vallh6018
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / It's mine; Common App/ The creator of Pokemon & his influence [11]
thank you so much :) I really appreciate it
thank you so much :) I really appreciate it
vallh6018
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / Connecticut College / Firewood - Meaningful place, Supp / Why Conncoll? [8]
Gotta agree with admission2012 on some points - your first essay doesn't answer the prompt, they really want to see you have knowledge about the school and its programs. If you have an alumni in the family that also like that to be mentioned - the continuation of "the legacy' sort of thing. I would also advise against the inclusion of your religious belief, because agnosticism/atheism doesn't usually sit well with the older crowd who is reviewing your essay. I would suggest a total rewrite.
Lots of grammar mistakes - you used "but" and "and" at the beginning of sentences way too much. It was also hard to follow. Your concept isn't bad but I would suggest a total rewrite - you didn't talk about a place, you talked about a holiday. Once you've rewritten it, send it to a friend and have them read it out loud so you can fix the mistakes together. Also, never acknowledge in the essay that your writing an essay
Gotta agree with admission2012 on some points - your first essay doesn't answer the prompt, they really want to see you have knowledge about the school and its programs. If you have an alumni in the family that also like that to be mentioned - the continuation of "the legacy' sort of thing. I would also advise against the inclusion of your religious belief, because agnosticism/atheism doesn't usually sit well with the older crowd who is reviewing your essay. I would suggest a total rewrite.
Lots of grammar mistakes - you used "but" and "and" at the beginning of sentences way too much. It was also hard to follow. Your concept isn't bad but I would suggest a total rewrite - you didn't talk about a place, you talked about a holiday. Once you've rewritten it, send it to a friend and have them read it out loud so you can fix the mistakes together. Also, never acknowledge in the essay that your writing an essay
vallh6018
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / Puke sky? Carnegie Mellon Supplementary Essay [11]
The two quotes at the top are very confusing and while I get the idea that it's in reference to your mother's explanation I know nothing more than that. I would suggest removing them unless you plan on elaborating
The two quotes at the top are very confusing and while I get the idea that it's in reference to your mother's explanation I know nothing more than that. I would suggest removing them unless you plan on elaborating
vallh6018
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / It's mine; Common App/ The creator of Pokemon & his influence [11]
Thank you again! I'll work on the inclusion of more "me" and my passion because I can definitely see it's lacking
@ alicela, the 250 word essay and the personal statement are for different schools - the 250 limit is for Virginia Tech (which has the same topic as this essay) and the personal statement one is for James Madison University (500 words)
(I'll be sure to go through and comment on other's essays - sorry if you're waiting, I just need a few minutes)
Thank you again! I'll work on the inclusion of more "me" and my passion because I can definitely see it's lacking
@ alicela, the 250 word essay and the personal statement are for different schools - the 250 limit is for Virginia Tech (which has the same topic as this essay) and the personal statement one is for James Madison University (500 words)
(I'll be sure to go through and comment on other's essays - sorry if you're waiting, I just need a few minutes)
vallh6018
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / It's mine; Common App/ The creator of Pokemon & his influence [11]
Thank you very much valeriadavila01, alicela, and alicederp. I really appreciate the help! I actually have a much smaller essay (250 limit) that has this topic so all you're advice will help me with that essay as well :)
Do any of you think that, with revisions, this essay would be suitable as a personal statement of some kind? One of the colleges I'm applying to does not have a specific set of essays to choose from and this essay fits the word count... or would you advise against it?
Thank you very much valeriadavila01, alicela, and alicederp. I really appreciate the help! I actually have a much smaller essay (250 limit) that has this topic so all you're advice will help me with that essay as well :)
Do any of you think that, with revisions, this essay would be suitable as a personal statement of some kind? One of the colleges I'm applying to does not have a specific set of essays to choose from and this essay fits the word count... or would you advise against it?
vallh6018
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / I volunteered at a daycare center/ SYRACUSE SUP/ Experience [15]
You might want to change the last 2 sentences, they're a bit awkwardly mixed in and the part about traveling abroad confused me
You used the word "doubt" and "challenge" a lot - you might want to mix it up a bit thesaurus.com/browse/challenge?s=t thesaurus.com/browse/doubted?s=t
You might want to change the last 2 sentences, they're a bit awkwardly mixed in and the part about traveling abroad confused me
You used the word "doubt" and "challenge" a lot - you might want to mix it up a bit thesaurus.com/browse/challenge?s=t thesaurus.com/browse/doubted?s=t
vallh6018
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / My compulsive need to finish everything I started; William & Mary/Unique & Colorful? [2]
I think alicela really took care of a lot of the word count. I also have some little tips~
I really like your 1st paragraph. It's engaging; however, you don't stay on the topics of books through the entire essay - you don't want your readers to be thrown through a curve ball when you start talking about movies later on. Also, you could probably take out the last sentence in the first paragraph.
