Hello, please take a look at my essay. All advice/feedback/criticism is welcomed. Be brutal, but sincere. I feel like my essay is a bit too boring and non descriptive. What do you guys this?
Discuss your involvement in and contributions to a community near your home, school or elsewhere. Please select an experience different from the one you discussed in the previous question, even if this experience also involved leadership. What did you accomplish? How did this experience influence your goals?
Being a true leader consists involvement in not only one area of your life, but several. For the last 5 years of my life, I have been a member of the Tiger Woods Learning Center, a local afterschool academic enrichment and tutoring program, and I have reaped many of its benefits. Last January, I became an official volunteer at the center, and had the opportunity to help younger students the same way I was helped when I was their age. Even though my official volunteer duties ended in March, I am still an active member of the center, and am recognized by many of the younger members.
To me, the Tiger Woods Learning Center was an academic haven that fostered my academic success and other characteristics. Since I first became a member of the center, I had received academic assistance in a multitude of way from the center. For example, the academic support team at the Tiger Woods Learning Center was essential to my academic prevalence when I faced challenging problems. Their team had specialists in every subject that I could safely rely on whenever I needed extra support. Therefore, it was very natural for me to become a volunteer; I wanted to provide younger children the same support that was provided to me.
During my time as a volunteer, I tutored children in the subjects of math and science. I believe that I have made impact on the scholastic achievements of several members. In particular, there was a student, Daniela, who was struggling in her Algebra 1 course. Often times, I would spend one or two hours helping her complete her assignments. At the end of my term, Daniela shared with me that she had brought her grade up from a D to a B and was on track to earn an A by the end of her semester. Knowing that I helped Daniela and other children improve not just their math and science grades, but also their general studying habits provide me with a sense of fulfillment that has inspired me to become a lifelong contributor to my community.
As an engineer, I hope to contribute to our communities through my creations and inventions. I can now clearly see the way that I can use engineering to progress and benefits our societies. More importantly though, It is clear to me that by studying engineering and applied sciences I can eliminate barriers that will allow other individuals to progress our homes and communities even more so.
I do like your essay, but it just seems too simple. My favorite part was the second to last paragraph because you gave a personal example. You also have to find a way to describe how good you feel helping others. I feel like you're on track, you just need to add some more speficic emotions for how you feel for the program and and in what have you personaly gained, not academically. If you need an example for what i mean, there are sample essays from past winners online.
If you can please quickly read my gates essay. I just need to know if my topic is strong.
Thanks!
