [insert cause here].

Also, talk less about the experience and more about what you have done after it. If its the only thing you've done, then just expand on the orchestra - the challenges, struggles, whatnot. And connect your essay back to the beginning. It's okay to talk about your dreams, but don't forget about the "beautiful girl". How does she fit in? For ex. did the money you raised help her? If faced with a similar challenge today, what would you do differently? etc. Also, you emphasized oranges at the beginning, and how they've been so crucial, but by the end, you kind of forget about that too.

Thanks for looking at my essay. I was originally thinking of using "splice", but I thought cut was a bit more positive. But if not cut, then what do you suggest?

tissuetearer

Dec 15, 2012

Undergraduate / Research, innovation, and creativity; Harvard/Yale/Princeton;Generic why Engineering? [9]

Topic: the generic - why Engineering and why this school?

I was eight years old the first time I saw a heart pulse. Watching my grandfather cut into the child's chest was unlike anything that I had ever seen; it wasn't like the movies. As the only surgeon in a hundred miles, my grandfather was the only person that people could turn to, and they often did so in the middle of the night. On this night, the patient was a five year old boy, who was slowly dying from an invasive lung infection. His struggle for breath haunted me, even as he received anesthesia. I remember comparing my grandfather's dexterous, supple movements to those I imagined of Leonardo da Vinci. The care he exercised was not the work of a scientist; it was the magic of an artist. This was his life, and it will be mine as well.

Medicine is not just knowledge, academic ability, or even practical skill - it's about having a passion and love for what you do. It's about sacrificing sleep and comfort to make others' lives more comfortable. It's about commitment - not just to society but to self; to ethics, to morals. Watching my grandfather operate taught me that medicine is much like art in that both utilize the highest forms of creativity. As suggested by Raphael's "School of Athens," designing medical technology requires the brotherly union of scientific precision and artistic creativity. Scientists have created the basic machines found in hospitals around the globe; it is now the artist's job to innovate and redesign biomedical technology, making it faster, more precise, and increasingly accessible. To that end, I have made it a point to study as many different fields as possible.

I have researched molecular biology and volunteered in hospitals, but I have also published a book of poems and taught third world students how to paint. I've reveled in ancient marvels, including temples such as the Taj Mahal and palaces like the Red Fort, meticulously studied the architecture, and explored the connections between art, science, form, and mathematics. I have obsessed over mathematics such as the Mandelbrot set that seamlessly blends beauty with calculations for infinity. Like my grandfather's gift for the art of medicine, the architecture of ancient world played with geometry and dĂŠcor, and the greatest mathematicians mixed numbers with aesthetics.

Yale's engineering program appeals to me because not only does it encourage research, innovation, and creativity, it is the only program that actually grows with me and demands a broad curriculum, incorporating more than just the sciences. I plan to imbue my medical biotechnology studies with courses in Art History, Medieval History, and Literature; knowing where the sciences were born is the key to their continued expansion. I plan to sharpen my creative talents and apply them to the sciences because I want to always push the envelope of theory and practicality. I want to make sure that the connection between my academic abilities and my soul is always strong. Students of human nature will always make the best inventors, and I've been studying humanity for as long as I can remember