Undergraduate / The undeniable tradition of widespread academic excellence ; Why Duke? [3]


I hope to experience the same sense of unity felt in the halls and classrooms of Duke come game-night.
However I think you mean the opposite, no?

Undergraduate / Comanches and other nomadic Indian tribes; UPENN Supp(Ben Franklin's Quote) [4]

You definitely need a concrete sentence that relates back to the question that sums up your argument.

Undergraduate / True Value; Stanford sup/ What Matters to you and why. [3]

This seems far too colloquial. I think you need to talk more about why music is important to you throughout the piece rather than just at the end.

Undergraduate / Nature of Northwestern's Communications Studies program; NORTHWESTERN Supp [6]


Eep! Now this sentence is so very random! What are you talking about here?! Also you use knowledge you gain - if its knowledge of course you've already learned it! :P

Undergraduate / Waldo is the honest determination; U CHICAGO - "SO, WHERE IS WALDO, REALLY?" [5]

Honestly, try briefly rewriting this and see what happens. You're talking about society saying "do your homework" versus a kid saying "i want to do my homework, not only because I've been told to but also because it fulfills x purpose for me" right?

I'm applying to college too and I've totally been here. Just try to do it again and focus on being clear and precise in convincing your reader of your thesis.

Undergraduate / I & my grandfather; Johns Hopkins Sup/ more about me [4]

I am amazed at his resilience - after losing his wife, his career as an engineer, and having been evicted from his home of 50 years - he still ... [ something needs to go here ]

The current structure of the sentence suggests there should be a clause at the end ^. I don't know that with the current structure, "for not being able to sustain the lifestyle he once could" fits.

Very sweet. Best wishes!(:

Undergraduate / The song "That Lucky Old Sun"/ Topic of your choice [3]

Your essay is very nice and you seem exceptionally strong. Best of luck!

Undergraduate / Nature of Northwestern's Communications Studies program; NORTHWESTERN Supp [6]


A very versatile what? Or did you mean Communications is very versatile? (which is a bit too vague)


"a" not "an"


Growing up in Southern California and attending one of the top ten most diverse high schools in the region, I have been given the opportunity to realize the importance of knowing people from various cultures and backgrounds.

Also, after this you have one sentence and then a new paragraph - I think you should combine the two.


No contractions! :P


I hope to use the perspective I gain from the people at Northwestern to enhance my position in the field of communications. (maybe?)


This is extremely awkward - I know what you mean but you could do a lot better with this sentence.


Are you missing commas?

Good job! Best wishes! (:

Undergraduate / I desire more diversity; Boston university sup: Why apply? [6]


I understand why this is here, but it shouldn't be haha. The sentence is fine without it.

I think this is really good! Best of luck to you!(:

Undergraduate / Waldo is the honest determination; U CHICAGO - "SO, WHERE IS WALDO, REALLY?" [5]


The same what? This sentence is unnecessary and vague.

Hmm, I think you're talking about self proclaimed purpose - I got that by your statement about realizing our dreams. But the essay itself is convoluted. It is extremely unclear what you are talking about in the beginning and only by the application of common theme and sense does the reader figure what you are really trying to say. I think towards the second half of the essay when you start to become more specific, through the example you provide and your last paragraph (kinda), is where you can find the actual thesis of what you're trying to say.