Writing Feedback / IELTS: Alternative medicine can be dangerous? [4]

Hi

I wrote this essay while practicing for IELTS. I used this topic from a samples website, but the content is written by me (not a word copied from anywhere).

I am aiming for 8+ score.
Please help in evaluating my essay. Thanks :)

Essay topic:
Currently there is a trend towards the use of alternative forms of medicine. However, at best these methods are ineffective, and at worst they may be dangerous.To what extent do you agree with this statement?

Essay:
In the past couple of decades, medical science has scaled new heights. However there are still people who follow alternate medical practices. In my opinion, these side-stream therapies are useless and in many cases they prove to be harmful.

To begin with, these therapies use unreliable and sometimes confusing raw material for preparing medicines. In many cases, these compounds have soothing effect but do very little to treat the actual problem. For instance, most of the homeopathic syrups contain high concentration of alcohol. The amount of alcohol is as high as 40% which gives an immediate anesthetic effect to internal organs. This gives false sense of healing, however does nothing to counter the root cause.

Moreover, these practices are based on untested primitive methods. In modern medical science, every new finding is tested on thousands of specimen before getting to public use. On the other hand, these alternate techniques use unpublished, half baked hypothesis that cause more harm than good. Most of their research is done on actual patients, putting their lives at risk.

Finally, there is no or very little documentation available for these substitute treatments. These skills are passed on from one generation to another within a handful of families with no validation done by any independent authority. There is no prescriptive guideline to be followed. Whatever little content is available, its open to interpretation and provide no rigid specifications. This makes it very easy for a practitioner to get it wrong and still get away with it.

To sum up, i would like to conclude that these alternate forms of treatments are ungoverned and dangerous and hence should be avoided.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Richer nations shoul assist poorer nation in their development efforts? [2]

Hi

I wrote this essay while practicing for IELTS. I used this topic from a samples website, but the content is written by me (not a word copied from anywhere).

I am aiming for 8+ score.
Please help in evaluating my essay. Thanks :)

Essay topic:
Improvements in health, education and trade are essential for the development of poorer nations. However, the governments of richer nations should take more responsibility of helping the poorer nations in such areas.

Essay:
Today's world is divided into developed countries with abundance of resources and the poorer countries with absence of even basic amenities. Although the prosperous nations have moral responsibility to help the less fortunate ones, it can be argued that only external help will not be enough for these countries to grow, and equal effort also has to come from them only.

Most of the developed nations suffer with lack of proper healthcare facilities. According to a recent survey, counties like Africa have maximum number of AIDS afflicted patients, which is definitely a source of concern. If developed nations pledge to make free health care services available to Africa, it will be very helpful to tackle the growing epidemic of AIDS.

However on a closer look, one would observe that the main source of these problems is a corrupt legislative system. Many developed countries have administrative services corrupted to the root the system. The welfare benefits received from other countries do not reach those in need. No amount of external help will be able to fix that problem.

Another big problem is lack of strong judicial system, due to which powerful and well-connected people continue to take advantage without any fear of being punished. This creates a huge imbalance of wealth within the country. To fix this, the administrators will have to work on fixing the judicial system and ensuring that everyone gets a fair share of available benefits.

To conclude, I agree that affluent nations should shoulder the responsibility of helping poor countries. However this economic disparity will continue to exist until respective countries fix their internal economics and administration to ensure that they can make best of available resources and everyone gets benefited equally.

Writing Feedback / IELTS ....Fast Food is becoming more popular? [8]

Hi

I wrote this essay while practicing for IELTS. I used this topic from a samples website, but the content is written by me (not a word copied from anywhere).

Please help in evaluating my essay. Thanks :)

Essay topic:
Even though doctors all over the world agree that fast food is bad for people's health, more and more people are eating it. Why are more people eating fast food? What can be done about this problem?

Essay:
Around the world, millions of people suffer from numerous problems because of fast food. The numbers are increasing at an alarming rate. A strict and immediate action is required to help prevent further spread.

To begin with, today's fast paced life style is the main reason behind people resorting to fast food. Most of the couples stay in nuclear families these days. With both partners working, preparing food at home becomes cumbersome so fast food seems becomes an easy option. Due to the same reason, more and more kids are driven to fast food.

Moreover, fast food companies use misleading marketing lures kids and adults into eating fast food. The vendors provide vague information or hide important facts and highlight the taste and aroma to make their product look exciting. It's very common to see advertisements highlighting "No Trans Fat" to make a sachet of fries look healthy, whereas the amount of saturated fat is only mentioned in fine print on the back of the packet.

The only way to tackle this problem is with education, restriction and prevention. It should be mandatory for every fast food peddler to put a clear disclaimer warning about potential heart problems it can cause. Free camps should be implemented by the local government to warn people about the ill-effects and help those already suffering from obesity and heart disorder. Government should make subsidized healthy food available at educational institutes. Furthermore, it should be made illegal to sell certain fast foods to a child below certain age if he is not accompanied by an adult.

To sum up, the growing problem of obesity and fast food addiction needs immediate attention. Serious thought and a strict action plan to educate and alert people will help get a handle on the issue.

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