Posts by Chris1395

Chris1395

Jan 6, 2013

Scholarship / "Words to Remember"; Scholarship Essay - The Best Advice [4]

The prompt for this essay is: "Discuss the most important piece of advice you have ever received and explain its effect on your life." I found this to be a pretty hard essay to write, as I think after a while I just started rambling, but I'm hoping all information is relevant. It must be under 500 words and this is over 377...I know I should probably add a little more...but I'm at a standstill. Any advice or editing is very much appreciated!!!

"Words to Remember"

I sat down at the first computer in the row in my journalism classroom. Pressing the power button, I began to wait patiently for the old computer to power up as I do every day. To occupy myself for a few minutes I turned to discuss the day with my journalism teacher. She asked me how my search for the perfect college was going, and I told her that I'm almost finished with applications. Then, she asked me what I will be majoring in, and I responded with Political Science, as I have known that would be my chosen major for the past two years. That was when she looked me straight in the eye and said "When you're sitting there in Washington, or wherever you may be, just always remember where you came from and what you stand for."

This advice was recent, yet I find myself pondering it often. I see modern politics today, whether through reading a news clip from CNN or watching an hour of C-SPAN, and I realize that there is not a piece of advice more suitable for politically adept students like myself. I believe that many politicians enter Washington DC, their state legislatures, or even their city halls, truly trying to make a difference and adequately represent the will of the people. However, I don't always think that's what leaves. They forget the grassroots that propelled them to where they are now. Instead of doing what's best for their people, they do what is best for their political gain. Not that I believe that every politician is corrupt, but unfortunately, there are definitely those that have succumbed to the pressure.

This advice has also already proven to be useful in high school. For leaders, pressures are everywhere, and the past few years have been no concession. I have discovered through various leadership positions that you are never going to be able to please everyone, which is why I think it is important to remember that second part of my teacher's advice, remembering what you stand for. I faced many decisions where I knew I was going to upset one group or the other, and when I made these sorts of decisions, I always return to my roots.

What could I add to this, or should I? Thanks for reading this!

Chris1395

Dec 27, 2012

Undergraduate / I had grown onstage; Common app/Significant Event/Experience [2]

This is pretty good! This is obviously not something that every student would write about, as not everyone has grown through music. You clearly addressed the prompt as well. The only things I can point out are some minor grammar mistake (but I'm not expert).

The art of performance is beautiful. (After this sentence, maybe something like "I love the ability to captivate audiences and open their
minds to my own personal passions and talents; I consider it a great gift.", vs. that sentence --> just a suggestion. What you have will also work) The ability to captivate audiences and open their

minds to your own personal passions and talents is an amazing gift.~~To me,~~ there is no better
feeling than standing in front of an audience and performing, which makes it no surprise ~~to know~~
that I have pursued many different forms of performance throughout my life. I have sung (I thought it was sang, but you probably know better than I) at

elementary school winter concerts, acted in various Shakespeare plays, danced the different
genres of ballet and jazz, and gave speeches as a part of student leadership. The best thing about these activities was
that I was good at them . They allowed me the opportunity to excel and be in control.However, at the beginning of high school, I

decided to take part in a new form of performance; o ne that would challenge the thriving
confidence I had grown accustomed to onstage.

I had come to my school's band camp because many of my friends were involved in
music, though I~~myself~~ wasn't too musically inclined. ~~After all,~~ I had only played piano for two years,
and a piano wasn't much use on a marching band field. Regardless of my obvious lack of
musical talent, the staff leaded me in and I gladly followed. I was put on the marimba, a wood
keyboard instrument similar to the xylophone. It was completely alien to me. There was so much that I had
to learn: how to read the dots and lines on the paper in front of me, how to properly hold the
oddly shaped sticks in my hands, how to play soft...and loud! I was completely out of my
element, something I was not ~~very~~ accustomed to, and didn't like ~~at all~~ initially. However, the
instructors' patience with me, careful criticism, and the beckoning of the all-powerful
performance kept me in place and I continued to persevere in times of uncertainty and
embarrassment.

Four years later, I continue to learn and be amazed at the power of not only performance,
but music. I have worked my way up from a stumbling, unsure freshman to a senior in charge
of his/her section. Today, while I'm confident in my abilities as a musician and performer, I know
that there is much more left to learn, and I'm willing and ready to (continue to fill my cup of musical knowledge?)~~learn it~~ . Because of my

experiences in the marching band, I have become a better role model to not only the incoming
students of the band, but also to my peers and siblings as I encourage them to work hard through
the doubts, and to take the risks. Being pushed out of my element into a world of things I didn't
know opened up my mind to the possibilities, and I have discovered not only a passion for
performance, but a passion for learning new things and doing things I never thought possible.

