Posts by lettuceface

lettuceface

Jan 15, 2013

Scholarship / Deporting Daniela; Bill Gates Scholarship; Treated unfair. [4]

You shoulda put up the prompt as well

"In spite of my boiling anger," This statement doesn't make sense. Spite is to deliberately hurt, or the desire to do so. I also believe anger is weakness, so I'd use it as a adverb or adjective instead of a noun.

"e to help stop the government from deporting Daniela. After 5 months, though I did not receive any responses, my heart and soul was at peace. President Barack Obama ad" This doesn't flow that well. Something like "Even though I continued sending out letters, I didn't receive any responses. After five long months of worrying, President Barack Obama addressed the situation by amending the Dream Act policy to give undocumented immigrants (including Daniela and her sister) two years to future their education. Finally my heart was at ease." Just an idea, I'm sure you can do better.

The first and last paragraph are arguably the most important parts of your essay. Your last seems weak. The phrases in parentheses can be worked into the sentences. I'd refrain from using exclamation points. The last sentence is way too long. It should be concise and memorable. Consider rearranging the sentences so that it goes from past(pilgrims, Jamestown settlers, slaves) to present, instead of jumping from present to past to present again. And of course reworking the sentences so that the fit well in their new arrangement. Try to give the ideas a natural flow.

lettuceface

Jan 15, 2013

Undergraduate / Otto-Von- Bismarck & Adolf Hitler; College App - Political leaders [2]

It seems like you just wrote about what they did rather than why you view them as leaders and why you admire/dislike them. In other words less facts more opinion. I think that's point of undergrad essays anyway, getting to know the student.

Your opinion of which is cool and which is lame wasn't clear enough.

"I admire Bismarck vis-Ă -vis Hitler," ..To me this makes it seem as if you're trying to choose the lesser of two evils, like if it was another guy other than Hitler you wouldn't admire Bismarck. I don't use "vis a vis" personally, but I'm sorta familiar with its usage and I think you're kind of reaching with the wording of that statement.

lettuceface

Jan 15, 2013

Undergraduate / SHELTERED LIFE; "Choose an issue of importance to you" [2]

Choose an issue of importance to you - the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope - and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.

I always have trouble starting essays without specifics, and I always do a horrible job.

I live a very sheltered life. I don't interact with people or do any activities outside my house unless it is absolutely necessary. (I'm kind of a wierdo, but besides that I live in a very ugly place, the weather is horribly hot and humid, and most people around here are same kind of person [not teenage rambling, it is an accurate observation] and I don't share any interests with them.) Because of this, there is nothing that really stands out as a prominent issue to me or that affects me in a way that interferes with my daily life. I mean gun violence, government overspending, religious interfere with government, prejudice against people of different religions or race, pollution, overpopulation, deforestation and the destruction of other biomes, poaching, horrible quality of public education, public education overspending, terrorism, inference with international conflict, big corporations taking jobs and diminishing the quality of those jobs, AARP, homophobia, the seeming decrease of society's maturity are all things that make me angry. I feel like there's obvious solutions to all of these problems in America and the rest of the world. It all pisses me off equally.

Ignorance and Apathy seem to the be the root cause of pretty much everything. Well..stupidity also, but mainly the first two.

I'm of mixed race, an art major, a skateboarder, and a big fan of music, movies, tv shows, video games. I dunno what that has to do with anything but whatever. What approach do I take for this essay?