Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by jaegoogle
Joined: Dec 26, 2012
Last Post: Dec 28, 2012
Threads: 4
Posts: 8  
Likes: 3
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 12
sort: Latest first   Oldest first  | 
jaegoogle   
Dec 28, 2012
Undergraduate / I belong to all 3 classes depending on circumstances; UPenn ;"All mankind.." [9]

Hi Rosekareen!

I read your essay and its gorgeously done! What made your essay stand out is your unique voice, which I've been struggling to find one myself for my essays. I'm also applying to UPenn and I would appreciate asking for your thoughts on mine.

Great job and I truly hope you'll get in!
jaegoogle   
Dec 28, 2012
Undergraduate / Molly Moon's Incredible Book on Hypnotism/ Cornell Supplement [8]

The final paragraph should convince the admissions officers why you picked Cornell and its psychology program. You do explain how Cornell will impact you interest and education in psychology and other topics, but the paragraph doesn't seem to stand out as much compared to your other paragraphs. Take a few minutes to explore what other incredible things you can do at Cornell through its website and show how your involvement through its programs will impact who you are as a Cornell student. Show them that you really love Cornell--no flattery--and that you belong there.

Good luck and thanks for your thoughts on my Cornell essay! I really hope you can make it.
Please read over my UPenn essays...I'm dying to have someone like you read them!
jaegoogle   
Dec 28, 2012
Undergraduate / Molly Moon's Incredible Book on Hypnotism/ Cornell Supplement [8]

Like weeyizhi said, your narrative in the first paragraph is very engaging, but seems vague on why you got "hooked" by this book. Here are some minor changes I would make though:

For as long as I could remember, I have always been a little different from the rest of my friends. Unlike the other girls of my age, who gushed over the new Barbie and Bratz dolls, I obsessed over new books. My family was well aware of my adoration for the written word and they made sure to make weekly trips to the local library. On one routine trip to the library[The phrase is redundant; I suggest rewriting this into a shorter, connective phrase] , I was casually browsing through the shelves that I had already frequented so many times["many times" is unnecessary; you've already mentioned "frequented"] in the past before. All of a sudden, an interesting-looking[change to "interesting"] book caught my eye. Between the[The phrasing seems awkward to me] glimmering cover and intriguing title, my eight year old self could not resist picking up this novel. "Molly Moon's Incredible Book of Hypnotism?" my mother grumbled as I handed her the book[Make this into a sentence] "Are you sure this is the book you want?" I only nodded enthusiastically. For the next several days, I pored over the details of Molly Moon's journey [What's the journey about and what about it specifically makes you intrigued by it?] with her lethargic but loyal pug. From her daring getaway from the orphanage to her escapade in New York City, Molly Moon forced me to obediently hang on to every word. After finishing the entire novel in two days, I read it again - and again. To my parents' annoyance, I even attempted multiple times to practice Molly's hypnotic techniques on my younger siblings.
jaegoogle   
Dec 28, 2012
Undergraduate / College of Human Ecology (HBHS Major) - CORNELL SUPPLEMENT [4]

College of Human Ecology

What do you value about the College of Human Ecology perspective and the majors that interest you, as you consider your academic goals and plans for the future?

My interest in the human health and immunology has kindled ceaselessly for eleven years ever since my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. Back then, amidst a time of anxiety and loneliness, my six year-old self pondered this question, "Why does Mommy have cancer?" The ordeal of living separately from my mother during her hospitalization for six months bred ingenuous ideas of "magic pills" to mature concepts of disease prevention and biomedical engineering. In my dream, I saw myself modifying the proteins of cancer cells on a molecular level, augmenting the capacity of medical screening technology, and addressing physicians about enhancing the quality of daily conditions to decrease health risks. There was no doubt that I would take my first step towards helping to cure patients like my mother through an institution that would provide me advanced tools and a world-class research environment. The College of Human Ecology at Cornell is where I can make my childhood dream a reality.