Some of the suggestions I put in here are completely up to you, as you may not even like them! I remember when I was doing my Common Application. I thought it was the most stressful of all because it was going to all colleges I applied to. Best of luck!!!

Chris1395

Dec 27, 2012

Undergraduate / Not a singular word - So where is Waldo, really? University of Chicago Extended Paper. [6]

Rosekareen

Thank you! Their essay prompts just kind of drove me crazy for months. I literally spent the whole application season pondering my application to the university. Disappointed in myself, I was actually about to make the decision not to apply because I obviously didn't have the creativity they were looking for, when this idea popped into my head about a week ago. Somehow, I managed to roll with it, and now I'm so glad I submitted an application. I sincerely appreciate your comments :)

Chris1395

Dec 27, 2012

Undergraduate / Make a difference/ Kids/ Hospital; Stanford Supp: What matters/why?/ Volunteering [4]

I would be happy to! I'm the editor of the school newspaper at my school, so I'm really used to editing. I've been doing it so long it's almost fun now. Also, I would really appreciate "likes" of my comments (so I can feature one of my essays, lol!) Anyway, hope I helped here as well:

Tears begin to abruptly cascade down my cheeks ~~abruptly~~ as a look of chagrin spreads across my face;m y arms flail in a rhythmic sequence. On cue, I force the tears to stop spilling. One, two, three - it is time for the snide retort. I am May, a homeless schizophrenic from Eastern Standard.

During the first semester of my junior year, I took an acting class as an elective. I was a member of the D rama C lub while in middle school, and I expected this to be a cinch. What I didn't expect was for the class to spur an in-depth exploration of cognition and behavior. After a month of acting games, the class was given the first assignment: to pick a partner and memorize a scene from a list of plays to perform in a month. Among all the other characters, May was the chaotic, vivacious persona who would give me the greatest challenge.

In the midst of the month leading up to the performance, I recalled a paper I had written for a math team contest.T he paper was about the syntax behind various forms of cryptography. A bell went off in my head. What if I were to combine the two principles of behavioral neurology and cryptography? The most obvious combination seemed to be artificial intelligence, but I had a distinct approach in mind. What if I were to apply the principles of artificial intelligence to myself, except in reverse? I tried to figure out how a mentally healthy individual could perfectly mimic the abnormal actions typically caused by intricate gene sequencing and motor neurons.

It is fascinating how a mere play scene can shed light on the interdisciplinary nature of learning for me. Instead of just approaching the assignment as a basic exercise in performing, I dug deeper into the rudimentary buildup of my character. In turn, I was able to develop a greater interest in cognition.

This is pretty interesting. I think the Ad Com will be rather impressed with the knowledge you display. Once again, best of luck! Stanford was not one of the schools I applied to (I want to be a cold and shivering Northeasterner, ha!) so I sincerely hope that you are accepted.

Chris1395

Dec 27, 2012

Undergraduate / Make a difference/ Kids/ Hospital; Stanford Supp: What matters/why?/ Volunteering [4]

I did not need the extra volunteer hours - Stuyvesant (Is this a high school?)does not require them; I had a collective 250 hours of volunteering over the previous two summers. I could have found a paying job, and I most definitely could have caught up on sleep. But what mattered to me was achieving self-fulfillment by making a difference. I would be lying if I said that I never reconsidered volunteering at NY Presbyterian Hospital five days a week for over a month of the summer. There were moments during my hour and a half long rides to the hospital when I felt as if I could be doing something far more productive-- even beneficial-- to myself. The smiles I managed to bring to the patients' faces made up for all of that.

I never had any problems with being sociable, so working with kids throughout the summer felt like a no-brainer. I could have done the summer camp counselor route again, but as an aspiring doctor, the opportunity to shadow doctors while being a child life assistant in the Pediatrics Emergency Department was more exciting. Some days we would get patients close to my own age:sometimes those who attempted suicide or were stranded by friends after having alcohol poisoning. Those patients would rarely want to converse with a professional and seemed to feel more comfortable in my or the other volunteers' presence. I will always remember the two ~~unbelievably~~ adorable girls who had been hit by a taxi while crossing the street for a summer camp trip. I ended up spending two hours with them playing Monopoly and Life. When the time came for their x-ray scans, they begged the doctors to let me come with them.

Volunteering at a hospital may not look nearly as impressive as working on an Intel project or interning at a law firm, but that doesn't matter to me. I was satisfied with my summer because I had helped with something bigger than myself. I had contributed to vastly improving the experiences of the children and young adults.

This is really great! When I started reading I thought "oh, another volunteer experience", but you really made yours stand out. I hope my editing helped, it was to the best of my abilities. Good luck!

Chris1395

Dec 27, 2012

Undergraduate / I instantly fell in love with Columbia University: College Community" 1500 words [8]

This is a great answer to Columbia's question! I recently applied as well.

