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Posts by atowns95
Joined: Dec 25, 2012
Last Post: Dec 26, 2012
Threads: 2
Posts: 3  
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From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 5
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atowns95   
Dec 26, 2012
Undergraduate / Personal Statement- "the founding of a new university in Africa" [2]

This is the one all colleges can see so be brutal.

I knew I was experiencing something special as I sat in that board meeting situated on the outskirts of Accra, Ghana. Jet-lagged, hungry, and with the worst case of heartburn ever, I stared intently at Patrick Awuah, the founder of Ashesi University. My uncle, along with the rest of the board members, had come from all around the world to outline the next 5 years of educational future for this young liberal arts college. And although no one was talking except Patrick, I could feel the room saturating with a heightened level of intellectualism. In that room, I was sitting among giants.

"I'd like to now open the panel for open forum discussion. If anyone has a comment or concern about Ashesi, please feel free. I want to hear it all", Patrick said.

Everyone except me immediately flung up their hands. I felt awkward because I had nothing to contribute to the conversation. Still, I focused on keeping up as the discussion ranged from curriculum, to athletics, to campus social life. After three exhilarating hours, Patrick summed up the economic feasibility of the ideas. I sat at the table thinking,

"Here are individuals setting a higher standard for education in Africa. This college is only six years old yet it's already impacting the rising generation of Ghanaians."

Never before had I seen such a raw, pure example of people in power making choices that would change the world. I stumbled out of that room hearing the ideas from that intense discussion rattle the inside of my skull. Where will Ashesi be in 20 years? What will Ghana be like in 20 years? How can I do something with this much impact? I felt a sense of satisfaction and fulfillment after witnessing that debate. I was roused to do something that mattered for myself and others.

I went back to Los Angeles and found that something. My love for politics evolved into political activism, working phone banks for the Crenshaw/South L.A. campaign office in Barack Obama's 2012 presidential campaign. Every Saturday of October and November, I made the journey to that small "hustle-bustle" office on Crenshaw Boulevard. Sitting at my cubicle with my headset and list of contacts to call, I spoke to people from communities all over Los Angeles County. And every time I made a contact with a new person and persuaded them to vote this election, I felt that same sense of satisfaction and fulfillment that I'd experienced in Ghana. The only difference was, rather than admiring the dynamic change made by others, I was making the dynamic change myself. I was influencing the voter turnout of America's 2012 presidential election.

My experience in Africa ignited my desire to make an impact. My participation in the South L.A. campaign office magnified my desire into political activism. But I want to go further. I want to increase my skill set to expand far beyond operating phone banks that increase voter turnout. I want to make an impact that will change the world. Can you help me do that?
atowns95   
Dec 26, 2012
Undergraduate / Let your life speak/ Swim team community; WHY Tufts? [6]

Your writing is good. Here are my suggestions.

Your first paragraph doesn't really convey to me what you felt about swimming. Did you hat that you were forced to join swim because of your mom? Was it this fact that made you uncomfortable (you didn't want to be there therefore you felt like everyone was watching you).

Also this sentence To make matters worse, I suddenly froze with fear at the deep end of the pool while doing my first lap.. I definitely think you can use some sort of imagery here. It sounds like you felt like an iceberg floating in the water.

One more thing. This sentence Through swim team I have become more responsible and have realized that nothing great comes without effort. doesn't do anything for your essay. It felt like you tried to squeeze it in at the end to give it more meaning, but in fact, it blunts the main focus of your essay.
atowns95   
Dec 26, 2012
Undergraduate / SA 50 on 50 in a history test!; TANFORD- learning to learn (intellectual vitality) [4]

Your first paragraph has some minor grammar errors
50 out of 50 on the history test! I was ecstatic. In the 7th grade?, I had successfully memorized every little detail the pages of our textbook held on Mughal history, right from the precise number of stones used to build the Taj Mahal to the color of 13 year old Akbar's boxers the day he made his first arrest- an unruly courtier. Once I was done boasting and rubbing it in my fiend's faces, however, I felt no different from the boy I was before the exam. I had another A+ to add to the long string of identical letters on my report card and another full score to my name and yet, intellectually, I felt the same.

The latter part of your essay is coherent, well written, flows well, and has good significance. I know someone personally on Stanford's admissions board. They want essay exactly like this.
atowns95   
Dec 25, 2012
Undergraduate / "Boys dont play with dolls"/ Tufts supp/ Unwritten rules of society [6]

Sports, science, and society are filled with rules, theories, and laws like the Ninth Commandment, PV=nRT, Occam's Razor, and The Law of Diminishing Returns. Three strikes and you're out. "I" before "E" except after "C." Warm air rises. Pick one and explain its significance to you.

"Can I have, four 8-piece chicken mcnuggets, three cokes and one sprite, and sides of barbeque sauce for all of those" said my Dad, yelling at the voice box

"That'll be 32.57!", yelled the voice box back.

My father and I were stopping at McDonalds to pick up some food for myself and my cousins back home. I was still young enough to like chicken nuggets, but more importantly, I was still young enough to expect my toy at fast-food restaurants. When the lady handed over our bag of food, I fished for my toy, pulling it out of the paper bag violently to play with it. I was surprised to find it so different from my other toys. It had long blonde hair, a slender figure, and purple a dress. It was a doll. But I didn't know that. To me, it was a disguised ninja destined to fight off the evil, invisible air-people. My dad saw it differently. All he could see in the mirror of his car, was his 4-year-old son, ignorantly happy about playing with a Barbie doll. Only five minutes passed before my father pulled over the car, confiscated my new doll, and replaced it with one of the power rangers already in the car. His justification for this vile and unusual punishment was this: "Boys aren't supposed to play with dolls. They're supposed to play with action figures."

I didn't understand this rule back then, and I still don't understand it to this day. How does society define what is considered "feminine" and what is considered "masculine"? I'm almost 18 years old, and I still don't see the cataclysmic difference between dolls and action figures besides the names "dolls" and "action figures". And where did all these all rules come from? That moment made me think about all the other social occurrences and differences between males and females. For example, why is it socially acceptable for little girls to cry when the fall on the ground, but not so much for little boys? If a boy were to trip and fall, possibly scrape his knee, parents would care for the child but not as tenderly had he been a girl. Why is it that boys are expected to ask girls out instead of vice versa? No biological evidence can prove why a girl can't ask out a boy on a date. And yet, society expects girls to wait for guys to make the first move. Child development is weird. Society outlines a list of expectations for both genders, but not once, does it explain the reasons for these rules. They're just accepted and passed on through the generations.
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