Prior to my freshman year, I visited Cornell to grasp the feel of how I would take my passion further through real-life encounters with people and academic atmosphere of Cornell. What immediately struck me about Cornell was its profound, social focus on the contemporary issues of the changing world. The cornerstone of its programs is oriented toward the challenges that are faced by our modern society, such as disease, poverty, and violence, and the magnificence of such curriculum is that I don't have to wait another four years to fully contribute to the service of humanity. Before living in America, I resided several years in Korea, Peru, and Argentina where each nation's perspective on health and the environment are discrete. Through programs like Biology and Society and Human Biology, Health and Society (HBHS), I can explore and analyze the biological interaction between people's health and external factors as well as the government's impact on public health.

As a Human Ecology student, I wish to highlight my direction toward medicine through HBHS. While I delve deeper into the biomechanics of diseases inside Cornell's laboratories, I want to take initiative on promoting health and welfare for people in India and Tanzania where Cornell's Global Health programs offer unique perspective on human life. Also, I wish to partake in Cornell's exceptional Breast Cancer & Environmental Risk Factors program where I'll find the answer to the question that I asked myself eleven years ago.

Before I left the campus, I took one last look of the College of Human Ecology and the beautiful trails that led to it. I told myself, "This is where I'll start. This is where I'll discover. This is Cornell."
jaegoogle   
Dec 28, 2012
Undergraduate / NYU is the perfect institution / Why NYU? [3]

Hi, Anaury!
Based on your response, I believe the prompt asks "Why is NYU a good match for you?" or something similar to that.
If I'm wrong, let me know. ;)

It seems to me that most NYU essays mention more about the city life rather than the academics. It's mundane.
Also, yours seems to be tilting toward that direction.
Even if you are undecided with your major, elaborate more on what your current interests are (like French) and how you'll academically engage there.

I hope this helps. :)
jaegoogle   
Dec 28, 2012
Undergraduate / As I spoke, I felt my heart tightening up like a fist/ U Penn; "Ben Franklin's Quote" [3]

Hi. This is my second supplement essay to the University of Pennsylvania. Please critique this essay. Also, if you have time, PLEASE read over my first UPenn essay or the Brown supplement below this essay. I am submitting them all by tomorrow. Thanks!

Ben Franklin once said, "All mankind is divided into three classes: those that are immovable, those that are movable, and those that move." Which are you? (Please answer in 300-500 words.)

Beads of sweat streamed down my face as I forced the last word of my ninth grade English presentation to a class of twenty students. As I spoke, I felt my heart tightening up like a fist, and my hands shivering from cold blood. The fear of stuttering forced me to hesitate on my thoughts, and I grew frustrated by the injustice of not being able to talk as perfectly as the peers who presented before me. Stuttering wasn't new to me at the time. I had it with me throughout my childhood. As I approached high school, my parents took me to different speech therapists hoping that treatment would alleviate my deficiency, but nothing worked. Soon, I became unwilling to partake in any conversation or speech that required constant speaking-I was immovable to the notion until the day when I decided to watch the premiere of The King's Speech. Throughout the film, I was speechless. Tears streamed down my cheek as I watched the stuttering King of Great Britain meticulously addressing to thousands of Britons who need his guidance in the midst of war. I found it unbelievable how such a man, who dealt with a lifelong impairment, would ever find the courage to lead his people. After pondering, I realized that he moved by his faith, proving to himself that he can achieve a seemingly impossible feat. That, I believe, is the beauty of humanity: taking advantage of one's deficiency to serve a greater purpose in society and discover a new potential in oneself. With the inspiration from the King, I dedicated myself to move on with my speech therapy. With the help of my mother, I articulated every syllable of words and adjusted my tongue to each sound by listening to the audio on the computer. This process was repeated every day-even past bedtime-until my tongue stiffened from muscle sores. As months passed, I grew satisfied by the result of my personal speech therapy. The doubt that had harbored in my mind no longer exists, and confidence kicked in. With a smile on my face, I no longer stammered on my English presentations. Now, I chuckle at how naĂŻve I was back when I did not know how to embrace my impairment as a blessing. Even though I thought that my disability would discourage me from talking often, I was wrong. I realized that in order to truly be myself I must overcome my deficiency and to realize my inner potential. Just as King George VI demonstrated his courage and progress to me, I wish to support and inspire others whose speech is nothing but broken chords. Like the King, I am a mover who is driven by the voice of his heart.
jaegoogle   
Dec 28, 2012
Undergraduate / I am drawn to international economics; UPenn App/ Engaging academically @ Upenn [2]