I also wrote about some of the cultural and social features that made me drawn to Columbia. I had my college counselor look over it and she said that it's great to mention these things but that it's also very important to remember to include a little bit of the academics that draw you to the school as well, even if it is "to be expected", per say.

I recommend adding just a little bit about the academics (I know it's hard with the 1500 character limit). Otherwise, I think you responded to their question very well!!!

Chris1395

Dec 27, 2012

Undergraduate / "Engaging academically at Penn" - University of Pennsylvania (1st prompt) [4]

You articulated your interests beautifully. This is a really well-written answer!

About putting how you will engage socially...I did the same thing and I have an English teacher that looks at my essays for me (she's had 20 years of experience with this) and she made me take out anything that was relating to social engagement. But yet, I think your answer closely related the two "engagements" so honestly, I think it would be up to you, and I don't really feel that it would hurt you.

Best of luck!

Chris1395

Dec 27, 2012

Undergraduate / UC offers me the best of both worlds; UChicago Supp/ How UC satisfies you? [2]

My main concern with the first question is if I articulated correctly and interestingly what I know about UChicago. I really have researched it pretty heavily, and I want to show that I know a lot about the University and that I'm excited to be part of their community.

On the second question, it seemed pretty freelance, so I literally discussed two of my favorite books, simple as that. Does it need to be spruced up? I know it doesn't have a formal intro or conclusion but it didn't seem to require one...

All help is greatly appreciated! Thanks!

How does the University of Chicago, as you know it now, satisfy your desire for a particular kind of learning, community, and future? Please address with some specificity your own wishes and how they relate to UChicago.

The University of Chicago offers me the best of both worlds: an esteemed education and a chance to be part of a high-energy, diverse academic community. At the first faculty meeting in 1892, William Harper said "The question before us is how to become one in spirit, not necessarily in opinion." 120 years later, I think the university has accomplished this. When I visited the UChicago last December, I was amazed by the academic community's vibrancy that encompassed the campus. Students seemed to have a hunger for knowledge, and were thrilled to be a part of the Chicago community. Having that same hunger for knowledge, I want the opportunity to learn from some of the best professors in the world. University of Chicago has a plethora of these professors, not to mention eight current Nobel laureates. As I further my education, I also want to be sure I understand the world around me through a high level of critical thinking. This belief has also pushed me to apply to UChicago, as I believe their strong core curriculum program to be extremely attractive. The University's international centers in Paris and Beijing have lured me in, as I dream of studying abroad for a semester.

With a prospect of entering the field of politics, I think it is important to be among some of the best and most engaged students as well. At the University of Chicago, I know that I would be in good company. RSO's like UChicago Democrats, College Republicans, the Congressional Debate Team or Zombie Readiness Task Force have shown me that students are engaged and ready to make a difference in their community and also have a little fun at the same time. I know that at UChicago I will have the opportunity to succeed and look forward to a bright future of success.

Share with us a few of your favorite books, poems, authors, films, plays, pieces of music, musicians, performers, paintings, artists, blogs, magazines, or newspapers. Feel free to touch on one, some, or all of the categories listed, or add a category of your own.

Books have always been my choice activity for passing the time. I find one of the most interesting books I have ever read to be one I recently read for my College English class. The book is Hitler's Spy Chief: The Wilhelm Canaris Betrayal. It highlights the career of Admiral Wilhelm Canaris of Germany, who was chief of the Abwehr, the German intelligence agency during World War II. What Canaris did was unfathomable. While working in one of the highest positions among the Nazi regime, he managed to feed information to the Allies, including enemy positions during the invasion of Russia, and sending notes of massacres during the invasion of Poland to MI6. He also falsified some intelligence reaching Nazi commanders and openly expressed his opposition of the murder of Jews. He even managed to help some Jews escape to Spain. Near the end of the war, Canaris' false allegiance was discovered, and his actions cost him his life. I feel that it is essential to remember the story of Admiral Canaris. It reminds me of what I must keep in perspective as I continue to reach for my dreams: you choose to do what you know is right, even when everyone around you chooses not to. As I journey farther down the political road, I think it will become ever more important to keep this analogy at the forefront of my mind.

For enjoyment, I have fallen in love with the first four books of George RR Martin's "A Song of Ice and Fire" series: A Game of Thrones, A Clash of Kings, A Storm of Swords, and A Feast for Crow. My political aspirations have made these books especially attractive to me. They follow the story of several high houses of the kingdom of Westeros; all of which are vouching for the crown after a king who brought peace to the land is murdered. The books highlight the political turmoil and war that ensues. Although the books are set in a mythical, medieval world, the parallels of their politics (and corruption) with today's society makes very interesting reading.

