Undergraduate / Personal statement-Law ("The world makes way for the man...") [6]

As a little girl, my favourite time was at night curled up in a warm bed with my dad reading to me the many magical stories. Listening to him always gave me a twinge of excitement and expectancy, as if something special waited for me. When I could not question his knowledge of mermaids, princesses and dreamlands [any more], I would reluctantly retreat into my own magical world of imagination pondering on my options of finding Peter Pan's 'Neverland'.

First of all, twinge suggests pain, not excitement. I'm guessing you meant a tinge of excitement, which means just a modicum of excitement. There is a dangerous element to this paragraph: immaturity, and it's all to easy to fall into this trap when talking about your childhood like this. You should talk in a way that you maturely reflect back on your experience. One way would be to remove the mermaids, princesses, and dream lands: maybe you can replace it with "When I could question him no longer about his knowledge of the fanciful stories..."

I would also highly recommend that you don't refer to imagination as a "magical world."

I'll comment later on the other parts but this first paragraph already irks me.

Undergraduate / 'A hope for a wonderful learning experience' - college entrance essay (UCF)? [8]

Is the prompt something like "Why do you want to attend UCF?", because the college really doesn't need to know it's good. Even that's not a very good reason for wanting to attend a college. If you're attending a college merely for their prestige then clearly you have not researched well!

As Sean said, this is very very general. You never dip into anything. When I read this essay all I end up knowing about UCF is that it's a college and that it's near Orlando.

Undergraduate / Which essay idea seems to be best. [16]

Well, thanks Kevin, Sean, kenzi, and sarahmk. I'll just edit it a little to fit what Sean and Kevin said and submit it to Questbridge. Wish me luck~

Undergraduate / Which essay idea seems to be best. [16]

That may be true, but it is not only the businesses that have made poor decisions that are going out of business. Reputable companies such as Circuity City, Washington Mutual, and Lehman Brothers have fallen to the effects of the recession. These aren't just unrelated deaths, there is an economic atmosphere that encourages failure. AIG, though stupidly using the stimulus money to line their one pockets, is a crucial insurance corporation: without it hundreds of smaller insurance companies would fail immediately since they turn to AIG for financial support concerning their larger clients.

It would be difficult for an efficient company to rise during this economic climate and even if they were, lack of government funding would just plunge the markets into a depression leaving all companies, efficient and inefficient alike, in tatters.

Undergraduate / Questbridge Application, vegetarianism [10]

Umm, the first paragraph is less cohesive than before. You just jump from one thing to the other, and the third sentence is a bit unclear. It kinda sounds like you love animals so your not going to pay for them to get exploited though you probably mean that your dietary choice is an expression of your disapproval of animal exploitation.

Again, your last sentence: [this] does not refer to anything, and it is still unclear. A person could take it that the debates didn't happen between you and an adult but between adults. The last sentence doesn't make any reference to you at all (no I, me, or my).

Yea, tempting kind of means that your stance has faltered.

Undergraduate / Which essay idea seems to be best. [16]

Well, it seems you misunderstand my purpose then, though it might be my fault. I'm discussing Laissez-Faire, it's the main idea. I'm just pointing out times when it's not the correct policy.

"...there are times, especially in periods of recession such as now, when government intervention in business is necessary to protect the economy."

to

"though Laissez-faire's freedom is favorable in most situations, there are times, especially in periods of recession, when government intervention in business is necessary to protect the economy."

I'm not really jumping from one to the other. I'm just transitioning from a little introduction about Laissez-faire to reasons why it is sometimes necessary to implement a different policy. The last paragraph isn't a heads-up to Laissez-faire, it's the conclusion.

Edit:
Long ago, mankind must have discovered the meaning of value. Along with this discovery, they must have realized that some things are better kept while others can be bartered away for things of similar value, and so the age of possessions and trade began. The leaders of the time might have attempted to regulate this trade, either for avarice or for altruism, and might have encountered the consequences and benefits of either dictating it completely or letting it be, a policy known as "Laissez-faire." The significance and use of this policy has intrigued me before I even knew what the word meant and has continued to interest me in the dealings of business today.