"I almost feel sympathy for a book if I don't finish reading it; as if it hadn't done its job correctly to give me that heart-grasping need to know the ending" > contradicts what you said previously about how you can't leave a book unfinished. You may want to talk about how you feel sympathy for books that OTHER people don't finish rather than yourself. But if you do want to talk about how sometimes you even leave a book unfinished you may want to state that earlier to avoid any confusion.
The part about Inception was interesting, but it should flow better. The jump from Justin Beiber to Inception is a bit strange.
Part about bottles and lotion should be taken out - it's off topic. It would be better if you talked about books or movie. It might be best placed before the Inception example.
Overall, interesting concept you may just want to stick with the idea that every book, movie, etc. you start deserves to be finished and given a chance. It's a better representation of yourself. Also, you'll want to fix the jumping of tenses - it makes it hard to follow.
By the way, I'm also applying to W&M! Good luck!
I think alicela really took care of a lot of the word count. I also have some little tips~
I really like your 1st paragraph. It's engaging; however, you don't stay on the topics of books through the entire essay - you don't want your readers to be thrown through a curve ball when you start talking about movies later on. Also, you could probably take out the last sentence in the first paragraph.
"I almost feel sympathy for a book if I don't finish reading it; as if it hadn't done its job correctly to give me that heart-grasping need to know the ending" > contradicts what you said previously about how you can't leave a book unfinished. You may want to talk about how you feel sympathy for books that OTHER people don't finish rather than yourself. But if you do want to talk about how sometimes you even leave a book unfinished you may want to state that earlier to avoid any confusion.
The part about Inception was interesting, but it should flow better. The jump from Justin Beiber to Inception is a bit strange.
Part about bottles and lotion should be taken out - it's off topic. It would be better if you talked about books or movie. It might be best placed before the Inception example.
Overall, interesting concept you may just want to stick with the idea that every book, movie, etc. you start deserves to be finished and given a chance. It's a better representation of yourself. Also, you'll want to fix the jumping of tenses - it makes it hard to follow.
By the way, I'm also applying to W&M! Good luck!
vallh6018
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / It's mine; Common App/ The creator of Pokemon & his influence [11]
Hi guys! I would really love to get some feedback on my essay. The prompt is: "Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence." --- I wrote about Satoshi Tajiri (the creator of Pokemon) and I'm really trying to convey my love of art and how Pokemon inspired me to get into it. I've left comments in parenthesis within my essay to note places I need some assistance with. Also, keep in mind that I am not applying for art school and I'm using this opportunity to show I have an extracurricular activity (b/c I don't do sports or music). Please be brutal. I'll be happy to give feedback on you essays if you comment :)
Often when we reflect upon our favorite televisions series, movies, and comics we discuss the influences of the tenacious protagonist, the trustworthy companions, or the heart wrenching struggle of the misunderstood villain, but rarely do we consider the mind behind the work. It's the minds behind the work that captivate the masses, their creative endeavors personified that move us, and their courage to share their work that allows us to become inspired. (I'm struggling w/ finding a transition sentence here)
Every Saturday morning just a little before 8 o'clock, I, in unison with hundreds of other American children, plopped myself in front of the television ready to be captivated by the iconic work of Satoshi Tajiri, a Japanese video game designer, founder of Game Freak, and internationally known as the creator of PokĂŠmon. Tajiri's world was filled with pseudo-magical elemental creatures that lived a symbiotic relationship with the people of Earth, with whom they often created lifelong partnerships. His audience viewed this world through the eyes of Ash Ketchum, an ambitious, hardworking, and trustworthy character who valued friendship and fairness. His world was memorizing and at the age of six I instantly fell in love with it. This love manifested itself in various ways, including the ownership of hundreds of PokĂŠmon cards, various PokĂŠmon video games, and even a homemade Pikachu Halloween costume, but most significantly it manifested itself through my art. I was inspired not only by the story and the relatability of the characters, but also by the animation and the idea of having my creative work shared with the world. So, my early years my admiration led me to craft countless illustrations of Ash alongside Pikachu and even shameless sketches of myself as a PokĂŠmon character with my own PokĂŠmon companions.
Though, as I grew older, my undying devotion to following the adventures of Ash and his friends faded. However, the creative inspiration that Tajiri's work provided me never faltered and inspired me to further pursue my creative endeavors. And so, propelled by ambition and a love of art, I spent hours locked in my room drawing and painting, attempting to recreate the images I sketched on my schoolwork or practicing my digital lineart skills (The wording feels strange and forced to me. Any suggestions?). I put myself out there by sharing my work on online art communities, including deviantART, anipan, and tumblr - sites which also gave me the opportunity to follow the works of amateur artist and even professionals like Camilla d'Errico and Aya Takano. Art had become more than a hobby - it became my passion. I developed my own unique art style, characters with their own unique personalities, relationships, and backgrounds, as well as my own narrative and lessons to share through my art.
While my work may not teach the importance of camaraderie and entertain thousands of people every day, it's mine - I am the mind behind the work.