Chris1395

Dec 27, 2012

Scholarship / APIASF Scholarship; ADVICE! [2]

Brian,

First, I think that is a fairly well written introduction. You articulated what is to come in the rest of the essay, and when you only have 500 words to write an essay, I think this is totally acceptable; also, I think your introduction could be anywhere from 50-100--even 125--words.

Scholarship essays are a lot different than English class essays, but it's important to realize that it doesn't mean you can't use your English essay STYLE in one. Always write in the style you are most comfortable with, as it will allow you to articulate most clearly and concisely.

After the intro, what I recommend is to start writing (using the advice below) while keeping in mind the word limit, THEN you can decide the most logical order and organization of paragraphs, etc. Just try to be free in your thoughts, then organize.

When approaching an essay like this you must always remember this word: CONCENTRATION; and what I mean by that is you have to concentrate every idea in order to make it fit and have enough room to add and make the essay flow. For example, in one scholarship essay, I began to write about a speech that I was inspired by, but halfway through realized that I had spent WAY too much time discussing the actual speech and not its implications. Those are the kinds of things you have to look out for when writing an essay like this, because the word limit can threaten to pull you down.

Best of luck, and I hope this helped!

Chris1395

Dec 27, 2012

Undergraduate / I was raised by my mother after my father left us; HARVARD SUPP [5]

I think you may have demonstrated what the admissions officers will be looking for: a story of personal growth. You clearly articulated a belief you had and the trouble that you have been through with it, and also demonstrated your "openness" and growth potential.

The only concern I may have with the essay is the sentence "... in which bigoted remarks against homosexuals and other such basic ideals of human rights spread like diseases into the minds of young students."

Although you may indeed be right, it is important to respect the opinions of others no matter how much you disagree with them, as I'm sure you know. An admissions officer may mistake that as a hateful sentence against those people, which any way you look at it, that isn't a message you want to convey, even if you are talking about your own beliefs. I recommend keeping the sentence and simply toning down the language.

Otherwise, this looks like a great essay ! I applied EA to Harvard this year and was deferred. I wish you the best of luck!

Chris1395

Dec 26, 2012

Undergraduate / Not a singular word - So where is Waldo, really? University of Chicago Extended Paper. [6]

The University of Chicago tells you that you can be creative (and even wacky) in their essays. Well, with this year's prompts I'm pretty sure that I have definitely hit those two marks. What I'm not sure is whether or not I have managed to create an essay that can also be taken seriously for admittance into their college (and also unsure whether or not I have made grammatical sense as well). There also is no word limit or even suggestion of length. This essay tops out a little over 500 words. Is this acceptable? I have heard of some kids making theirs a little longer, around 750-1000 words. Any thoughts/comments are deeply appreciated. Thanks!

So where is Waldo, really?

Where is Waldo, you ask? Well, to find Waldo, we must understand who, or more accurately what, Waldo is. Some may think of him as a simple fellow in a red-striped shirt just trying to get lost in society, but I think of Waldo differently. In fact, Waldo is hardly a singular word. It is a collective word, used for those among us who are ready to make a difference in the lives of others. Only when we truly understand who--or more accurately what--Waldos are, we can find where they exist.

First, the Waldos are the winners. It may be a simple game of chess or a national scholarship, but every winner can be a Waldo. Winners have put in the hard work and earned their place in the group. They give us something to look up to and be motivated by.

Next, we have the academics. Not just the folks who make a 2400 on their SAT or discover the cure for a terrible illness, but the ones that challenge themselves everyday to discover something new. They are sometimes underappreciated, but are the ones who build the foundation from which we all add on to.

The Waldo spectrum also encompasses the losers. We have to face the facts; not everyone wins, but everyone has the opportunity to try and try again, and achieve something great; eventually, they do win. The losers emanate a positive attitude that says "I will never give up", something we should all strive for.

The losers sometimes correlate closely with the next, and perhaps the biggest groups of Waldos, the determined. They stand for the students who won't stop until they have accomplished what they set out to do: for those in the community, like the exhausted field organizer for a political campaign, who is constantly saying a silent prayer that they meet their daily quotas. And for those in school, who stay up until four in the morning for their calculus exam, absolutely set on achieving the highest grade possible.

Finally, Waldos can be the others. It's for those who can't accurately be described by category, or who find themselves in multiple parts of the Waldo spectrum. Everyone knows a super human who not only wins but is determined, or a friend who is an astounding academic, yet always loses. "The others" also means those who don't fit into any category at all, but are ready to make a change in the world today.

Each of the different kinds of Waldos brings something to the table. Together they form a diverse and exciting community of thinkers and doers; and now that we know what a Waldo is, we can discover where they are. I believe it is possible that many Waldos of the world exist in one community. As you would only expect, it is a community of young students eager to learn and make a difference in their world. I have come to find that Waldos can be found at the University of Chicago.