As a little boy, I fancied exploring, and sampling when unnoticed, the wares of my parents' quaint little shop. It was installed in the first floor of our humble abode, facing the dirt road. In some odd attempt to pin prestige to the store, my parents named it the Erap-Erap Store: Erap is a nickname of the now-former President of the Philippines, Joseph Estrada. My parents fooled me into thinking that Estrada himself sponsored the store and even dropped by for occasional visits when I wasn't there. Childhood curiosity still intact, I had thought of how this affected our store: Is some of the money going to our president? Does he choose the things we sell? Did he know that I sneaked some candy off the shelves? They were simple questions, a first-grader has few worldly concerns, but those elementary questions form the basis of most questions regarding the government's role in the economy: Should the government regulate prices? Should it regulate the quality of products? Should it be involved in the development of businesses? As I grew, the complexity of my questions and my interest in the matters of business grew, along with my concerns about the policy. Especially frightening to me is the close-mindedness of people who believe that Laissez-Faire is always the correct policy; though Laissez-faire's freedom is favorable in most situations, there are times, especially in periods of recession, when government intervention in business is necessary to protect the economy.

A global recession is ravaging the world market leaving behind a trail of unemployment, economic stagnation, and forsaken lots full of brand new Toyota Corollas: a horrid sight. The world governments, desperate to effect change, have pumped hundreds of billions of dollars into their economies, hoping that their engines would start and drive them forward once again. Such actions are blasphemy for supporters of a Laissez-Faire policy; however, it is crucial. Without government funding, businesses would be forced take drastic measures to prevent bankruptcy. In prosperous times, Laissez-faire produces a diverse market driven by healthy competition.

Laissez-faire is the heart of capitalism. I've felt its influences as I walk on my home, a McDonalds tempting me with its prices while a Burger King seduces me with its larger portions. I've always wondered how the world would be under a different policy: streets lined with colorless businesses lacking competition.

Undergraduate / Stevens or NJIT - which college to choose? [9]

I don't exactly get what you mean by "more computer engineering program." Does that mean that their program is larger? Even if there's more students in it, it isn't guaranteed to have more funding from the school. It might even mean the opposite: with more students less money can be spent on each student so the quality of the program suffers.

Undergraduate / Questbridge Application, vegetarianism [10]

[As one of the lone vegetarians in the Midwest, this has an impact on everyday life] and leads to numerous conversations with belligerent cowboys.-Ha, Cowboys. Might sound a bit too stereotypical; it sounds like the cowboys are those that do manly things and would be shocked at vegetarianism or sensitivity.

-The first part of this sentence is too general, it is also grammatically incorrect.
Correction: Being one of the lone vegetarians in the Midwest has an impact on my everyday life.
-But like I said, what kind of impact? A summarizing conclusion is not necessary for such a short response.

Eight years ago in my elementary school, I licked the last remnants of Shepherd's pie from a fork. Such a meaty morsel has not passed my lips since then.

-Kinda sounds like you miss meat
-last remnants is repetitive
-You could shorten it a bit to allow for more about your personal decision to become vegetarian. E.g. The last time I've swallowed a piece of meat was eight years ago, when I licked the remnants of a Shepherd's pie.

Some perceive vegetarianism as a dietary choice, but for me it is a life path with roots in appalling cafeteria victuals.
-You became vegetarian just because you didn't like how cafeteria food tasted? Not very compelling.

Vegetarianism prevents many of the health problems sweeping America, pushes back against inhumane treatment of animals, and moves the planet towards a more sustainable existence.

-You aren't trying to persuade the reader to become vegetarian; rather, you are trying to show them how being vegetarian has affected you.

Undergraduate / Which essay idea seems to be best. [16]

Here's first draft. Any thoughts? And yes, I will definitely re-edit this. The 3rd paragraph doesn't really seem to correspond with the prompt, but it does provide background information. Maybe I'll whittle it down a bit. Night everyone.

Undergraduate / Which essay idea seems to be best. [16]

Mm, but if you read the sample essays from previous winners, you'll find that even after ripping a grammar rulebook in front of the judging panel, if you're passion and personality communicates itself effectively through your piece, grammar matters little. Personally, I would be satisfied with "lesser" prizes, such as the free college-admission conferences. Anything that will help, right?

Undergraduate / Stevens or NJIT - which college to choose? [9]

Although I am not one for wholly investing my decisions based on college rankings, they should be of SOME weight when weighing colleges. According to U.S. News, Stevens is ranked 80th in Graduate (I couldn't find undergrad rankings) schools, while NJIT didn't place at all. Of course, NJIT might have better computer engineering program than Stevens. So here's what I recommend you do BEFORE you visit it.

1. Look over faculty
Most important factor in learning should be the people who are teaching you! A seemingly obvious, yet often overlooked factor. Most colleges include a list of profs. and their achievements.

2. Compare # of Students
If the program has a bunch of students in the program then it's a safe bet that the college has invested more money in it.