Your essay explains your academic engagement at Wharton strongly. However, it seems generic because there is less about how you'll contribute to Wharton and society. For example, in what ways will you develop leadership as you pursue your goals in life? Or, what makes you stand out among a pool of Wharton applicants?
jaegoogle   
Dec 28, 2012
Undergraduate / How my twin influenced me - personal statement [7]

I agree with the comments above mine. I suggest putting more weight on revealing yourself (the influence from your little brother should explain who you are--not him). Besides that, I think it's a cute, well-written essay. Good luck!
jaegoogle   
Dec 26, 2012
Undergraduate / "Engaging academically at Penn" - University of Pennsylvania (1st prompt) [4]

Please review my first prompt to the University of Pennsylvania supplement. This is my first draft and I don't know if I should include how I will engage sociallyat Penn. Thank you for your time!

Given the undergraduate school to which you are applying, please discuss how you will engage academically at Penn. (Please answer in 300 words or less.)
"Tell me and I forget."

When it comes to being an engineering student of the University of Pennsylvania, innovation and inspiration are already set in motion. The university offers more than just incredible academic opportunities, outstanding faculty, and diverse demography; it answers the questions as to who I am and what I'll become. As a Penn thinker, I yearn to learn not only from the knowledge written in textbooks or spoken by professors, but from the experience and influence of being a student at Penn that will never be forgotten for years to come.

"Teach me and I remember."

The privilege of pursuing my interests with the opportunity to access all four undergraduate schools at no expense is an opportunity that I cannot ignore. Through the Biomedical Science program, I would research about cell mechanics and learn medical procedures through clinical preceptorship to prepare for the medical field. Furthermore, I would take advantage of nursing opportunities at Penn's world-renowned hospital and explore the dilemmas that affect today's health system through the Nursing and Health Care Management seminars at the School of Nursing and Wharton. I believe that the great scope of flexibility in designing my curriculum is instrumental to the success of my academic involvement at Penn.

"Involve me and I learn."

The true reward of studying bioengineering at Penn is that I can actively contribute to the betterment of local and global communities. The Global Biomedical Service program would give me the chance to benefit the people of other countries with my knowledge of bioengineering so that I would gain greater understanding of global health issues and cultural diversity. The fact that there are boundless opportunities to reach out to not only my own interests, but also to the global community is an inspiration itself.
jaegoogle   
Dec 26, 2012
Undergraduate / Not a singular word - So where is Waldo, really? University of Chicago Extended Paper. [6]

For such an odd prompt, you nailed this pretty well. Yours is unique compared to the similar ones I've read...and the level of creativity is beyond what I would imagine if I were to write this essay. Sometimes, I feel as though you could simply state what a Waldo is in the beginning, but after reading the essay to the end, you come to a clear, effective conclusion. Overall, this is a fun, insightful essay that you've written and I'd give it a go.

P.S. I strongly recommend that you don't extend this essay for two reasons: one, admission officers get cranky when they have to read essays that are super long (700-1,000 words is too much for one sitting) and they eventually get bored (yours is the exception); two, every good essay has its appropriate length. (Don't believe that just because someone else wrote a longer essay than yours doesn't mean that he/she has a higher chance of getting in.)
jaegoogle   
Dec 26, 2012
Undergraduate / Programs/Korea&Lima; Brown University;Distinctive feature& Where lived? [3]

Hello! I would like to hear general criticisms or comments regarding the content and structure of my short responses. I will answer any questions that you have, and will be happy to read yours if you like. Thank you and I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas!

Brown University
Why are you drawn to the area(s) of study you indicated?
Ever since I took the biochemistry class in tenth grade, I became intrigued by the mechanisms of life on a molecular scale and enjoyed undertaking laboratory experiments. As a child, I lived in different countries and grew interested in the cultural and economic relationships among nations.

A distinctive feature of the Brown Curriculum is the opportunity to be the architect of your education. Why does this academic environment appeal to you?

