Prompt:
If you could change one thing about your community, what would you change and why? (100 word limit)
Volunteering at the local library, I have observed an assortment of characters taking advantage of the services offered there. From high school students discussing the Monroe Doctrine to seniors lounging on the soft armchairs with a book or two, people from all walks of life are represented in the library. Unfortunately, due to the lack of funding, the library has had to reduce its operating hours: on Sunday, it is only open for four hours. If I could change one thing about my community, it would be to increase the library funding because everyone from toddlers to elders can benefit.
Does this seem compelling (shows I'm interested in my community, which I do)?
Nice job! In my town, too, the library is open only 4 hours on Sunday. There is also a loud buzzing light bulb on the first floor that drives me crazy. I really like your idea of attending to the library as a resource that benefits many people. You can find other things to improve about the library, too. Also, since this is an admissions essay, you can impress them by adding a few sentences that give details about your intellectual experiences at the library that have made it so important to you. The library is a place full of memories for many people.
Finally, most importantly, continue with your theme of the library being a social equalizer that brings people together and evens the odds.
And what else can be improved about it... the resources? The computers? Also, does this tie in with your intended major or career in any way? (I don't necessarily mean the library, but rather, the idea of social equity or public works?)
in agreeing with what kevin said, and replying to your question of does this seem compelling, you could change the last sentence. it seems too simple and straightforward. nothing wrong with it just could do with some improvements.
i can't think of an example right now but i'll let you know if something comes up lol
Hmm, well, I don't really know what kind of improvements you are talking about zowzow, the last sentence is straightforward because I'm trying to directly address the prompt.
As for what Kevin said, I'll try to add incorporate as much as possible, but I've found that the 100-word limit is very restricting.
Yeah, I would state exactly what you would do with that money? What is it that you would specifically improve about the library? (expanding certain selections of books, lights, new chairs, etc.)
Volunteering at the local library, I have observed an assortment of characters taking advantage of the services offered there. From high school students discussing the Monroe Doctrine to seniors lounging on the soft armchairs with a book or two, people from all walks of life are represented in the library. Unfortunately, due to the lack of funding, the library has had to reduce its operating hours: on Sunday, it is only open for four hours. Increased funding for the library would invite a welcome change in my community. The money would extend library hours and expand the selection of books.
How's this then?
of the services offered there -- students discussing the Monroe Doctrine; seniors lounging on the soft armchairs with a book; people from all walks of life completing their goals in the library.
How about like that? Saves you a few words... The other way was not a complete sentence! :)
Literally with two dashes separated by a space or just a single dash? Each dash is a word.
And the other way is a complete sentence.
Preposition + Prepositional Phrase, Subject + Predicate
Preposition: From
Prepositional Phrase: From high school students discussing the Monroe Doctrine to seniors lounging on the soft armchairs with a book or two
Subject: people from all walks of life
Predicate: are represented in the library
You are right! I misread that. Sorry!
About the dashes... in my word processing program, if I type two dashes and then type a word after them, they automatically merge into one dash. So, I just did that out of habit.
You need a more powerful concluding sentence. Try to capture the overall importance of the library either to you personally, or the community, or both. You want to end on a strong note so that you leave the reader with a good impression of your essay, which is really quite well-written.
Volunteering at the local library, I have observed an assortment of characters taking advantage of the services offered there. From high school students discussing the Monroe Doctrine to seniors lounging on the soft armchairs with a book or two, people from all walks of life are represented in the library. Unfortunately, due to the lack of funding, the library has had to reduce its operating hours: on Sunday, it is only open for four hours. Increased funding could extend library hours and expand the book selection. A library is the educational heart of a community, nurturing its intellectual vitality.
How's that for a concluding sentence? Seems to be the best I can muster up.
That is awesome! Seriously, I am pretty impressed.
Yeah, that works. I'd say your essay is ready for submission. Good luck.
Thanks!