3. Contact Alumni
Most knowledgeable people about the job market since they've experienced it!

Undergraduate / Which essay idea seems to be best. [16]

Oh ok, I should have a typed up draft by tomorrow night.

And as I stated, Kevin, these are NOT my intro paragraphs.

Undergraduate / Short Response - to change one thing about my community [14]

Thanks!

Scholarship / What is the biggest obstacle that have had to overcome in Life? [10]

As one of fourteen children, I was introduced to hard times all my life.
- The latter part of this sentence could be stronger. It sounds awkward.

[I attended a business school instead] and receive certificate of completion six months later. The training came in handy because jobs were plentiful for data entry operators and I was always able to get a job. In addition, within the same year, I was married [but] eighteen years later I was walking out the door. [I remember the song "I Will Survive"], loaded my five children in my car, and headed for Florida. [I explained to the children what was going on, why and how]. I had no [promise] of a job, no place to stay and about two thousand dollars.

- Instead? Instead of what?
- Perhaps you should explain the importance of the song instead of just mentioning it like a passing fancy. Though the title of the song is pretty revealing (I personally know the song), I wouldn't blindly wager that the people in the judging committee know of the song.

- The second to the last sentence could probably be shortened to: I explained the situation to my children.
- Your last sentence seems to be contradictory with your claim about always being able to get a job.
- You should emphasize the lack of funds. E.g. and a meager two thousand dollars: it wouldn't last us long.

Essays / Does the election of Barack Obama mean the Civil Rights Movement is over? [4]

Well, where's the essay? We can't write it for you.

At least give us your initial ideas.

Undergraduate / Short Response - to change one thing about my community [14]

Volunteering at the local library, I have observed an assortment of characters taking advantage of the services offered there. From high school students discussing the Monroe Doctrine to seniors lounging on the soft armchairs with a book or two, people from all walks of life are represented in the library. Unfortunately, due to the lack of funding, the library has had to reduce its operating hours: on Sunday, it is only open for four hours. Increased funding could extend library hours and expand the book selection. A library is the educational heart of a community, nurturing its intellectual vitality.

How's that for a concluding sentence? Seems to be the best I can muster up.

Undergraduate / Short Response - to change one thing about my community [14]

Literally with two dashes separated by a space or just a single dash? Each dash is a word.

And the other way is a complete sentence.

Preposition + Prepositional Phrase, Subject + Predicate

Preposition: From

Prepositional Phrase: From high school students discussing the Monroe Doctrine to seniors lounging on the soft armchairs with a book or two

Subject: people from all walks of life

Predicate: are represented in the library

Undergraduate / Short Response - to change one thing about my community [14]

Volunteering at the local library, I have observed an assortment of characters taking advantage of the services offered there. From high school students discussing the Monroe Doctrine to seniors lounging on the soft armchairs with a book or two, people from all walks of life are represented in the library. Unfortunately, due to the lack of funding, the library has had to reduce its operating hours: on Sunday, it is only open for four hours. Increased funding for the library would invite a welcome change in my community. The money would extend library hours and expand the selection of books.

How's this then?

Undergraduate / Short Response - to change one thing about my community [14]

Hmm, well, I don't really know what kind of improvements you are talking about zowzow, the last sentence is straightforward because I'm trying to directly address the prompt.

As for what Kevin said, I'll try to add incorporate as much as possible, but I've found that the 100-word limit is very restricting.

Poetry / Save Me A Spot In College [7]

Well, the prompt doesn't ask to specify a college and in fact seems to point to all colleges in California.

The poem wasn't asked for specifically, but:

"Written word entries may take many forms: essay, story, poem, song lyrics, or any other format as long as the contest question is addressed."

So I'm pretty sure that it's acceptable to write a poem by itself. It would certainly be odd if they penalized me if they said a poem was allowed.

Undergraduate / My racing mind filled with worries regarding my future. UCF Personal Statement (obstacle, family) [4]

In my childish imagination, I associated immigration to Israel like an exciting adventure to a new world. In August 1999, for the first time, I saw palm trees, the Mediterranean Sea and [a] new culture. I lived in this land full of optimism* for five years. Despite [acts of terrorism] and wars, people carried on with their life. When war began in Iraq, people carried gas masks everywhere. Instead of fire and hurricane drills, my school conducted biological warfare drills to determine the length of time taken for evacuation. An ordinary day in Israel could end [with] a terrorist act. [Every day], I prayed to God to bring my parents home safely from work. Because of these experiences, I am more aware of how difficult it must be for people who live in [countries plagued by violence].

* What is full of optimism? You or the land? Make it clear.

