Undergraduate / I was represening both my beliefs and people; TRANSFER- Letter of Motivation [3]

Please expand on the personal essay you wrote for the Common Application and provide a statement about your motivation for applying to "X College". Be sure to include relevant details about your life experiences (including reasons for any interruption in your education), intellectual interests, and long-term plans.

What draws me to "X College" is the importance it places on the development of leadership skills. Women are inspired, motivated, and encouraged to be the best that they can be and that is an environment that I look for.

During the fall semester I made a decision to withdraw from my classes in order to pursue something that I felt strongly for. I joined the Organizing for America, grassroots campaign to re-elect President Obama as a DFO. This election was very important to me because it hit very close to home. I was not only representing my beliefs but I was also representing the people that have made an impact in my life. I was representing my mom who came to America from Haiti, to find the American dream of prosperity, and is still fighting to this very day for that dream. I represent my childhood friend who was with me throughout all of secondary(don't know if that is the right word) school years but could not go to college or vote for the very nation that he stood for every morning and pledged the allegiance to, because he was an undocumented. I represented the young boys who never had a chance of life beyond the walls of their ghetto, that are treated like second-class citizens and believe they don't have the power to vote. This election wasn't just about me; it was about representing the voices that could not be heard. This was about having the ability to change lives. My time on the campaign has only instilled in me, that one person can make a difference. One person has the ability to create change that can cause a pathway for others to walk and there is no excuse for silence.

When it came time for me to browse through colleges, having a strong academic program wasn't at the top of my priorities. The reason I say this because any college could meet that criteria.(don't know if I should include it or not) My main goal was to find a college that had students who were passionate about making a difference in their community. I wanted a school that provided that outlet and encouraged its students to be the person who can create change. That's where I found "X College". It not only met my criteria, but most importantly I noticed the importance they placed on the education of leadership and globalization. It informed its students that there is more out there then what is here before and as a woman, nothing could stop us from creating change. Every last one of us has that ability and "X College" acts as that catalyst. This is a college that is thriving with extraordinary women who want to make an impact in their community. I knew then this was a place that I would be able to thrive in; this is a place that will allow me to continue to build upon my leadership and be someone great. Learning goes beyond the textbook. It's about being open-minded and being able to learn outside of the box and "X College" understands that. (I feel that maybe the ending is a little weak...what do you guys think?)

I feel like there are some parts that are strong but other parts that need revising, I would appreciate all the help that I can get. The deadline is today/tomorrow(March 1). I know its last minute, but better late then never.

Undergraduate / BAD History - Explaining Academic Dismissal [10]

Have you ever been found responsible for a disciplinary violation at any educational institution you have attended from the 9th grade (or the international equivalent) forward, whether related to academic misconduct or behavioral misconduct, that resulted in a disciplinary action? These actions could include, but are not limited to: probation, suspension, removal, dismissal, or expulsion from the institution.

If you answered yes to either or both questions, please upload a letter that gives the approximate date of each incident, explains the circumstances, and reflects on what you learned from the experience.

Essay:

Every trace of color seeped from my face, and a low, anguished moan of disbelief escaped my ashen lips. "We regret to inform you, due to the academic requirement at XYZ, you have failed to maintain a GPA of a 2.0, and as a result have been academically dismissed..." Bleakly I stared at screen and felt as if my ability to function, had abandoned me. A tear slid down my cheek, followed by another, and I hunched my shoulders and bowed my head and began to cry.

I have often felt deep pangs of sadness as I think about that moment in my life. It has been a long challenging journey since December 18, 2011, when I received the news of my academic dismissal. Since then, the road has not been easy, but my love for education has always been consistent, and these trials were things have shaped me to who I am today.

Four weeks after school began, I received a phone call on a Friday night, from my mother; and even before she began to speak, I felt a sense of dread and knew something wasn't right. My mother crying hysterically explained to me that she had just been laid off from her job as a school janitor and didn't know what to do. Everything around me just froze, my fear confirmed, thoughts were whirling in my head, "When did this happen, are my siblings ok, who was going to pay rent, electric bills, insurance"? I felt the world closing on me and with a sense of sickness in my stomach; I knew in my head that I was going to be responsible to provide for my family. With a sudden thickness circling my throat, hoarsely, I reassured her that everything would be ok and I'll help out with what I could.

Finding myself with two jobs in order to provide for my family and dealing with a full academic schedule, I didn't know who to speak to about my situation. I didn't know how to go about opening the issue with my peers or faculty members, I felt ashamed; I didn't want others to pity me. I was always used to shouldering responsibility, being the oldest of four, and a translator of my mother's affairs, it was foreign to ask for help when I was always on the other end. Stress got the best of me and soon my grades began to slip, and before I could even blink, I found myself on academic dismissal. Numb to my surroundings, I didn't know how to react. I took this as a sign that I was not meant be here, I was meant to be home, with my family. So I packed my bags and closed the chapter of my life at XYZ. I realize that the time was not right for me and I was not ready for college. In accepting that, it was then I had the ability to move on.

I enrolled at my local community college and cautiously began to start on my academic career, and piece back my life together. Still providing for my mother I worked, but also went to school. I knew in my head that I could not give up on education because I understood it would be my only way out to a better life. As time wore on, I began to regain confidence in my academic ability and my life at home was steady once again, I secured my mom a job and became more involved in my community.

I understand that my road is not an easy one and it was only going to get harder. I have accepted that and if anything it has only made me work even harder for my dreams. No one ever said the road to an education would be an easy one. What I learned was that the most important lesson is the courage to continue when you think you have nothing left that defines whom you will be. I admit my past is not perfect and probably never will be, but I am taking that chance to fight for my goals and dreams. I am taking the risk of fighting something for what I dearly love, something that has been my best friend and the only thing that I found comfort in, something that can never be replaced, and that is my education.

Reader:
I would like to know your thoughts and feelings in this essay. I would like you to put yourself in my shoes and also in the shoes of the admissions officer. Do you think that I have learned from my mistakes? Did I answer the question? Is it too long?