(I'm having difficulty finding a way to connect my 1st paragraph and make it into an effective conclusion. Or is the 1st paragraph even needed - I quite like it and I'd prefer to find a way to integrate it better. Also, comments on the amount of content I have about myself?)
Hi guys! I would really love to get some feedback on my essay. The prompt is: "Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence." --- I wrote about Satoshi Tajiri (the creator of Pokemon) and I'm really trying to convey my love of art and how Pokemon inspired me to get into it. I've left comments in parenthesis within my essay to note places I need some assistance with. Also, keep in mind that I am not applying for art school and I'm using this opportunity to show I have an extracurricular activity (b/c I don't do sports or music). Please be brutal. I'll be happy to give feedback on you essays if you comment :)
Often when we reflect upon our favorite televisions series, movies, and comics we discuss the influences of the tenacious protagonist, the trustworthy companions, or the heart wrenching struggle of the misunderstood villain, but rarely do we consider the mind behind the work. It's the minds behind the work that captivate the masses, their creative endeavors personified that move us, and their courage to share their work that allows us to become inspired. (I'm struggling w/ finding a transition sentence here)
Every Saturday morning just a little before 8 o'clock, I, in unison with hundreds of other American children, plopped myself in front of the television ready to be captivated by the iconic work of Satoshi Tajiri, a Japanese video game designer, founder of Game Freak, and internationally known as the creator of PokĂŠmon. Tajiri's world was filled with pseudo-magical elemental creatures that lived a symbiotic relationship with the people of Earth, with whom they often created lifelong partnerships. His audience viewed this world through the eyes of Ash Ketchum, an ambitious, hardworking, and trustworthy character who valued friendship and fairness. His world was memorizing and at the age of six I instantly fell in love with it. This love manifested itself in various ways, including the ownership of hundreds of PokĂŠmon cards, various PokĂŠmon video games, and even a homemade Pikachu Halloween costume, but most significantly it manifested itself through my art. I was inspired not only by the story and the relatability of the characters, but also by the animation and the idea of having my creative work shared with the world. So, my early years my admiration led me to craft countless illustrations of Ash alongside Pikachu and even shameless sketches of myself as a PokĂŠmon character with my own PokĂŠmon companions.
Though, as I grew older, my undying devotion to following the adventures of Ash and his friends faded. However, the creative inspiration that Tajiri's work provided me never faltered and inspired me to further pursue my creative endeavors. And so, propelled by ambition and a love of art, I spent hours locked in my room drawing and painting, attempting to recreate the images I sketched on my schoolwork or practicing my digital lineart skills (The wording feels strange and forced to me. Any suggestions?). I put myself out there by sharing my work on online art communities, including deviantART, anipan, and tumblr - sites which also gave me the opportunity to follow the works of amateur artist and even professionals like Camilla d'Errico and Aya Takano. Art had become more than a hobby - it became my passion. I developed my own unique art style, characters with their own unique personalities, relationships, and backgrounds, as well as my own narrative and lessons to share through my art.
While my work may not teach the importance of camaraderie and entertain thousands of people every day, it's mine - I am the mind behind the work.
(I'm having difficulty finding a way to connect my 1st paragraph and make it into an effective conclusion. Or is the 1st paragraph even needed - I quite like it and I'd prefer to find a way to integrate it better. Also, comments on the amount of content I have about myself?)
vallh6018
Dec 27, 2012
Essays / I like anime related things ; Leisure activity [3]
Do not write about or even include anything about yaoi,shoujo, bishies. It's really inappropriate for a college essay or any professional representation of yourself, because the content tends to be really sexual. It would make the reader feel instantly uncomfortable (especially if they have to google search "yaoi"). Feel free to write about anime or manga though as long as you can relate it to the prompt and make it relevant to your positive traits. For example, I'm writing an essay about how Pokemon/Ash Ketchum got me into art at a young age which has been a really significant influence on me as a person. I can then relate that to my dedication and other positive traits (spent hours drawing and painting, made sure there was room in my school schedule for at least 1 art class, classes taken outside, research on artist in my free time, self-expression, my own narrative, etc.).
Writing about the violin could also work, but you have to make sure it show cases your positive traits and gives the reader a good sense of who you are.
Hope that helps!
Do not write about or even include anything about yaoi,shoujo, bishies. It's really inappropriate for a college essay or any professional representation of yourself, because the content tends to be really sexual. It would make the reader feel instantly uncomfortable (especially if they have to google search "yaoi"). Feel free to write about anime or manga though as long as you can relate it to the prompt and make it relevant to your positive traits. For example, I'm writing an essay about how Pokemon/Ash Ketchum got me into art at a young age which has been a really significant influence on me as a person. I can then relate that to my dedication and other positive traits (spent hours drawing and painting, made sure there was room in my school schedule for at least 1 art class, classes taken outside, research on artist in my free time, self-expression, my own narrative, etc.).
Writing about the violin could also work, but you have to make sure it show cases your positive traits and gives the reader a good sense of who you are.
Hope that helps!