Being the architect of my education is a blessing that I cannot turn away. To me, finding success on an academic and personal scale at Brown is achievable through a curriculum that satisfies my yearning to learn more about who I am and will become. This unique opportunity to discover myself through a personalized education encourages me to embrace new challenges at Brown and enables me to utilize the best resources to construct a strong foundation for my major. This feature also entreats me with various opportunities to explore other interests besides my major at no cost. A Brown education ensures that I can do so much more with the liberty of selecting programs that suits my taste.

Tell us where you have lived-and for how long-since you were born; whether you've always lived in the same place, or perhaps in a variety of places.

I was born in Seoul, South Korea and lived there for ten months. My father's agency transferred him to Lima, Peru, so my family lived there for four years. Due to the same reason, we moved to Buenos Aires, Argentina, and lived there for eight months before permanently moving to Troy, Michigan.

Complete ONE of the following thoughts:

A. If I could do something with no risk of failing, I would...
B. I felt like I truly belonged when...


...travel to villages in third-world countries where I could build windmills to generate electricity, promote education, and set up medical clinics to improve the health of the people.

What is something you created that makes you especially proud, and why?
After hearing that the Detroit Public Schools would cut funds to its fine arts program, my friends and I decided to set up a fundraiser at a local TCBY where we sold artwork and music recordings produced by our volunteers and t-shirts. Our organization, called "Art Saves Kids," raised and donated about $2,600 last summer to the arts program to be used as funds or scholarships to promote arts education in Detroit. Making a small sacrifice in my time and effort to encourage innovation and creativity for those who desperately need the means of success in their lives inspires me to learn about my community's socioeconomic challenges and to find remedies that can make an impact in the community.

We all exist within communities or groups of various sizes, origins, and purposes; pick one and tell us why it is important to you, and how it has shaped you.

I've grown up in a setting that emphasizes the "all is one and one is all" idea. Particularly, as a drummer in marching band, I've noticed that presence and sense of duty are crucial to the outcome of any collaborative task. At every marching rehearsal, my band director would remind the ensemble the importance of being in the moment with everyone. If one instrument is missing, then the chemistry of musicality is unbalanced and there will be an imperfection on the field. I too believe that the success of a marching band is determined by the students' presence during a rehearsal because that determines how motivated they are and how accurate they would be in any performance. His reminder has inspired me to be timely for any meeting and to strive toward being present for the sake of getting something out of it. For every club or team meetings that I attend, I make sure that I am physically and mentally active to make my presence meaningful and effective.

Please respond to one of the following questions: A, B, or C.

A. Why are you going to college?
B. Sculptor Jacques Lipchitz once said, "Cubism is like standing at a certain point on a mountain and looking around. If you go higher, things will look different; if you go lower, again they will look different. It is a point of view." With this in mind, describe a moment when your perspective changed.

C. What question could we ask to gain the most insight into you? What is your answer?


My brother is autistic. It is a fact that I have carried along for most of my life. At times, it was very difficult to be around him. Other times, I enjoyed his company in our childhood adventures. But, no matter how much my family wishes him to be normal, autism is what separates him from the rest of us. Recently, I read The Stranger by Albert Camus, and it leaves me hanging with unfathomable curiosity about the striking resemblance between my brother and Meursault. Of course, the latter may not be autistic, but they both possess bizarre intuition, irrational judgment, and social awkwardness. At least that's what I think from a common perspective. When my brother became a freshman, I was aware that high school would impose new challenges--larger school, crowded halls, and difficult classes--that might overwhelm him. Thus, at my parents' request, the special education department offered to provide an aide or adjustments to his testing schedule. Shockingly, he adamantly refused to receive any help from the school, giving no reason to his decision. On the way to the counseling office, I caught a glimpse of my brother discussing with my counselor, and I eavesdropped. After the conversation, I was dumbfounded by his words. He didn't ask for any help. He didn't want to be labeled as special. He wants to be challenged like everyone else without being unfair to the others and having the notion that he is different. Near the end, I remember him saying, "I want to be a person, not a special person." From that moment on, I realized his yearning to break free from his disability and to risk himself academically and socially despite the odds. At the same time, I also felt the overwhelming sadness that he had endured for being treated differently than his peers. If I remained oblivious to the truth about my brother, I would never realize his potential to become an extraordinary person that he wants to be. To me, he is more than a brother. He is a life-changer.
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