Undergraduate / Member of Tiger Woods Learning Center; Gates Millennium: Community Involvement [2]

Hello, please take a look at my essay. All advice/feedback/criticism is welcomed. Be brutal, but sincere. I feel like my essay is a bit too boring and non descriptive. What do you guys this?

Discuss your involvement in and contributions to a community near your home, school or elsewhere. Please select an experience different from the one you discussed in the previous question, even if this experience also involved leadership. What did you accomplish? How did this experience influence your goals?

Being a true leader consists involvement in not only one area of your life, but several. For the last 5 years of my life, I have been a member of the Tiger Woods Learning Center, a local afterschool academic enrichment and tutoring program, and I have reaped many of its benefits. Last January, I became an official volunteer at the center, and had the opportunity to help younger students the same way I was helped when I was their age. Even though my official volunteer duties ended in March, I am still an active member of the center, and am recognized by many of the younger members.

To me, the Tiger Woods Learning Center was an academic haven that fostered my academic success and other characteristics. Since I first became a member of the center, I had received academic assistance in a multitude of way from the center. For example, the academic support team at the Tiger Woods Learning Center was essential to my academic prevalence when I faced challenging problems. Their team had specialists in every subject that I could safely rely on whenever I needed extra support. Therefore, it was very natural for me to become a volunteer; I wanted to provide younger children the same support that was provided to me.

During my time as a volunteer, I tutored children in the subjects of math and science. I believe that I have made impact on the scholastic achievements of several members. In particular, there was a student, Daniela, who was struggling in her Algebra 1 course. Often times, I would spend one or two hours helping her complete her assignments. At the end of my term, Daniela shared with me that she had brought her grade up from a D to a B and was on track to earn an A by the end of her semester. Knowing that I helped Daniela and other children improve not just their math and science grades, but also their general studying habits provide me with a sense of fulfillment that has inspired me to become a lifelong contributor to my community.

As an engineer, I hope to contribute to our communities through my creations and inventions. I can now clearly see the way that I can use engineering to progress and benefits our societies. More importantly though, It is clear to me that by studying engineering and applied sciences I can eliminate barriers that will allow other individuals to progress our homes and communities even more so.

Undergraduate / My father worked in a graveyard for my heavenly dreams; Princeton/Influential Person [5]

Hello, I am in dire need of constructive criticism on this essay. I have included included the prompt and my response. I believe that my second to last paragraph is weak and my conclusion is terrible. All feed back is appreciated! Also, I am 72 words over the suggested length so deletions are welcomed!

________ = place holders

Option 1 - Tell us about a person who has influenced you in a significant way.

About once week I have the pleasure of shaking hands with the most influential man in my life - my father. For the last year and a half, my father has worked a "graveyard" shift to support my heavenly dreams. Never has he imposed upon my will his own desires, but rather provided me support and encouragement for my own endeavors. To him I owe my academic prevalence, leadership, and analytical mindset.

There seems to been an endless fight between my father and adversity. Misfortune has struck my father with strength on various occasions, but he has always recovered. When his own father left him, at the age of ____, in charge of his 11 siblings and an aging mother, he fed them. When he had to support not only our family, but also the family of my alcoholic uncle, he supported it. When his business went bankrupt and we almost lost our home, he saved it. Throughout my adolescence, my father has served as a prime example of leadership and has deeply embedded it within my own character. His wise words and inspiring experiences have fostered my leadership fruitfully.

My father's ability to prevail under severe circumstances derives from his ability to learn - a trait I have inherited _______. He constantly uses education as a source from which he draws upon to fabricate solutions to his problems. When his father left him, he apprenticed a carpenter. When he immigrated to America, he went to electrician and mechanic school. Even now, as he recovers from bankruptcy, he works as a CNC machinist in the evening and studies advanced CNC programing codes in the afternoons. My father constantly reminds me of the importance of an education. He has, on numerous occasions throughout my childhood, illustrated the versatility, power, and beauty, knowledge possess and has taught me to take full fledge advantage of it and other educational opportunities.

Perhaps the most significant influence my father has had on my life, he contributed unknowingly. Before I was born, my father had established his own successful carpentry company. As a carpenter, one must lay out all the steps associated with a task, analyze each component carefully, and then intricately coordinate the arrangement of said components in a way that effectively completes a project. Unknowingly, my father had been practicing analytical thinking since he was a small boy, and raised me to think in a similar way. As a child, my father never solved my problems. Instead, he would walk me through an analytical process in which we broke down my problems piece by piece until I had a solid understanding of the situation. Then, he would gently guide my thoughts as I conjured a solution on my own. The repetition of this process an analytical thinker, and untethered me from the restraints our problems often impose on us. This mindset has undoubtedly been of great service as I have faced my own problems in life, and I am confident it will continue being of service as I venture into adulthood and my career.

As I proceed into college life, I am grateful for everything I have learned from my father. My leadership, analytical thought process, and drive for academia will never cease to exist. I anticipate employing these characteristics at Princeton, and being a positive addition to the campus.