Hi, please can you rate/ comment/ check my application essay? It isn't finished but here's what I got so far. (It's more like a draft) and there are missing ideas. I think the main problem would be word ussages.
"Improvement begins with I."
-Arnold H. Glasow.
As Ben Franklin once said "All mankind is divided into three classes: those that are immovable, those that are movable, and those that move". All mankind goes through these classes at different points of their life and it's optional to stay just in one or became the three, every person is different so everyone will have a different opinion of what these mean and in which one they belong.
I consider myself to be the three classes depending on the circumstances I go through. In some concepts I'm immovable, my beliefs and culture, my ideas, my values can't be easily changed, it's part of my personality ... however that doesn't mean I'm not respectful of other persons beliefs and personalities; I like listening to people, this way you learn and appreciate other opinions. In other concept I think I've become immovable in the lives of my family, friends and others, because I left a mark on it, a good one for little or big things although I'm not part of their daily life.
The more I learn and grow up, I became movable in some aspects that I wasn't before, to see things I didn't saw before, to know more and therefore began to think deeply, analyze things and research.
I'm not only movable for those things, also I'm easily adaptable to different scenarios, different personalities and places, always being myself providing something new to the experience and knowledge, I like having an open vision of the world.
In the stage "those that move", I' not only referring to leadership, to creative ideas and solutions but improvement, motivation, perseverance and tenacity. In order to be a great person and achieve great things you must have an open point of view not only national, but an international one; Knowing other cultural concepts and lands, interacting with different persons, be capable of moving people in order to achieve good and great things not only for one's sake but for other's too.
I don't think there is any need for the first line.
to see things I didn't sawsee before,
I feel as though this essay should show more than tell. You should expand on exactly why you feel that you belong in a certain group at a certain time. Your essay should not only be about what you think, but also about what you already did.
I'm sure the final draft would be great though.
Thank you so much! I'll make those changes and add a little bit of feeling.
I'll upload it later :)
the first sentence really looses it for me, what ivy league school is gonna want someone who is not decisive. additionally your explications for each class are uninspired and do not delve below the top layer, to be honest (which is what i think you are looking for) i am unimpressed.
Thank you :)
Well here's the 2nd draft, I think I can be more specific and personal...but here's so far.
What do you think?
As Ben Franklin once said "All mankind is divided into three classes: those that are immovable, those that are movable, and those that move". All mankind goes through these classes at different points of their life and it's optional to stay just in one or became the three, every person is different so everyone will have a different opinion of what these mean and in which one they belong.
I consider myself to be the three classes depending on the circumstances I go through. In some concepts I'm immovable, my beliefs and culture, my ideas, my values can't be easily changed, however that doesn't mean I'm not respectful of other persons beliefs and personalities, I like listening to people, this way you learn and appreciate other opinions. I can be immovable when trying to reach a goal, like when I applied for High School on the ITESM with scholarship, my family wasn't sure if I could make it but I knew that if I wanted that, I'd have to work and to do my best regardless what other people thought I wouldn't change my mind.
In other concept I think I've become immovable in the lives of my family, friends and others, because I left a mark on it, a good one for little or big things although I'm not part of their daily life.
The more I learn and grow up, I became movable in some aspects that I wasn't before, to see things I didn't see before, to know more and therefore began to think deeply, analyze things and research. Also I'm easily adaptable to different scenarios, different personalities and places, always being myself providing something new to the experience and knowledge, I like having an open vision of the world. When I've traveled to other places, inside or outside Mexico, I met new people and get a lot of new things that maybe one doesn't get to see in their homeland and which to learn from. When you return home you see with a brand new eyes. I knew things in my country aren't perfect and there has to be changes, but who will change them if is not us? Changes start with myself. I don't want to be part of the change I want to be a generator of change.
In the stage "those that move", I' not only referring to leadership, to creative ideas and solutions but improvement, motivation and tenacity also to know other cultural concepts, lands and their history, interacting with different persons, be capable of moving people in order to achieve good and great things not only for one's sake but for other's too in an national and international way.
yeah its wayyyy better now, when i read the first one u uploaded i was going to say add specific examples. but good job i like it
Thank you so much :)
I've changed a couple things, and here's it so far:
"If we don't change we don't grow up, if we don't grow up we are not alive" like Gail Sheedy said, sometimes people say that we shouldn't change because we are good as we're now, but I think that if we want to be successful and make something to be proud of, we must try. Try until you fail or succeed, until you know you've given your best and at least you're happy with what you did, "It's better to try and to fail than never tried and to regret".
Every thing needs different ways of acting, and that's why I think all mankind goes through these classes, at different points of their life. Here's an example: sometimes we just need to be perseverant at our opinions cause that's what makes us to be us (immovable), or we got to move and change, because we realize that what we thought it's not the best for us (movable), and some other times it's better to combine opinions, ways to think and ways to act in order to generate a change (those that move).
I consider myself to be immovable / movable depending on the circumstances I go through. I'm immovable in my beliefs and culture, my ideas, my values can't be easily changed, however that doesn't mean I'm not respectful of other persons beliefs and personalities. I'm immovable when trying to reach a goal and I not giving up; like when I applied for High School on the ITESM with scholarship, my family wasn't sure if I could make it but I knew that if I wanted it, I'd have to work and to do my best, regardless what other people thought I wouldn't change my mind. At the end I succeeded, it's hard to convince me if I don't think it's the best for me, I fight for my dreams and I'm I willing to meet my goals in short and long term.
The more I learn and grow up, I became movable in some aspects that I wasn't before, see things I didn't see before, to know more and therefore began to think deeply, analyze things and research. I'm easily adaptable to different scenarios, personalities and places, always being myself providing something new to the experience and knowledge. I like having an open vision of the world. When I've traveled to other places, inside or outside Mexico, I met new people and see new things, that one doesn't get to see in their country and which to learn from. When you return home you see with a brand new eyes. I know in my country things aren't perfect and there has to be changes, but who will change them if is not us? Changes start with myself. I don't want to be part of the change I want to be a generator of change, I want to become a "those that move" person and I can only achieve it with the right leadership and knowledge, and UPenn provides it.
Hi Rosekareen!
I read your essay and its gorgeously done! What made your essay stand out is your unique voice, which I've been struggling to find one myself for my essays. I'm also applying to UPenn and I would appreciate asking for your thoughts on mine.
Great job and I truly hope you'll get in!
Rosekareen,
This is great!!
Compared to the first one, it has good personal examples and the first paragraph sets up the whole thing really well!
