Posts by rainee

rainee

Jan 3, 2013

Scholarship / New opportunities/ Affable,Multicultural Environment; Scholarship- Why UWC? [2]

I am interested in obtaining a scholarship to further my education by doing two years at one of the United World Colleges. The instructions are: Please provide a statement (on a separate piece of paper and with a limit of 300 words) explaining why you are interested in attending a UWC school/college and reflecting on UWC's mission and values, what you might contribute to the school/college and what you would hope to gain from the experience.

-Any grammar mistakes? or advice?
-Any more special points that i can add to it so they will remember my essay?

My effort:

I have always been interested in expanding my knowledge and exploring new opportunities. I am applying to UWC as I believe it will allow me to enter a significantly better educational system while also allowing me to challenge myself and gain greater exposure to different cultures and people.

UWC is a school different from others as it provides an affable, multicultural environment. This will provide me with greater social and team skills. My decision to apply has been greatly impacted by this as I'm interested interacting with new people and intercultural understanding. I would love the opportunity to find out how others live.

UWC offers a variety of subjects and activities which I could not receive in Jamaica. I have personal interests in entrepreneurship, writing poems and short stories and reading. I am also hard-working and possess exceptional leadership qualities. I am confident after two years of studying at UWC I will be better able to use my skills and education to contribute to the development of UWC, Jamaica and the world.

The experience gained at the college will help me to enrich my future .I am excited at the thought of UWC as new home for the next two years. This college will not only provide me with greater educational opportunities but also an exposure to different cultures.

Word count: 203 words

rainee

Jan 3, 2013

Undergraduate / My best friend Charles; CommonAPP - Person with significant influence [4]

He ~~could~~would not be around in my senior year, perhaps the most important year in my entire life.
I dont exactly like the last line in your first paragraph. Try using another situation, otherwise it may stay.

In paragraph two, try to tell those those qualities impacted your life. You are yet to do this properly in the entire essay. Connect all of what Charles did what how you are in the present. Example, after he helped you to prepare for lectures you felt the urge to help yourself more. Try "Charles has taught you how to be prepared by (whatever he did). Charles taught me to appreciate community service by highlighting the impact it has on individual people and the society". Connect paragraph 2 with 4. How did his help with regards to education help your life? Is it his help in your academics that made his impact most significant or his friendship? How was he a good friend - was he trustworthy, motivational, inspirational, understanding? Elaborate if so.

Also elaborate on why you were embarrassed of the friendship and how you got over this.

I actually think paragraph 3 can be summarized.

Instead of saying " After two growing years, I know exactly what I want do and what I am doing" say, "After two years, I know what i want to do and how i will achieve this".

I think somewhere in your essay needs to say exactly how what Charles did taught you to do well by yourself.

rainee

Jan 3, 2013

Student Talk / Suggestions to Essay Writers [11]

Addressing number 4. Instead of "you" use words such as "one" or "an individual"

Also to add to rule 3, use different words. Make use of a thesaurus and remember not to repeat the same thought more than twice. And if twice, in different paragraphs and in a different way.