Everyday is an adjective meaning mundane or regular. Every day means... every day!

I fixed the last part of the last sentence since yours was a bit awkward.

Poetry / Save Me A Spot In College [7]

It's a scholarship

Poetry / Save Me A Spot In College [7]

It's in the last stanza.

Undergraduate / "high regards on my education" - Need Imput/Editing on My Statement [4]

Your last paragraph seems a bit desperate. I think you should focus less on the hopelessness of the situation and rather explain how the money would benefit your studies.

Undergraduate / "three unique factors" - Is my short answer response too weak? [15]

Again, I cannot edit any more, I guess there is some sort of limit but:

my father ridicules its flaws
my father challenges its apparent flaws

It dulls the criticism of my father while not assuming that my mother's faith has flaws, but what seems to be so in the opinion of my father.

Undergraduate / "three unique factors" - Is my short answer response too weak? [15]

I might just try to tone the Christianity response down instead of settling. The application includes a portion on household information in the past five years and I had to include the people I lived with, which as my response states included strangers. So there is already information the Home part while Christianity is a fresh addition to my background.

Since you said "for instance," I'll assume that there are more problems with the Christianity response?

I changed "religious zealot" to "religious follower" and "lukewarm critic" to "lukewarm cynic"

Undergraduate / "three unique factors" - Is my short answer response too weak? [15]

In your opinion, which of the three prompts I should submit? I can only submit three.

Undergraduate / "three unique factors" - Is my short answer response too weak? [15]

Apparently I can't edit my post so:

Each view has a drop of truth in it and a bottle of biased interpretation

to

Each view has a drop of truth mixed in a bottle of biased interpretation

Undergraduate / "three unique factors" - Is my short answer response too weak? [15]

Well, here's my edit of the Go part:

Go is a board game that was invented in China, and I have found it to be a fascinating and beautiful experience. I discovered Go during the 9th grade from a comic book, and my love and participation in activities related to it have risen ever since. I even attended a few official tournaments in my area and met an assortment of Go players, a rare breed: only 20,000 in America. To further its popularity, I have created a website dedicated to Go. A complex art, Go has taught me to discern the minute details in the big picture.

I'll try to accommodate a few of those points Sean. Unfortunately, a 100-word limit has inhibited my desire to explain the factors in greater detail.

Edit of Orson Scott Card:
Reading has always been my passion. From The Pied Piper, a picture-filled book given to me as a child, to A Tale of Two Cities, a thick classic I recently began, I have enjoyed several passages of literature. In 7th grade, I found a dusty little novel, Ender's Game displayed in the book-racks of my English teacher. It began my love affair with Orson Scott Card's work: a source of provocative thought or a relaxing evening. Many of my political opinions, such as disapproval for the UN's policies and support for uninhibited scientific progress, have stemmed from reading his novels.

I was also thinking of maybe this is a factor:

Christianity
I have had no great epiphany or any other compelling thing to pull me into the system of beliefs called Christianity. But like many Christians, an involved parent is more than enough. I have two: a religious zealot and a lukewarm critic. Both have vocalized their opinions to me several times, and I have found that neither is right nor wrong. Each view has a drop of truth in it and a bottle of biased interpretation. My mother, devout and undeterred, defends her faith while my father ridicules its flaws. Their incessant arguments have caused me to scrutinize equivocal debates.

Undergraduate / "three unique factors" - Is my short answer response too weak? [15]

Hey thanks! The go project's not finished yet, but it should help you start out. I started to study sentence structure because my English teacher told me I needed to vary my sentence length.

Undergraduate / "three unique factors" - Is my short answer response too weak? [15]

Other Factors:

Go - A Board Game
Go is a board game that was invented in China thousands of years ago, and I have found it to be a fascinating and beautiful game. I discovered Go during the 9th grade from a comic book, and my love and participation in activities related to it have risen ever since. I even attended a few official tournaments in my area and met an assortment of Go players, a rare breed: only 20,000 in America. To assist the spread of Go, I have created a website dedicated to the game. It contains a flash project that teaches Go.

Sharing a Home
From Covina to Glendale, there have been six places I have called home. Ever since that first house in Covina, I have shared my dwelling with strangers. Some of them may not have been strangers to my parents, but even my parents were only associated with them through relatives or friends. Often these strangers were not fond sharing, and early in life I felt boundaries within my own home. Most people don't encounter the concept that not everything inside your home is yours; however, living with this concept has taught me to recognize and respect the boundaries of others.

Well, these are the two. The Go will probably be edited to show some sort of way Go has changed me personally.